Fade Into You
by RCD-Alice
Summary: A different kind of message in a bottle. More like a letter in a Starbucks comfy cushion. Is it fate? ExB AU/AH Canon. Slight OOC M to be safe *wink*
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Starbucks nor do I own Twilight. Therefore I am a poor and jaded biotch! Enjoys!

A/N: Thank you for reading! This story is an EPOV thing…ya

* * *

_Dear…Whoever happens upon this,_

_I don't know who you are, and I assume I never will. Actually I sort of hope we never meet as I'm about to whine away on this piece of lined paper for you to see._

_You likely have already stopped reading, but I just feel the need to tell somebody, anybody really, the things that eat away at me day after day. Perhaps that will satisfy my overactive brain for a few minutes so I can at least get a few minutes of much needed sleep._

_Now you're wondering why I don't tell my friends, my family, my significant other, or even my pet and leave you the hell alone, but that's just simply impossible._

_I'm painfully shy. Even if I did have all of those aforementioned relationships (which are few and far between in my case) I would die before bringing my insecurities and problems up to the forefront for them to do with as they please. This right here is problem number one. I'm shy, insecure and plain. That's how I would describe myself. Boring and plain. Plainly boring, if you will._

_I can't count on two hands (as there are far too many) the amount of missed opportunities that have breezed past me in my lifetime._

_I am your average, plain, boring twenty two year old college student, who has yet to go on a date, or even kiss a boy. I don't blame it all on my inability to initiate things. That would be the coward's way out. The rest of that blame goes to the fact that I am simply uninteresting, and I assume unattractive, as I've never had the words 'you're pretty' uttered to me. That's right. Never once._

_I'd like to find love someday. I want to find that spark, that magnetic pull that suspends time and gravity. I do. It just doesn't seem to be in my cards._

_I wonder if you're still reading this. If you are, I apologize. You really don't have to._

_Are you in college? Because I am. It's so demanding and difficult. Even more so when you're damn near invisible. I hate say that I envy people that have the ability to speak up, make themselves known, but I do. It doesn't matter what they say, it is definitely about whom you know not so much as WHAT you know. I've realized that when a professor is grading papers he or she will give more attention to names they know whether they are known for good or bad reasons. It's a subconscious thing. Therefore, the professor comes across my paper, sees a name that doesn't even register. He skims, gives it an average mark and moves on. This means that I have to work twice as hard as someone else, just to receive that slightly above average grade._

_Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything. Far from it I'm sure. It still sucks._

_Still reading? I know, I know. But to be fair, I did say I was going to whine. And life sucks. There's an awful lot to whine about. There's no way to sugar coat it, it just plain freaking sucks._

_My parents died last year. They were in a car accident on their way to visit me at school. I don't want pity. It's just another way that life sucks._

_They were both only children, their parents long gone, and I as well an only child. That left me. I'll live though. And unlike most people, I don't blame myself for that accident. Even though they were on their way to visit me, I was not the truck driver who fell asleep t the wheel on the highway. No, no. I place all the blame on him._

_Speaking of trucks, mine is a piece of shit. Honestly, some days it doesn't even run at all. Makes me feel so much better when that happens. Yeah, I just rolled my eyes as I wrote that._

_Sucky truck._

_When I was in high school, I was anorexic. I'm not anymore…I don't think so anyways. I mean, I eat. Not hoards of food or anything, but I eat. And it isn't often that it comes back up. Actually, I can't remember the last time it did._

_It just occurred to me that I'm pretty much just randomly jotting stuff down here for you to read. No rhyme, no reason. That's how my life feels. My brain works a million miles a minute with no rhyme or reason. No reprieve either. That's kind of the point of this exercise. I'd be mortified if I was saying this out loud, or even if I had to watch you read it, right there in front of me._

_But the thing is, I need to sleep. I haven't slept a full night in so long that I just might die of shock if or when it actually happens. I just can't seem to turn my brain off long enough to get a decent REM cycle on the go._

_God, do those words even make sense?_

_I do believe I've taken up more than enough of your time…that is if you didn't flounce five words in. I hope I haven't ruined your day…_

_Sincerely, Me_

I put the letter I had found stuffed between the arm and cushion of the overstuffed Starbucks chair down on the table in front of me and ran a hand through my already disheveled hair.

"Well, fuck me." I whispered aloud to no one. I had no idea who had written this letter, but it struck me as someone I wanted to know.

Picking up my overpriced coffee, I took a drink as my eyes wandered to the other patrons of the coffee shop and the connected bookstore. No one looked suspicious or even like they recognized me as a presence.

It worried me that this anonymous letter was a thinly veiled cry for help and I had nothing to go on. No way to even begin to figure out the identity.

Not knowing what else to do, I pulled out the notebook I always carried around with me and began my own letter.

_Dear Notice by Someone,_

_I don't know you, but id like you. Your letter made me laugh a little bit and cry a little bit, and generally just left me wanting to know more. I do hope that the person receiving this is the same person who wrote the original letter. If you are not, I would hope that you would have the decency to cease and desist immediately._

_It pains me to know that you feel like you have no one to turn to, and would be too shy to even if you did. Id never make you feel embarrassed about it, I hope you know that right now._

_You speak of beauty as if it is the be all and end all to life. It isn't. This will sound clichéd, but I've always believed that it was the person on the inside that made a person pretty. On a side note, I can't believe that not a single soul has ever told you that. I find that despicable. Everyone is pretty in their own ways. I don't even know you and I can already say that you are not boringly plain…or, plainly boring as you put it._

_I'd like to find that magnetic pull as well, so you aren't alone in evading that aspect of life. Id love to settle down one day. Have a family, a yard, maybe even a dog (Id let you tell him your secrets too if ya want). So here we are. I'm a twenty four year old book store owner who also hasn't found love. Maybe its kismet._

_I'm sorry about your parents. And no, that isn't pity. I understand where you're coming from actually. My parents died when I was seventeen, so I know how it is. It is good to hear you don't blame yourself, or else id have to worry even more about you…_

_Look at that. Worried about you and I don't even know you. Told ya someone noticed you._

_As for your, um, disorders, I do hope you have that under control. There are people you can call that will help you anytime. Never think you have to go it alone._

_Look, you've piqued my interest. I've already read your letter three times, and it only just occurred to me that I have no idea when you left it, or if you will ever even return here. I hope you do. And I hope you leave me another letter. Did writing the last one help you sleep? If so, I'd say write me a letter every single day if it helps. Just let it out, girl._

_And for the record, the truck part is what made me laugh. It sucks, but you have a bit of a sense of humor about it. It made me chuckle. But seriously, you should have someone look at it. It doesn't sound safe._

_I'm going to take this step here, knowing that you may never get this and some random person will end with my number calling and stalking me. It's a risk I'm willing to take._

_555-2467_

_Call me or text anytime_

_Eamc1901 … that's my hotmail. You can email me as well if you would like to._

_Sincerely, Edward_

_P.S. You didn't ruin my day at all._

I folded up the note and stuck it down in the cushions where I had found the original.

I knew It was a long shot here…especially leaving my phone number. I was liable to end up getting stalked. I just couldn't find it in myself to care about that. She was too scared to put herself out there, so I would do it for her. It was highly unlikely that she would even utilize the number if she did come back, but it was worth a try.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight. That is all Stephenie Meyer. I make her characters human and make them write letters and junk.

I also do not own Starbucks…God I haven't even had a Starbucks in almost a year. Speaking of withdrawals.

Leave your thoughts. Happy reading!

* * *

It had been two weeks and I wondered how many people may have called mental facilities as they watched me practically molest that damn chair every single day.

Every last day. Sometimes twice.

That girl had completely taken over my mind without the slightest bit of knowledge of having done so. I kept the letter on me, and read it at least once a day. I'm guessing I envisioned some sort of magical powers to take over, letting me into her mind if I read it enough. What a joke.

So, everyday, I went back to the Starbucks and checked that chair. Everyday, my letter was still there. Yesterday, it was gone. A million different scenarios ran through my head. Did she come for it? Was I about to be stalked by some psychotic chick with a penchant for sex and violence? Kinky. Had they simply found it whilst cleaning the chair? Not likely. The employees here were entirely too lazy for that. They did enough to keep their jobs. Nothing more, nothing less.

I found myself wondering if every single person was her. Not that girl, much too confident. That woman over there wouldn't roll her eyes about her own sarcasm and then write about said movement. How about that girl? No, that girl over there was too…oh my God, was that even a she?

Moving on. So, two weeks and the letter had finally disappeared. It had been a day now, and no calls or texts. No e-mails either. So that left out the psycho stalker woman. Thankfully.

I paid for my drink and plopped myself down in the same chair. Yeah, I sat here every time. I was like a man possessed. Last week, I had to tell a young man that I once saw someone piss in that chair. Man did her ever move. Should have seen his face when I sat my ass down in that very same seat.

I digress. Where was I again? Oh right. The chair.

Well, I had sat in it, gripping my coffee like it was the last best hope for mankind, and it was keeping me sane. It was obviously not doing its job well as I had clearly lost my mind somewhere along the way. Possibly my last shred of sanity as well.

I dug my hand first into the left side where I had left my letter, and came up empty. Switching the coffee between my hands, I delved into the right side, coming across the unmistakable feel of paper. I nearly jumped for joy right there. See what I mean? Sanity gone.

It was only as I was pulling it out that the fear and trepidation hit me. What would I find? If she had given up, I think it possible that I may have eaten my own soul. Would she be as intrigued as I was?

_Sept 13, 2008_

_Dear You,_

_I've decided we should date these letters so that we know when they were written, etc. The first one was written on August 20__th__. Three and a half weeks ago._

_Today is my birthday, so that makes me now 23. I don't really have anything here in Seattle to do for it, so I came by here to drop this letter off instead._

_My father was the chief of police in the small town I grew up in. So even if I did have friends, there wouldn't have been much to tell. Birthdays have never been interesting to me. I think they kind of offend me. Ya know, like they kind of scream 'Hey you're invisible! Happy freaking Birthday by yourself'_

_Now I'm just being a downer._

_Speaking of birthdays though, that POS truck was a birthday gift from my parents. Maybe that's why I can't really bear to part with it. I promise to have it looked at. For some unfathomable reason you care about it, or me, or whatever._

_I know I made it sound before like I had no friends and that's not entirely true. I've had acquaintances. I have a couple of friends. Make that one friend and his very bitchy sister. We tolerate each other, at best. I annoy her, and she's just a giant bitch. Her brother is my best friend in the entire world though. The only person I've kept in touch with since school. Or ever for that matter._

_It always floors me when people have had friends since grade school, or even middle school. I'm pretty sure I'm just a forgettable person, to be honest._

_Anyways, today's letter is not going to be a long one._

_You're beautiful, by the way. At least I assume it was you. Two weeks ago, I saw you through the window of the shop with my letter open in front of you and a notebook open on your lap. I've been trying to muster up the courage to come back and check our makeshift mailbox. A couple of times, I did come back, but you were there just sitting in the chair._

_Please don't be angry at me. I know I should have written sooner, but I only found the nerve yesterday to go in and get it. I had tried nearly everyday for two weeks._

_I've never seen someone with your hair color before. Its copper or bronze…like a penny. But it's amazingly beautiful. And your eyes, well they're the most gorgeous part of you._

_I hope this won't stop you from writing back_

_Sincerely, B_

_P.S. I'm not so sure about the texting thing. I think I had a mild panic attack when I had seen that you left your phone number. You're so trusting._

Holy mother of God. So she had seen me writing her letter. I felt anger boil up inside me for a few seconds. She now new my name, my phone number, my e-mail address and what I looked like. I had nothing on her. Nothing.

It dissipated quickly however when I thought of her sadness. Her fear that I would be angry with her. How hard it had been for her to come back and get that letter. And she'd called me beautiful. I wanted to be offended, as boys are not 'beautiful', but I think I understood.

I was now also worried that she'd be intimidated by me as she saw me as a beautiful person, when she didn't see herself as one. I wanted to know. I wanted to see her. I felt a need to reassure her that she was in fact somebody and not invisible.

My brother thought I was insane. I told him about our first exchange of sorts and he guffawed loudly in his huge booming voice and called me a pansy. True Emmett fashion that was.

So here we were. She had described my hair perfectly, so it had definitely been me she had seen. I felt the anger fade away as more understanding took its place.

She was scared. She felt as though I was a better person than herself. I immediately resented my own anger. I was such a stupid shit.

The ringing of my phone brought me out of my trance and I sucked in a breath wondering whether or not it could be her. That girl. The girl that now resided in a small part of my brain that never turned itself off. I looked down at the caller ID and groaned.

"Emmett, what's up?"

"Are you at that coffee shop again Edward?"

"What? I mean, well I am, but she-"

"Ed dude, really? Come on now. Don't you find this situation a little…odd?"

"But she left-"

"Dude, I can't believe you're making yourself spazz over this shit! She could be a dog for all you know. She could be a goddamn whale. What if for fun she runs around clubbing baby seals or some shit? I still can't believe you gave out your number like that. "

Once again, in true Emmett fashion, here he was telling me exactly what he thought about my own goddamned decisions. Like I was a child or something. He was only two years older than me. He wasn't even this bad with our younger sister Alice, and she was five years his junior.

"Listen, Em. It's fine, alright? She-"

"Not to mention the fact that she could be some deranged psycho stalker with a-"

"ENOUGH Emmett," I practically screamed into the receiver. "Will you quit interrupting me and shut the fuck up already? For the love of God, man! Let me get a word in here."

The line was suddenly silent and I heard the idiot chuckle quietly on the other end.

"What now?" I asked him, annoyed.

"You really don't care about any of that shit, do you?"

As I thought about it, I realized he was right. It didn't matter. She needed help, and I needed a way to get through to her.

"She left another letter." I finally said to him.

Silence.

"She's seen me, she knows who I am."

Silence.

"I think I scare the shit out of her."

Laughter.

Okay, What the hell?

"Dude! You think you're scary? Well hell! That might be the funniest fucking thing I've heard all week!" he choked out between his laughs.

"Shut up, Emmett. I intimidate her. It's not funny. It's quite clear that she's scared shitless of things but she needs help."

"What the hell are you gonna do, bro?"

Million dollar question, right there. What the hell was I going to do?

"Write another letter, I guess."

"Right. Anyways, the real reason I called. Dinner at Carlisle and Esmes this weekend. Don't forget it's his birthday.

"Wow, Em!"

"I know. Look at me remembering the important stuff like a responsible adult or something."

I laughed. He was right. This was not the big brother I knew and loved. He didn't remember things. Ever. I think he even forgot his own birthday one year. The mention of my uncles birthday reminded me once again of the mystery girl.

"Ya," I told him quietly, distracted by my thoughts."I'll be there."

He continued on with some mindless chatter that I couldn't be bothered to listen to. I had a letter to write.

_Sept 13, 2008_

_Dear B,_

_Can I call you that? You signed your last letter with it, so I just wanted to make sure it was okay._

_I don't want you to be afraid of me, alright? At first I wasn't sure how to feel about the fact that you had seen me. And yes that was me. You described my weird ass hair as best as it can be described. I know it's an odd color, and a freaking mess, too._

_I decided I was okay with it though. I've put myself out there, but you just take your time. That isn't meant to pressure you at all. I actually mean it. Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with. Take. Your. Time._

_I'd say Happy Birthday, but I don't really expect that you've actually had one. Instead, I'll just say this. Try and live every day for you. I do hope you had an okay day. I say had, as I assume you won't be reading this today. Don't be sad. _

_I never assumed that you didn't have any friends at all. That would just be cruel. I hope you now count me among your friends, along with your best friend and his evil bitch of a sister. I'd say I'm sure she isn't that bad, but I trust your judgment. Besides, I have a total douche of a brother, so we're in the same boat._

_You never told me if you'd slept, so I assume that was a no. Please try? That's the part that hits me hardest. Judging by the case of nerves you've had, I'm not surprised, though._

_I'll keep my letter short as well. Get your truck fixed, get some sleep…and contact me whatever way you see fit. You need to know that to me you are not forgettable. Unforgettable, in fact. Don't ever think that. _

_I don't know if you have an account, but you can follow me on twitter as well. Letterward . You wouldn't even have to tell me its you._

_Sincerely, Edward._

_P.S. Please call me Edward. You addressed your latest letter 'Dear You'. Please, trust me enough to call me by my name._

I sighed aloud and ran my hand over my face and up through my hair after I tucked the letter away in our secret spot. The jingling above the door caught my attention, and I looked towards the sound.

My eyes fell upon brown. Brown eyes, big and frightened. Brown hair, long and wavy. Brown corduroys, too big for the frame they hung from. Brown shoes, on two small feet. Black. The jacket was black,

And suddenly, after someone passed in front of her, as if she had been a mirage, she was gone.

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**Chapter Notes**: Yes, that is Letterwards real twitter! You can follow him there! Do it, you know you wanna!


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight. That is all Stephenie Meyer. I make her characters human and make them write letters and junk.

I also do not own Starbucks…God I haven't even had a Starbucks in almost a year. Speaking of withdrawals.

Happy reading!

* * *

For some reason, there had been no doubt in my mind that it was her. And she was pretty. Pretty in the most understated way. I'd even venture as far as saying she was beautiful, but God did she ever look sad. It's hard to believe that someone could look so down and alone. She needed somebody, that much was clear.

There had been a second where our eyes locked and I almost felt the very real need to run to her. Sweep her off her feet. Tell her that everything would be okay. Instead, I sat in shock. My chair anchoring me to this world, her words resting in my pocket acting as a beacon of hope.

I had no tangible proof, but if I were a betting man, I would bet a paycheck that she was my girl.

My girl.

Interesting, Cullen. What next? Are you going to throw her over your shoulder without giving her a choice? Definitely not. This had to be her choice, her pace. The next move was hers, I was anxious to see where she took it.

* * *

So, here we were now at the weekend. I was on my way to the small town of Forks, Washington, Population just over three thousand, to celebrate my uncles Birthday. Birthdays just didn't feel right to me anymore. I felt like I was offending her or something.

Anyways, the three of us, Emmett, Alice and I, had lived with Carlisle and Esme after our parents passing. We had been close before then, but grew even closer in the aftermath.

Carlisle was a surgeon, and a well known one at that, so they quite the pretty penny in their bank account. This had afforded them the giant house they lived in, the one we once called home, that Esme and her team of Interior Designers had decorated. It was amazing. All windows and hardwood floors. They even had a baby grand piano in there for me.

My siblings and I, well we couldn't be more different from each other. Alice was small, the smallest of the three for sure. She stood maybe five feet tall and weighed like ninety pounds. She had green eyes, just like mine and her dark hair was cut in short layers that just sort of stood out from her head. She was an adorable little thing. I loved her with all my heart, but Jesus she could be obnoxious. Hyper as hell. It's like being related to one of the Teletubbies.

Emmett, on the other hand was big. Big muscles, big mouth, big feet, big blue eyes. Yeah, he definitely got Dads eyes, while Alice and I had Moms. I was going to say big brains, but that would be a lie. Well no, okay. Em wasn't stupid. He was just…selective with his intelligence. That's a good way to put it. If there was ever a wrong place and time to say the wrong thing, he found that time. It was ridiculous.

And then there was me. Your average middle child. Average build, weird ass hair, same eyes as my sister. I was the shyest of the three of us…I wouldn't actually call myself shy, more so reserved. Sure I had my confidence, but I was never cocky.

And I sure as shit didn't mess around with women. I had my reasons for this. My parents, when I was growing up were so much in love. They fought, sure, but they were so perfect for each other. After they died and I went to live with my aunt and uncle, I once again witnessed that same love with them. It made me see that not only was it possible, but it was probable. I wanted to hold out for that, so while I did date, it never went very far. I just didn't feel it. I knew that forever was out there, I just wasn't looking hard enough maybe.

I was also still a virgin. I know…a male virgin at twenty four years old you say? Well its due in part to what I had mentioned about finding my forever. The other part is because of 'Easy Stanley' in high school.

We dated for a bit, Jessica and me, but we never really did much. One of the times I went to her house for a 'study date', we made out and it got kind of hot and heavy, but I stopped her before it went too far. The next day at school, everyone was under the assumption that 'Easy Stanley' and 'Womanizer Edward' had done it. Many times over. I still to this day have no idea how I got that distinction. The rumor mill is a bitch, what can I say.

So, here I was at twenty four and still looking. I had wondered briefly earlier in the week if I had found it in Mystery Girl, or MG maybe we will call her, but I dismissed the idea for the time being. I mean, I hadn't even met her yet. Wasn't even sure if it had been her that I saw.

The entire family knew about her now, of course. Emmett couldn't keep his big mouth shit, but whatever. It's not like it was meant to be a big secret or anything anyways.

Upon exiting my silver Volvo, I took a deep breath and released it. This was going to be a long evening full of interrogations and questions all over the place. That I could handle. I was more upset that I hadn't had time to check the chair today.

"Edward, how's the business faring?" Carlisle asked as I entered the house without knocking, and sank unceremoniously into one of the large chairs in the sitting room.

My uncle, my Fathers brother had blonde hair and blue eyes. He looked nothing like us. I always thought we looked more like his wife Esme with her brown hair and caramel colored irises.

"It's doing really well, actually. I've been leaving it in the hands of Angela and Ben more often lately. Doing the paperwork and stuff. Free time is weird." Angela and Ben were my business associates and old friends from High School. They married at the age of nineteen and have been happy ever since.

He chuckled. Oh here it comes.

"And I hear you've been filling that free time with something very interesting indeed. How's that situation going?"

I sighed, resting my arms in my thighs and dropping my head. Not so great.

"I don't know…It's just, I feel like I could help her. I really want to get to know her. I just don't see how that could be a possibility."

He nodded and gave me an amused glance. I assume I had a confused expression on my face as he chuckled a little bit and turned, checking down the hallway before returning to face me and speaking quietly.

"You don't see it? You already have feelings for this girl. Don't let your brother catch wind of that one. He'll harass you for hours about it."

My eyes grew wide and I stared at him in shock. No fucking way that was possible. I didn't know anything about her.

That's a lie.

I knew so much about her. I mean I was missing vital details, like her name, her appearance, her place of birth, and quite frankly her mental capacity…but I knew so many other things, just from two letters. Two letters that had me running back to a coffee shop and kicking people out of a seat for. Two letters that had me up my intake of caffeine by like two hundred percent. Two letters that had me wondering what she sounded like when she laughed.

Holy mother of God.

I heard Carlisle's quiet chuckle beside me and was broken from my train of thought. I was perplexed.

"Don't look so shocked, you had to see that." I shook my head imperceptibly "Edward, you are a sweet kid…you're good. You deserve a good person. You know, I remember the 'Easy Stanley' ordeal. Quite clearly, actually. You were mortified. You don't need a girl like that."

"Carlisle, I don't even know her though. I still haven't met her and I think she scared to death of me. Probably not gonna work in my favor. Just a guess."

"You need to un-scare her then, Edward. Help her see that you're the good guy. You can do it."

Jesus Christ on a freaking cracker. This was too much.

I smiled at him and sat up as I heard my Aunt making her way down the hallway to us.

"Is that my youngest nephew I hear in there?"

"Yes, Auntie it's me. How are you?" I asked as I stood to give her a hug.

"Good. How's the girl doing?" I rolled my eyes. I expected this, really I did, but still. Kill me now.

"Fine. I think I saw her the other day. I can't even explain why I think it was her, but I'm sure of it. She looked so sad." I hadn't told anyone this part yet. I don't know why I said it now either.

Carlisle and Esme shared a look with each other, before she smiled at me and wrapped her arms around me again.

I was beyond understanding what was going to come next from them at this point, so I just played along. Fuck my life.

"Ohhh Carlisle," Esme started screaming in my ear, "Our boys in love!"

"Alright guys…enough."

My aunt continued fawning over me, my uncle laughed to himself and my phone buzzed in my pocket.

My phone. I wanted to push my aunt off me so I could get y phone out. It was still buzzing. No one called me anymore. What the hell.

Once she leaned back to look at me and pat me on the face, I finally had room to pull it out. It had already stopped ringing. No message was left, and it came from an unknown number.

My heart stopped for a second. Could it have been her? I guess Id never know now. I couldn't call back an unknown number. They hadn't left a message. I had nothing to go on. I kicked the couch I was standing next to and tossed down my phone in anger. I constantly had nothing to go on. This was driving me mad.

"Edward, dear…what's the matter?" Esme implored, looking worried. I mean, I was just attacking her furniture. What was she supposed to think?

"No, I'm fine. I'm just getting frustrated."

My phone vibrated again. Only once this time. A text message. I picked it up with shaking hands and looked down to see unknown.

I opened it up and gasped.

_I need help. B_

Well fuck me twice.

_Where are you? I'm not in Seattle._

I answered her as fast as my shaking fingers would let me. Dear God. It was her. It was her and she was in trouble. I m pretty sure my heart exploded in that instant.

_Neither am I. I'm in Forks. Do you know where that is?_

Did I know where that was? I was in that fucking town. This was getting weirder and weirder.

_I'm in Forks too. At my Aunt and Uncles place. Where are you?_

_At my parents old house. Please help me._

I had a feeling that was all I was going to get. Okay. What did I know about MG? She had a truck. A really sucky truck. Her parents gave it to her. She was twenty three. She hated birthdays. She had a best friend and his bitchy sister among the people that knew her. She was in College. Her father was the police chief of the small town she grew up in.

Her father. She was at her parents' old house. BINGO.

I looked up at my very confused looking relatives. They had concern written all over their faces, and worry in their eyes.

"Okay. This is going to sound strange. I need to ask you some questions. It's very important." They nodded and kept quiet. "I need to know if the police chief died recently." Esme nodded sadly and I looked at her in shock.

Charlie Swan? This was Charlie Swans daughter? Did he even have a daughter? How did I not know her from school? Jesus Christ.

"Where did he live?"

"What's going on here, Edward?" Carlisle questioned.

"Where did Charlie live?" I asked again a little louder.

"He lived over by the school. Edward what is the meaning of this? You're scaring the hell out of your Aunt and me."

"BECAUSE. His daughter is the girl. And she's in trouble, and I have to find her. Do you have an address?"

Esmes hand came up to cover her mouth and she cried out a little bit in shock. "Isabella Swan?"

"Ill get you the address, you just sit tight." Carlisle left to go and find it for me and write it down, or at least I assumed that's what he was doing. I was too focused on the fact that MG was named Isabella.

"I'm sorry I ruined dinner. Alice and Emmett didn't even arrive yet." I put the gift I had brought for Carlisle beside my Aunt on the couch and hugged her once more. Yeah, we were huggy people. Especially when we needed it. I think we all needed it a little bit right now.

"No. You go get her. You make sure she's okay, and you tell us everything. Your Uncle understands. I guarantee it." She smiled at me and tried to tame my hair.

"Here ya go, kid. Call me if it's serious."

"Happy Birthday. Sorry I ruined the night for you." I really did feel bad, but I had to go.

"Think nothing of it. Call me" he said seriously. I nodded and opened my phone.

_I'm coming. Don't be scared._

* * *

Chapter Notes: SOOOOOOOOOOOOO What did ya think? I know…no letters, no Starbucks but there WERE texts! And TROUBLE!

I love reviews! LEAVE ONE!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight. That is all Stephenie Meyer. I make her characters human and make them write letters and junk.

I also do not own Starbucks…God I haven't even had a Starbucks in almost a year. Speaking of withdrawals.

Happy reading!

* * *

My mind raced as I ran out of the house, unlocking the Volvos' doors as I went. How the hell had I not known her? I mean, I know I only went to Forks High School for my senior year, but she would have been in Alice's grade most likely. I didn't even know that Chief Swan HAD a daughter.

"Where's the fire?" Emmett yelled to me and I groaned. Great. Put another thought in my head, asshole. It's not as though I hadn't already had assaults and break-ins and accidents running through there. Sure, let's add fire to it now. Perfect.

"Cant talk, Em. Carlisle and Esme will explain. I'll see you later."

I dropped into the seat and simultaneously started the engine as I shut the door. At the last minute I fastened my seatbelt as I realized I was no good to her dead.

Throwing the car in gear, I tuned my head and whipped out of the driveway just as Alice was coming up the lane. Once again, I was like a man possessed. I didn't even stop to explain to my sister of all people. Didn't even think to stop and ask her any questions. Way to go, idiot.

Too bad. I was a man on a mission, and that mission was Isabella Swan.

Isabella Swan.

It felt surreal to me that MG had a name now. I wondered briefly if this would be the end of the letters. I mean, of course it would, right? I was meeting her. There wouldn't be any more need for the letters.

I found the house easily enough. Forks was not a very large town. When I first caught sight of the giant sucky ancient red truck in the driveway, my heart started to pound like it was going to beat its way right out of my chest.

She was in there, she needed help. Isabella needed me. I could do this.

I exhaled the breath that I hadn't even realized I was holding. Undoing my seatbelt first, the dinging from the car was threatening to make my brain explode with all the noise already floating around in it.

Now that I was here, I was terrified. What was I going to find? Who was I going to find. Please tell me that she had maybe just needed help reaching something high. Or, her cat got stuck in a tree.

Okay. Right Edward. She would definitely text you freaking out because her cats stuck in a tree. Why was I such a tool sometimes?

I made my way up the steps and knocked on the door of the modest home. This was it, Cullen. This. Was. It.

Nothing.

I knocked again a little louder and harder this time. I yelled a hello through the door and waited.

Nothing.

Turning the knob, okay evidently it wasn't locked-how safe was that; I peeked inside the house and called another hello out hoping to coax her out of hiding. I could hear something upstairs so I bounded up the steps two at a time.

God this felt wrong. Like I was committing a fucking crime or something. I didn't commit crimes. I didn't even have the pleasure of ever being talked to by Chief Swan. I'm sure he was a great man. The sound from the end of the hall made my stomach turn and I opened and closed doors as I went down the hallway.

There were two bedrooms and a linen closet. Nothing in any of those. One of those bedrooms was obviously a girls room, with quite the desk set up in the corner. Looked like it had been well used at some point. The other was the master bedroom.

I approached the last door on the left and heard sobs coming from the other side. Okay. This was it. I tried the door and it was locked. Of course, the front door was unlocked but the bathroom door she turns into Fort freaking Knox.

"Can you open the door for me? It's me, Edward." I called through and waited. I heard a small whimper and then- was that retching? Was she throwing up in there?

"Please let me in. I'm here to help you, pretty girl" It was silent then, and that scared the shit right out of me.

Throwing my weight behind me, I barreled towards the door and bounced back away from it quickly. It barely moved that time. I took it at a run this time and it blew open inwards and I was terrified that it would have hit her.

Isabella sat on the floor staring up at me. Brown eyes wide and frightened, her hair that trailed nearly to her waist a mess, all matted and greasy. She wore a sweatshirt with a tank top peeking out underneath and only her underwear on the bottom. She was shaking violently and I didn't know if it's because she was sick or if it was out of fear. I took a look over her and realized her legs were tiny. They were so thin. That was why those pants she had worn the day I had seen her looked too big on her. They were. Her sweatshirt was a mess; all dirty and had a few sprinklings of vomit on it.

"You came…" she whispered out and I was immediately on the floor in front of her.

"Of course I came, you needed help." I reached out to run my finger down my cheek and she flinched away. "Don't be scared, remember?"

She looked up at me again and then turned back to the toilet trying to empty more of the contents from her stomach, but there was nothing left to give.

Her close were a mess, I needed to get her out of that sweatshirt.

"Come here, okay? Let's get you fixed up." I took off the button up shirt I was wearing as it would be large on her and adequately cover anything that needed to be out of view. She looked at the shirt that I had just taken off and understanding clicked in her eyes.

"No…n-no. I'm okay…I-I'm okay. I'm fine."

"Isabella, you are not fine."

She froze. Of course. How would I know her name? But then again, how would I have known where to find you. She nodded slightly. All of a sudden out of nowhere, and then moved to stand. Picking myself up, I helped her to her feet as well.

When I touched her I felt this shock. It was like, a lightning bolt passed through my entire body, but it didn't hurt. And it wasn't the same as an electrical shock, or a friction shock. I had no name for what just happened.

"Okay. Here's what I'm going to do, okay? I'm going to remove your sweatshirt as it's a mess. I see you're wearing a shirt underneath it. Are you okay with this?" she nodded, "Alright, and then, I'm going to put my shirt on you, and we can go find you some of your own clothes, okay?" another nod. "Okay, lift your arms up for me, pretty girl."

She lifted her arms up and looked away from me. I made sure to keep a steady gaze on her face to gage her reactions. Her face became blank, no emotion as she stared off to the side. Once I had the sweatshirt off of her, I wanted to take another inventory, make sure that what I couldn't see before was okay.

Jesus Christ. The girl had to weigh like ten pounds less than Alice and was at least four inches taller. She was a stick. I remembered back to her letters and her disorders came to mind. She didn't have those under control at all. I could see her bones all over the place and her skin was almost hanging off of her.

My mouth must have been hanging open as it was dry. I swallowed heavily and chanced a glance back at her face. She was still looking away, but I had no idea if she had noticed that I was gaping at her earlier.

"I'm getting cold" she whispered again.

"Right, here. Put this on and then let's go get you some clothes." She tried to put on my mid weight button up, but it was like it weighed a million pounds. I lifted it up and slipped it over arms pulling it together in front of her.

There she stood in my shirt, skinny as hell, bags under her eyes, pale as a ghost…and she was beautiful. Not because she was so skinny, of course not. That was horrible. She needed to eat. She needed to gain some weight. She needed to get some strength. She couldn't even put the shirt on without working up a sweat.

We began walking towards her room, and I faintly heard her whisper. She hadn't spoken above such since I'd arrived.

"I left you a letter today…"

That was it before she slumped over and I caught her in my arms.

"B…Isabella. Isabella, open up. Open up those eyes for me…Isabella!" I tried shaking her a bit as I slid down to the floor with her still in my arms. I don't care how easy they say it is. Holding up deadweight is hard no matter how small the person is.

"Please…open up. Wake up for me."

I pulled out my phone and quickly dialed the home that I had only left not even an hour before.

"Edward, what is it." Carlisle answered on the second ring.

"It's bad, I need you. Please." I heard my own voice crack on the last word, and I knew they had been right. She had me right from the first time I read the word 'Dear'. I was hers, and I knew it. This needed to be fixed.

"Okay. Hang tight. I'll be right there. Do you need me to call 911?"

I knew I couldn't do it. I could barely keep composure talking to my uncle on the phone.

"Ya...ummmm, just hurry. I don't even know what's wrong. Carlisle, she's so small. Hurry."

I dropped the phone, and I don't even know if I hung it up properly. Bringing both arms around her so that I could see her face, I looked down at the unconscious girl and told her she was pretty one more time. No one else had ever told her that, and she needed to be told.

I began whispering tings to her not even knowing if she could hear me. Telling her the stories about how I checked our chair everyday, sometimes more than once. Telling her about how I'd kick people out of that chair if they were sitting in it. I mean come on…that was our chair. I rocked her back and forth a little bit and told her about how my chest constricted that first time I saw her and how I just knew it was her.

I don't know how long we sat there before I heard banging on the front door and then my father calling through the house.

"We're upstairs!" I shouted down, and she still hadn't regained consciousness. I heard him thundering up the stairs and he stopped abruptly as he looked down at the tableau in front of him in the hallway.

"Jesus…" he choked out. "Emergency is on its way. I had no idea what to tell them, so I'm pretty sure the whole cavalry is on its way. Mind if I take a look at her?" he asked and kept eye contact with me as he crouched down beside us. He eyed me warily, due to the fact that I didn't answer him so I nodded quickly, reluctantly relinquishing my grasp on her.

He lay her down in the hallway and began checking pulse points and whatever else it is that doctors did. How the hell was I supposed to know what he was doing? I owned a bookstore.

"She's severely underweight, and dehydrated. I think I might go as far as saying that she's malnourished. Her pulse is weak, and her blood pressure is a mess." He looked up at me then and I'm assuming took note of the worry in my eyes. "She'll be okay, kid. She'll be fine."

The paramedics came next, not bothering to knock as I assume that Carlisle had left the front door open in his rush upstairs. The rest was a blur.

They had her on a gurney and out into the ambulance in record time.

I rode in the back of the ambulance with her as she had no one else.

When we arrived at the hospital, she was taken away from me.

My entire family showed up and sat in the waiting room with me. Alice was uncharacteristically calm, Emmett unusually quiet, and Esme was sobbing along side me, wrapping me in her arms and patting down my hair. Carlisle was talking to the doctors finding out everything he could.

Me? I was in shock. There was no doubt about it. My world had been turned upside down. I didn't know which end was up, or west or fucking south. All I knew was that girl in there needed to be okay.

"They're airlifting her to Seattle Grace Hospital, as they believe that it may be a long stay. I think it might be best if you drive home to Seattle and get some sleep, Edward." My fathers' voice broke me out of my shock. Home. I had to drive back to Seattle. Like this? I couldn't even focus on the floor in front of me. How was I supposed to focus on the goddamned highway?

"I'll drive you, Ed." Emmett said. I looked over at him and nodded. I stood up and gave everyone hugs as my brother and I exited to the parking garage. I was still in a daze. I began walking to my car and Emmett stopped me.

"Whoa buddy. What do you think you're doing? We're taking my car. We can come back for your car another time."

"I can drive it." Alice's quiet voice spoke up behind us. Nobody drove my car. Ever. No one but me. But I looked at Alice and still in my daze, I nodded at her.

"Don't drive above the limit Alice. And wear your seatbelt."

She rolled her eyes at me and a sad smile broke out across her face.

"I'm not going to wreck your car, Edward. Clean driving record, remember?"

"I'm not worried about the fucking car. I'm worried about you."

She nodded and came up to me. I leaned down into her embrace and she whispered in my ear.

"She'll be okay, big brother. She'll be okay."

With that, we were off in our separate vehicles and not a word was spoken the entire way home.

As the city approached, I remembered the last thing she'd said to me before she was out.

"_I left you a letter today…"_

"Emmett, we have to stop at the Starbucks."

He gave me a sidelong glance and looked at me as if I was crazy. Maybe I was, but maybe it would give me a clue. I needed to know.

"Uh, bro. I'm not sure if you realize this, but the girl that leaves you those letters is in the hospital."

"She left a fucking letter there earlier, Emmett. I need to go to the Starbucks" Jesus, I was giving myself whiplash with my mood swings.

"Okay. So Starbucks it is." And he left it at that.

I saw it approaching and undid my seatbelt ready to jump out of the car the second it stopped moving. I ran inside and of course, some douche was sitting in that chair. I didn't care anymore. Fuck looking sane. The stress of the day weighed down on me like I had the entire globe resting on my shoulders and all I wanted was that letter and to see Isabella's words. Standing in front of him, he looked up at me in shock.

"Move." I simply said. He started to argue with me and I put my hand up to stop him. "You can have the damn chair back; just move for a damn second, alright?" The man gave me a frightened look but eventually moved. I dug my hands deep down both sides and found the letter on the left hand side. I pulled it out and walked away, not bothering to fix whatever mess I had left in there.

Jumping back in the car, Emmett drove me to my house. He didn't talk; he didn't ask questions, he just drove. I think we broke the space time continuum because before I even realized we had left the coffee shop we were at my apartment. I thanked Em and he told me he'd call to check on me later. Like a zombie I unlocked my front door and kicked my shoes off exhaling another loud breath I didn't know I was holding. What a long day this had been.

Sitting down at my kitchen table, I opened the letter out in front of me.

_Sept 16, 2008_

_Dear Edward,_

_I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how to say this. I'm going home to Forks. Not to live or anything, just like, to visit my old home. There's nothing left for me there, but it makes me feel closer to them you know? It's because of my birthday. I never told you this before, but my parents, they died on my birthday. They died coming to see me, on my birthday. Sucks right?_

_So…I'm going home. I don't know how well it's going to go over. I still own that house, and I haven't had the heart to do anything with it. It still looks exactly as it did when they left. I've never even dusted it. What a great daughter I am. Can't even keep up with the housework._

_I do trust you. I trust you so much but I'm scared. I'll just bring you down with me, and that's not something I want to do. You saw me the other day, and when we made eye contact, I felt like you could see into my soul. Like you could see every single secret and rip my heart out if you wanted to._

_I needed to make my peace with you though. I'm not sure if I should continue on with this. I see you through the window of the coffee shop all the time, and you look so beautiful. We don't belong in the same world._

_I'm just done. I can't even do this anymore. I have nothing left in me. No strength, no will. I don't even know the last time I ate. I don't even know if you still care. That day that I saw you, I saw recognition in your eyes, like you just knew it was me. That was scary. So I understand if you saw me and realized that I wasn't worth wasting your time on, because I guess it's the truth._

_No big secrets for you this time around. Just a promise that I won't burden you anymore. I think there's a place in my heart that you will always be in, but its okay. It's small and doesn't expect anything in return. You just continue to be beautiful and move on._

_Love, Bella_

I looked down at the paper and noticed a few wet spots. I was crying. I hadn't cried a tear since my parents dies seven years ago. She'd signed it love, and she was cutting me out.

* * *

Chapter Notes: Okay. So maybe not really what you were expecting, but there it is. Cheer up though. There's happiness on the way…soon. I promise.

I love reviews. LEAVE ONE!


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight. That is all Stephenie Meyer. I make her characters human and make them write letters and junk.

I also do not own Starbucks…God I haven't even had a Starbucks in almost a year. Speaking of withdrawals.

Don't forget that you can follow Edward on twitter also, **Letterward **and now EMMETT has a twitter account as well! **TheBiggerCullen **! Follow them both!

* * *

**Help, I have done it again**  
**I have been here many times before**  
**Hurt myself again today**  
**And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame**

**Be my friend**  
**Hold me, wrap me up**  
**Unfold me**  
**I am small**  
**I'm needy**  
**Warm me up**  
**And breathe me**

**Sia-Breathe Me**

* * *

I pretty much refused to let that shit happen. Her letter read like a suicide note and I'll be damned if that was going to slide with me. I wasn't so sure that's actually what she wanted though, as she did call me for help.

What a whirlwind it had been. It was three days since the incident, and I was in that hospital room until visiting hours said I couldn't be every single one of those days. I wrote at least one letter a day, plus the one I had hastily written immediately after reading hers.

_Sept 16, 2008_

_Dear Bella, _

_Is that what you'd prefer I call you? I'd like to know I'm doing right by you._

_I have to ask you not to give up. Not on life, not on me, and first and foremost, not on yourself. You have people that care about you, you've told me so. To be honest, I care about you, pretty girl. And I'm not just saying that to placate you. I think you truly are naturally beautiful. You don't see yourself clearly. I don't know if some one steered you in the wrong direction at some point or something, but we need to get you back on track._

_Bella, your eating disorders are out of hand. And I swear to God, if anyone anywhere has EVER called you fat, I will kick their ass. You're way too skinny. I'm not holding this against you, of course, but it's hurt you and made you sick. The doctor said that you were taking appetite suppressors (a lot of them) and that, along with the lack of anything with sustenance, has basically shut your body down. I need your body healthy. You understand that I wouldn't care if you weighed one hundred pounds or three hundred pounds right? I mean, of course you don't, but I wish you did._

_Remember when you told me that you wanted to find that spark, that 'magnetic pull that suspends time and gravity'? I think I've found that…with you. I felt it the first time I laid my hand on you. I'm sorry this is so forward, but I couldn't bear to lose you now. Not when what we both need is right in front of us._

_So please, I am begging you. Do not cut me out, Isabella. I can help put you back together, and you can help me breathe again. I'm scared shitless here, but I don't know what else to do. It hurts me to see you so helpless. Let's take this leap together._

_Love, Edward Cullen_

Yup, that's right. I'd signed it with love. I'd be a fool not to. It was plainly the truth, even to everyone else.

It had been troubling watching her day in and day out. Still. She was so still. Every once in awhile she'd stir and regain mild consciousness, but she didn't open her eyes or anything. She was still too weak. Seventy-nine pounds. That was what she weighed when I found her. Seventy-nine pounds and five foot five. The doctor said that it had been days since she'd ingested anything more than water, possibly not even that. And that even if she did, it only came back anyways. I partially already knew this from reading. It still hurt though.

A corner of my mouth twitched up as I heard her mutter something and I leaned closer, straining to hear her words.

_Sept17, 2008_

_Dear Bella,_

_I don't know if anyone has ever told you this, but you talk in your sleep. Dont be embarrassed. I liked it. It was kind of like learning the inner workings of your mind._

_Is your best friends name Jasper? You said it a few times. With a name like that, I would have thought you were talking about an animal, but then I remembered you didn't have one. Don't worry, you will one day when we get our dog._

_You should know that I was incredibly jealous the first few times that name left your lips. I know it's not my place and I'm a giant asshole for this, but it's the truth and I can't lie to you. It was easily overcome though, do you know why? You said my name. And then you smiled so sweetly. It was different than the one you used after speaking Jaspers name. I can't explain how, It just was._

_You also told me that you were staying twenty-one forever. That made me both laugh and cry, because while I know the significance of why, I suddenly pictured you as one of those women refusing to age past thirty. You know, the ones that have their twenty ninth birthdays like five years running._

_Bella, I can't let you go. Please understand that. I know it sounds weird and yes, possibly a little bit creepy and stalkerish of me, but I think I've fallen for you. More than I could ever imagine._

_Alice and Emmett stopped by today. You don't know them yet, but you will. Remember that 'total douche of a brother' I told you about? That would be Emmett. I guess he's not always a douche. He looked really worried about you and told me all about his 'get Bella better' plan. I think it involved disgusting protein shakes and basically becoming a couch potato or something. Not sure. I honestly tuned him out after about ten seconds after I witnessed the dopey grin on his face. Nothing intelligent comes out of that grin._

_I don't think I ever told you about Alice, or maybe I have. That's my sister. She's close to your age. I thought it possible that you two went to school together, but she didn't recognize you either. Knowing how shy you are, my sister could take a little getting used to. She's insane, but totally sweet. She has the energy of a cartoon character, it's pretty humorous sometimes. Shes already decided that you two are going to be best friends. I told her you already had a best friend and she told me to go do something anatomically impossible. I have no idea why. I'll never understand her._

_I know I'm rambling, but I don't really have anything better to do with my time than this. Id rather be here with you right now than anything else. Taking what I can get, when I can get it. Yeah, I'm a selfish asshole like that._

_When you're better, I want to take you out on a date. A real one with flowers and whatever, where I pay the bill and you just be your gorgeous self. Think about it, okay?_

_Love, Edward_

_P.S. Who's Rose? I laughed every time you scowled because I just knew it would be followed by a "Shut up, Rose" Not once was I disappointed. It's funny; I say that to Em all the time._

"No change?"

My uncle came in the room scaring the shit out of me. He chuckled as I jumped and then changed positions. I picked up MGs left hand, the hand I held most of the time I was here, and kissed her knuckles gently. They already had a bit more color on them, less gray and more human looking. This was a very good sign.

"No. Any luck finding a Jasper or a Rose?" We had been frantically searching for the people we assumed to be her friends, the people she mentioned in her sub consciousness. We'd so far had no luck.

"Actually yes. The Hales have a Jasper and a Rosalie for children. Turns out the entire family is out of the country for a wedding however, so that was no help."

"Edward"

Ah there it was. Three days and she had said my name a total of seventeen times. Can you blame me for counting?

Carlisle laughed and I turned and smirked at him. Yeah I was proud that she was saying my name. Made me feel like there might be a chance.

"See. Its there. It might be buried deep inside her, but one day she'll admit she loves you too."

My face paled. God was he good. It brought me back to yesterday. I don't know if it was the way I had been looking at her, or if someone had inadvertently tipped the person off, but it stunned me.

"_Amazing" the nurse said as she was changing a line. That drip line, whatever the hell it was, kept MG alive. I think it was pumping nutrients and fluids into her or something. Whatever it was, it was fine by me. As long as it kept Bella going._

"_What's amazing?" I murmured indifferently. I was too intent on the changes in Bella's facial features as the nurse pushed some buttons. She suddenly looked calmer, more alive._

"_Some girls search their entire lives to find the look you have in your eyes right now." She glanced up briefly to meet my eyes. I looked at her questioningly and both our eyes averted back to our work before she continued. Mine to Bella, hers to the bag she was changing. "I was planning on asking you out on a date, but it's quite clear you're taken."_

_I didn't even look up. Instead I took Bella's hand, opened her palm onto my cheek and smiled as I turned to kiss it with my eyes closed. The nurse knew the story. She knew we weren't together. That was just too bad._

"_That I am." I said quietly._

"You think so Carlisle? I mean, she seemed pretty opposed to it a few days ago." I hung my head for a second and squeezed her hand.

"Listen son," Carlisle said as he sat on the stool and swung it in my direction. "I am so proud of you." I snorted. Right because every uncle is proud of their nephew for becoming an obsessed stalker. "Isabella is going to need somebody, I think she always has. I'm proud that you are stepping up to be that person. You won't let her down."

"Thanks Carlisle. That actually means a lot."

_Sept 18, 2008_

_Dearest Isabella,_

_I don't know if you like to go by that name but those two words sounded so beautiful together I just had to write them down._

_Everybody here at the hospital says we make such a cute couple. I laugh and I agree with the. It even stopped a nurse from hitting on me, thankfully. She was clearly not my type, all blonde and fake and chirpy, like a fucking Barbie-pardon my language._

_My uncle says you're getting better, and in just a few days you might be up and dancing circles around me._

_Do you like to dance? I love dancing. And music. I play the piano actually. It's been awhile since I played, though. There's this melody that's been fluttering around up there since I met you. Perhaps its time to pull out the old composition sheets._

_Did you know that your name (Bella, I mean) means 'beautiful' in Italian? Of course you probably do. It is your name; you've had it for life. Anyways, I was trying to say that it suited you, that's all._

_I'm not very good at this wooing crap, and you strike me as the kind of girl that needs a lot of wooing and persistence. It's even harder when one is unconscious and the other is writing down their every miniscule thought. God, what a stupid word that is. Wooing. Why do I keep saying it? Why am I asking you this?_

_I just rolled my eyes, by the way. At my idiocy. I thought you would like that._

_Emmett took a look at your truck. I told him no way was he touching it without your permission. Trust me, you'll thank me later. He doesn't know the first thing about cars._

_Anyways, I guess that's it for today. I love you. I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I told you I couldn't lie to you._

_Love Edward._

I let out a breath as my thoughts took over. Would she reciprocate any of this? Did she feel even half of what I felt? Would I scare her?

Looking around the room that we were now alone in, I thought maybe I should write my letter for the day to her. Ben had called earlier and he and Angela were having some trouble with the store. Just some book keeping issues or something. I'd be in the store all the next day and I wasn't sure if I'd be back for her tomorrow. I'd make a conscious effort to, that's for sure.

"I need you to get better. And I need..." I choked up a little and looked away from the sleeping form I was talking to. "I need you to see what I see. I don't need you to love me, not yet. I just need…you. In whatever way I can get it."

I pulled out my notebook, opening to first clear page and started my letter.

_Sept 19, 2008_

_Dear Bella,_

_I'm scared. I have so many fears right now. I'm scared that you will in fact cut me out. I'm terrified I'm doing things wrong. I'm so socially inept in so many ways that I don't even know what the hell the right way is anymore._

_Most of all, I'm scared that you will never be okay. You know that would never change the way I feel though, right? There's this little piece in my heart that gets bigger every single day. It's the Isabella vein in my heart. It belongs to you. I don't know what it does, but I can't wait to find out._

_I have to go into work tomorrow, and I don't know if I can make visiting hours. You might be awake by then, and I'd want to see you. I'll try my damndest to be here tomorrow, but if I can't, Ill see you the next day._

_We can be friends, Bella. If nothing else, just be my friend. I think that you'll see that I need you just as much as you need me. It will be good for both of us._

_I'm going to keep this short, because I have a nurse staring me down. Its time for me to go, stupid visiting hours._

_Get better, pretty girl. I'll fight for you every step of the way._

_Love Edward._

_P.S. Alice has agreed to be your second best friend. Good luck with that._

* * *

**Chapter notes:** Alright so not super happy or anything yet, and I'm sorry I made you read so many letters. It will move the story along a little quicker this way. It kind of explained how the three days went down without having to explain in every detail what happened. Hope you like it.

Reviews are LOVE! Leave one!


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight. That is all Stephenie Meyer. I make her characters human and make them write letters and junk.

I also do not own Starbucks…God I haven't even had a Starbucks in almost a year. Speaking of withdrawals. I ALMOST had Starbucks. We shall not speak of that fiasco.

**Authors Note**: My chapters for this are being edited as they can be by SuperstarNanna. Love her. I will upload the new chapters as soon as possible!

Don't forget that you can follow Edward on twitter also, **Letterward** and now EMMETT has a twitter account as well! **TheBiggerCullen **! Follow them both!

* * *

**I could possibly be fading**  
**Or have something more to gain**  
**I could feel myself growing colder**  
**I could feel myself under your face**  
**Under...your face**

**It was you**  
**breathless and torn**  
**I could feel my eyes turning into dust**  
**And two strangers turning into dust**  
**Turning into dust.**

**Into Dust-Mazzy Star**

* * *

She was gone once I finally made it back to the hospital two days later. Two fucking days. That's how long It took us to sort out the mess, all due to one missing piece of paper. A piece of paper can change everything you know. I know for a fact that a piece of paper changed my life.

So here I was again. Another two weeks later, only one new letter in tow and I had nothing else to show for it.

"I started that psych class. It's really great, you know? The professor, he's kind of on the douche side, but that's okay. He seems pretty brilliant. How about you, Em?"

Alice brought me out of my musings as we sat around my aunt and uncles table for a make-up family dinner. After the night that I so unceremoniously ruined my uncles' birthday, this was the first chance we had to be all together as a family. Everyone said that they didn't blame me whatsoever and didn't even harbor any ill will towards either of us, but I still couldn't shake the feelings of guilt.

"Well, I'm training this dude and he's, like, working towards some underground fighting business. Big guy, small brains."

"Kinda like you bro?" I joked with him. He shot me a look of faux anger before punching me in the arm. No way would I give him the satisfaction of how much that actually hurt.

Emmett was a personal trainer here in Seattle, and spent a lot of time with big beefy guys that were much like himself. I guess that's selling him short. He's got a career and a life, and enough brains to make it through life. He wasn't what you would call the deepest trench in the ocean though.

"Be nice to your brother, Edward." Carlisle gave me a pointed look and then followed it up with a wink.

"Have you heard from your-"

"No." I cut off Esme before she could even finish that sentence. I hadn't heard from her, and it was a little difficult for my stalkerish wordy self to deal with.

It had been two weeks to the day since I'd last seen Bella. Eleven days since I'd first read the last letter she left me when she left the hospital. The letter I kept in my pocket and read over and over again like the obsessed weirdo I was.

My visits to 'The Chair' had become less after the first week. By that I meant it was less like I was living there and more like it was actually a coffee shop.

Emmett had shown up and somehow been the voice of reason. He told me that a) If she was a s freaked out as I'd said she was, she wouldn't come in if I was sitting here…and b) What I was doing was…kind of creepy. He was right, so I decided on going every second day from then on.

"How's the bookstore going?" Alice asked trying to bring me into the conversation. To be honest, I had no fucking clue what was happening with the store. Great.

"Oh, uh, good." I answered her half-heartedly. I knew full well that place could have burnt to the ground and I wouldn't have the slightest clue. Awesome business owner I was, eh?

She gave me a sympathetic smile knowing exactly where my head was at the moment, and every other subsequent one. You can always count on Alice to try and move swiftly out of an uncomfortable situation.

"I had a vision that I was going to meet the love of my life soon. He was blonde and his name starts with a J! I wonder where I'll meet him."

I chuckled and shook my head. I loved the fact that my dear little sister was positive that she could see the future. Sometimes, more often than not in fact, her 'visions' did come to fruition. And they all said I was the creepy one…

"Emmett's will be blonde too! Tall and leggy and likes cars. That's all I got there. Edwards is a little murky though…" she murmured as her eyes unfocused and I knew that she was trying to 'see' what was in store for me. I knew she wouldn't say that I was meant for Bella anymore. I railroaded her on that one. Finally had enough of it. Just because I wanted it didn't mean it would happen.

"Likes cars? Really Alice? And where do you suppose I meet this leggy blonde car loving goddess you speak of?" Emmett asked.

She shook her head as if shaking away her thoughts. Glancing sideways at me, she slyly smiled and told him something about 'The Chair'. This had my attention.

What's this about Em's soul mate and Starbucks?"

Esme laughed then and I suddenly remembered where I was. Carlisle and Esmes house. Dinner. Make-up dinner, actually. Don't fuck this up, Cullen!

"You're so single minded lately, Edward. The word chair brought you out of your thoughts and back into the conversation. Quite a feat that is these days."

I smiled apologetically at her but she waved me off with a smile of her own.

"No need to apologize, son," It always warmed my heart when Carlisle called me son. It made us truly a family in my eyes. They were like a second set of parents to me. "It makes sense, really. First love and all that. And under the circumstances, I'd say it's allowable. Expected even."

He's right, Edward. I just fell so badly for the poor dear. I wish we could find out how she was doing." Esme chimed in.

I rolled my eyes. Not because I thought little of what they were saying, not by any means. It was because I was so damn transparent. First love. It made me feel like a teenager in high school. I chuckled a little at that.

"I can't wait for the two of you to get your shit together." Emmett bellowed. We all looked at him incredulously. "What? Look, I love that you're getting your writing rocks off or whatever, but dude! You're mind fucking me without a condom here. You're so all over the place like a chick. I feel like I'm going to end up barefoot and pregnant with a marsupial or some shit. I'm so Goddamn confused!"

I burst out laughing as I noticed the expressions on the rest of my family. Alice looked bored by Emmett's outburst, Carlisle was trying to hold in a laugh, and Esme looked horrified. And I don't mean mildly offended or something. She was like, mortified. How anything he said still surprised her was beyond me, but that shit right there was classic Em.

"Emmett, nothing you just said even makes any sense." Alice said with a roll of her eyes. Understatement of the year!

"Watch your language young man." Esme scolded and blushed, but then laughed along with Carlisle as he finally broke down.

"Mind fucking you without a condom? So like…I'm giving you unsafe mental orgasms or something?"

He glared at me, a death stare to end them all before he eventually succumbed to the hysterics along with the rest of us.

"Whatever dude, you know what I mean. Your mood swings are giving me whiplash. It's annoying."

"Did she get the letters you wrote her in the hospital?" Alice asked sobering the conversation greatly.

I reached up scratching the back of my neck before running the same hand through my weird ass head of hair. I leaned back in the chair letting out a long sigh.

"Yeah. Well, I mean I guess so. The nurse I'd told about them said she gave them to her. She left me one too, saying she'd received them, but not yet read them. So while I know she got them, I have no clue if she's read them."

Silence surrounded us then and I felt uncomfortable for bringing down the mood so quickly.

"It's alright, I mean, whatever, right? I tried calling her, but no luck there. And as Emmett pointed out to me, it wasn't healthy for me to be basically living at the coffee shop." I gave him a nod and he returned the gesture. "I'll wait. I can wait."

Shortly after, we broke off for the evening and I began the lengthy drive home. All that time alone with my thoughts ended up bringing me to so many different conclusions that I think I gave myself whiplash. My brother wasn't joking. I was such a girl.

I'd settled on going in there tomorrow, leaving her a letter and asking her to contact me next. It was the only way really for my sanities sake.

* * *

_October 5, 2008_

_Dear Beautiful,_

_You may never read this, but that's okay. I always feel better after I've written things down._

_I thought you should know that you were a favorite topic of conversation at the family dinner last night._

_Emmett's convinced that we need to get our shit together or he's going to end up a single mom of like, eight or something. I don't know. I told you. I get confused and tune him out. Hurts my brain too much._

_Esmes worried about you. She wanted to know how you were doing and asked that I let her know as soon as I heard anything._

_Carlisle played doctor and wanted to know if you were healthy. He also said that he would love to meet you under better conditions. (Esme agreed with this, as did Em and Alice.)_

_Alice has all of our futures mapped out. She can see the future you know. She's convinced that since she can see your future as well, it's painfully obvious that you are meant to be in our lives (her exact words. To the letter.) and that she's still fine with being second best._

_As for me, I told Alice that she may have to settle for third place as I want second place all to myself. I don't want to replace what you've known forever, I just want to be added to the equation, if you'll let me._

_Give me a chance. Text me or call me. Leave me a letter if you must, just let me know somehow that its there._

_Your Edward, Always_

I folded the letter hastily and shoved it down alongside the cushion of the chair. Rubbing my hands over my face in a misguided attempt to clear my thoughts, I let out a breath and leaned back.

Looking up, I was met with those beautiful brown eyes staring right back at me maybe ten feet away. She was right there. It was real. _She_ was real. She glanced briefly towards the cash register where I saw a tall blonde woman paying for three coffees. They made eye contact briefly before the blonde woman looked at me blankly, rolled her eyes and then laughed quietly to herself shaking her head.

I stood, looking back at Bella and my face hurt because of the smile plastered there. Jesus. Man up, Cullen.

"Bella," I whispered out. "You came!" For the record, my immature confused mind immediately wanted to shout out 'THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!' but obviously refrained. There were clearly so many reasons that this was the wrong place and time. Not least of all being the fact that you can't say that after your own sentence. Mental headshake. Douche.

She nodded, and then glanced behind me. She giggled softly, but then blushed and looked immensely embarrassed. I looked over my shoulder thoroughly confused. "Not here. Stop it!" she scolded in a loud whisper.

"Bella, why is that man unfolding and refolding the letter I just left you? I asked confused as I cocked an eyebrow at the entire odd situation.

"Oh…um, that's Jasper. He might have some OCD issues…"

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** Alright, so we have a Jasper and a Rose! Leave me your thoughts.

****IMPORTANT! ** **If you would like to read the letter that Bella left for Edward when she was leaving the hospital, It is in a separate outtake story! Go find it on my profile!


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Twilight. That is all Stephenie Meyer. I make her characters human and make them write letters and junk.

I also do not own Starbucks…God I haven't even had a Starbucks in almost a year. Speaking of withdrawals. I ALMOST had Starbucks. We shall not speak of that fiasco.

Don't forget that you can follow Edward on twitter also, **Letterward** and now EMMETT has a twitter account as well! **TheBiggerCullen **! Follow them both!

OH! And I've had questions. If you hadnt already realized, this story is going to be entirely EPOV. I will be posting outtakes later from BPOV and possibly others along the way! CHEERS!

* * *

**Timeless;  
Love is a cure.  
A promise, still so pure.  
Rise like the tide,  
No need to hide.  
Fearless,  
Just like before;**

**Oh, here we go**  
**They're all waiting for a cure.**

**Timeless-Kate Havnevik**

* * *

Some OCD issues? That might be putting it mildly. I watched as the tall blonde man unfolded, refolded and scrutinized the letter that I wrote to Bella at least fifteen times before she finally pulled it out of his hands gently.

"Sorry…" he whispered. He looked ashamed and I rolled my eyes. I mean, it wasn't that big of a deal, and he looked like he was going to get slapped on the wrist or something for it. Surely Bella wouldn't do something like that. Not to her best friend…her only friend. Her only friend until now. Now that she had me.

I shrugged it off and returned my attention to Bella. Cutting my eyes back to Jasper, I eyed him warily. Had he read all the letters? I mean, I'm sure he knew all of Bella's deepest darkest secrets, far more than I could EVER hope to know about her, but not mine. I remembered what Bella wrote about how he always wanted to spell check the letters or something like that…which was so strange.

"He never read any of the letters, Edward." Bella whispered quietly in front of me. My eyes darted to hers, and she looked quickly to the floor. I surveyed her for a long moment wondering what her deal was. Was she here to see me? Had this been an accidental meeting? Had she brought her friends here for support? Whatever it was, I was glad it had finally transpired.

"Jasper, seriously. Stop trying to rearrange the coffee shop. It's set up the way it is for a reason. Jesus." A harsher voice interrupted my MG induced coma. This would be the bitchy sister, otherwise known as Rosalie, I gathered. "Bella, you good here? We need to get to the store to pick up some stuff for the center. You coming along or…."

Bella looked up at me quickly and I smiled at her. I wanted her to stay if she wanted to. I'd take her wherever she needed to go later on if necessary, and if she was comfortable with it.

"Ummm, I think I'd like to stay, Rose. You guys go on." She was still looking at the ground and biting her bottom lip. Her cheeks flushed pink and a small smile played at her lips. Appraising her now, I was happy to see that she was miles away from where she was that first time we'd met. Her appearance wasn't near as gaunt and pale, but she was still so small. Granted it had only been a couple of weeks, but the improvements were noticeable.

"I'd like that, Bella." I reassured her.

"Edward, can I talk to you for a moment?" The shrew snarked at me. My eyes lingered on Bella for a moment longer before I relented and let out a deep sigh walking in Roses direction. I noticed Jasper and Bella kind of huddle together and they seemed to be having a little conversation. He was looking at her sternly, but compassionately and I could see how much he cared for her. She appeared to not enjoy being chastised, but listened intently. I assumed they were speaking about me.

"What can I do for you, Rosalie?" I had to fight my brain to not call her 'evil bitch' as Bella put it. And then I remembered Bella's sleep talking and her penchant for telling Rose to 'Shut up' with that cute little scowl on her face.

"Look, I don't know you, and I don't trust you. That girl over there has been a part of my family for a very long time. You fuck with her and prepare to lose a ball or two…that clear?"

I gulped. I shit you not. She was one scary bitch. I mean, I had no intentions of fucking with Bella, but if I did, I'm pretty sure I would have pissed my pants. Here was this gorgeous tall blond bombshell, as some would describe her…and she just scared the living shit right out of me. My eyes widened when I realized that she would be the perfect match for Emmett, but tossed that thought away quickly. One of them was enough.

"O-of course. I wouldn't dream of it." I told her eyeing her, just waiting for the next bout of verbal condemnation.

"You say that now. You would. But just so you know, I will be watching you. Jasper will be watching you. Don't try anything or I swear to God, your sac will be next. Got it?"

Okay. Manhood sufficiently threatened? Check!

"Rose," Bella hissed. "Stop it. I can take care of myself." She gave her friend a pleading look as the 'evil bitch' looked skeptically disinclined to believe her.

"I assure you both," I cut in, "that I have nothing but honorable intentions." I looked directly at the 'evil bitch' as I continued quietly. "I've saved her life once. I'm not above doing it again." My attention returned to the girl that I desperately needed to have a proper conversation with and my entire being softened. My tone, my mood, my voice. "As many times as it takes. I'm here. Don't be scared, pretty girl."

She smiled tentatively at me and looked back to her friends. Jasper, having rejoined the 'evil bitch' looked intensely uneasy. I assumed that my hair pissed him off a great deal as he stared at my forehead and the stray hairs that littered it as he spoke.

"Call us, Bella, if there are any problems. I don't anticipate any though."

I gave her friend a small and thankful nod and returned my attention to Bella. As I waited for her to finish her goodbyes, I thought about everything that brought us here to this very moment. Every letter, every word ingrained in my mind like a steel trap.

I watched as the pair left and chuckled as Jasper had to stop to rearrange the newspapers on the stand to his liking.

"Honorable intentions. Who even talks like that?" Rose whispered to herself on her way out and I caught the meaningful look she sent my way.

That look spoke volumes. That look said 'Don't you dare fuck this up Cullen' and I wholeheartedly agreed with her.

"I'm sorry I took so long…" that sweet quiet voice spoke behind me. I spun around to see Bella behind me holding open the letter that I had left her. She must have read it sometime during that surreal encounter.

"Don't apologize. Actually, I'm surprised as all hell that you're here at all, to be honest." Her face fell and I immediately realized that it sounded like I was chastising her for being here. Like I didn't really want her to be. "Not that I'm not thrilled, because I am. Just surprised…and maybe a lot proud."

That brought her attention back to me and I unleashed the full power of the crooked grin on her. I'd been told it worked wonders. I hoped they were right. She blushed and looked over at 'The Chair'. I really wanted to sit there, too, but I wanted to sit with her more. I led Bella over to the sofa near the fireplace and waited as she sat down first.

"How have you been?" I asked seriously but she spoke the same time as me.

"I read your letters."

We shared a brief uncomfortable laugh and then I gestured for her to continue first. She looked shy and embarrassed. Maybe for what she was about to say, maybe due to the things I'd written. I didn't know, but I wanted her to be at ease; for her not to be afraid of me.

"You don't have to worry, you know. I won't bite you, and I won't judge you." The pretty pink blush once again graced her cheeks as she thought for a long moment before she spoke.

"So…I read them. When I came in here today, I didn't know if you would be here or not. But when I saw you…" Her voice got impossibly quieter and she once again averted her eyes. "I just knew that it was time."

"Time for what?"

"Time for me to speak."

I didn't want to push her, so I waited. Nodding slightly to make her aware that I was in fact listening, I gingerly took her left hand in both of mine, asking, begging with eye contact alone that it was okay. She didn't pull away and I took that as a very good sign.

"I don't know how or why, but I feel like you meant every word you wrote. It scared me. I've never been loved for who I was or otherwise. Not by anyone besides maybe my parents…and Jasper." I noticed that she didn't include Rosalie.

"You can be sure…that I absolutely meant every word. I wouldn't lie. Not to you. Not about something so important." I rubbed my thumb over her knuckles with the one hand I still held hers with. My free hand rose of its own volition and moved her hair behind her ear so that I could see that angels face more clearly. She let out a shaky breath and continued.

"I'm sorry…for all of it."

"All of what?" I asked confused.

"The fact you had to see me that way. That I just unloaded all my problems on you unsuspectingly."

I could tell that she had more to say, so once again, I waited, letting this progress at her own pace. It seemed as though she was having trouble with the next part as her eyes scanned the place, looking but not really seeing. I wondered why she did that. Why she didn't see. Her voice dropped to the lowest I'd heard yet and my heart pounded in my chest with her next words.

"For making you fall in love with a person like me…" she whispered, breaking my heart. "For making you feel like you have to care," she shrugged, "for making you worry and for making you believe that you could save me…"

I froze. Every part of my body was in shock, as if they were as disturbed as I was. Did she really feel that way? That she was in the wrong in someway here? No, I couldn't allow that to go on. I needed to make it right, but I was scared as hell that I would inevitably fuck it up. It's what I did. I always made messes that I couldn't clean up.

"You don't have to say anything. I get it. I'm fucked up or whatever. You weren't meant to have to deal with this. It's okay."

I still couldn't speak. Why couldn't I say something? The fear in my chest that I would say the wrong thing restricted me. The thought that this sweet fragile girl was taking the weight of everything on herself and apologizing for my own fucking feelings was drowning me.

"Jasper and Rosalie…they're used to this. They get it. They've been there since I was young. I'm sorry for that too, by the way. That she was rude to you. You did nothing to deserve that."

She ducked her head not making eye contact as she finally pulled her hand away from the safeness of mine, leaving me feeling empty and cold.

"I'm giving you your out. Guilt free. The chance to step away now and forget you ever met me. The chance to live freely and happily and I promise not to hold it against you. I've already been unfair and selfish for long enough."

"No." I told her firmly.

"Please," she whimpered, "you don't know what you're saying."

"No."

Bella shook her head, but it did not sway me. I took both of her hands in mine and faced her fully. I needed to make her see.

"No. Stop. Just stop, Isabella."

Tears began to stream from her eyes as I gripped her hands determinedly. I waited. Waited for her to see me. Not just look at me, or through me, but to _see_ me.

"I will not walk away from you. I can't. Not because of anything you've done. Nothing you've done is wrong, Bella, don't you see that? Look at me, Bella. Not through me. At me…please." The empty look in her eyes that was warring within herself on whether or not she should give in to me was deafening. "Please," I begged her again, this time with my words. "Please…do this for yourself."

Time seemed to stop as she finally saw. I know she did because I felt like she could see so deep into my eyes that she could pull out my soul if she tried. It was the same way I could see hers and her deep and meaningful beauty.

"I _want _to know you. I don't feel at all as though I _have_ to. I want to help you. You, pretty girl…you never forced anything on me. Never. Look," I gently grasped her chin and brought her eyes back to mine. "There you are," I whispered, "let me in. Let me share my hope with you, okay?"

She nodded in surrender and I slowly let go of her hand and face, bringing her in close and wrapping her in my comfort, giving her everything I could. I felt warm. I felt real. I felt like I had found the fucking meaning of life and won the lottery. How did she make me feel this way?

"Never be afraid. You're safe here with me." I whispered gently in her ear as I felt her tears soak my shirt. It didn't matter.

The only thing that mattered at the moment was her. Her and whoever or whatever it was that had fucked her ups so successfully. I wasn't a violent man, not by any means. Never had been in fact. But right then, I wanted to curb stomp a bitch just to prove a point. I shuddered at the thought.

"Right here, right now…there is only you and me. No danger. No misconceptions. No lies. Just you, just me, and just our own words to define us." I whispered. "Trust _me_. Lean on _me_, Bella. Let yourself breathe. I want to help you."

Within seconds I felt her relaxing into me. I felt her breathe, and I felt her heartbeat fall in step with mine.

This.

This was what the Isabella vein in my heart was for. What I was meant for.

I was meant to let her fade into me.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** Not going to lie. I wrote most of this while sitting on the couch with my notebook as I watched depressing movie after depressing movie…Remember Me, The Life Before Her Eyes, Devils Arithmetic…shall I go on? ANYWAYS. I'm pretty sure I'm finally virus free…YAY!

Please leave a review. It feeds the fire. Trust me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile.

**ALSO!** The outtake letter from chapter 6 has now been posted on www(dot)awordybunch(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Happy reading!

* * *

We sat there on that sofa for…God, I don't even know how long. I wasn't counting. It could have been minutes, or possibly even more than an hour. Not many words were exchanged after that moment. They weren't needed. At this point she just needed a friend, and I just needed to be that friend.

I thought about how happy I was that I had seen her there, not really knowing the circumstances of why or how, and all she wanted to do was give me an out. Silly girl. An out was the last thing I was looking for. I wanted an in, and it turns out that's what I got.

Chuckling, I thought of a way to make her smile. I slowly disentangled her limbs from mine, and registered the hurt look on her face. Rolling my eyes under closed lids so as not to let her see, I realized that of course she would think I was leaving her for good.

"I'm not going anywhere…well, I mean, I am. But I'll be right back. I promise." She looked skeptical as I assumed she would, so I continued. "Trust me?"

"Of course." Came her hoarsely whispered answer, voice still scratchy from her tears and the lack of use.

Stood from her then, pulled her up by the hand and led her over to our chair. Her nose was scrunched up in adorable confusion and I couldn't help but smile. I sat her down and stood above her appraising her appearance. She was a mess, but with no harsh makeup on her face to smudge she looked merely red-faced and flushed. It was also very apparent that she'd been crying and my manhood screamed at me. Rosalie would fucking kill me if she found out Id made her cry. Fucking lovely.

"Okay. You stay here. I'll be right back" and with that I was gone, past the newspaper stand that Jasper had tried to rearrange before his sister had smacked his hand away, past the patrons coming through the door and outside into the damp Seattle day.

Gathering my wits about me, I knew I had to go about this the right way, as she was now probably freaking out in there because I told her to sit and wait for me and then bolted out the door like a madman. Looking back on my plan, I realized how fucking badly it could pan out. Way to think things through, asshole.

Once I was through with the deprecating thoughts, I blew out one last massive breath through my mouth before re-entering the coffee shop.

Bella was sitting basically at the edge of the chair just watching the door. She looked perplexed, desolate and rejected all at the same time. Okay, maybe this had been a seriously bad plan but I was sure it would make her smile, maybe even a little bit more comfortable.

I winked subtly in her direction as I went up to the cashier.

"I'll take two venti mocha lattes, please." The girl behind the counter tried her best 'come hither' look on me and I shook my head. I don't know where the appeal came from with me and the girls. Seriously, I mean I was awkward, kind of nerdy, and I still had that weird ass hair. It always got me what I wanted though. Never failed.

"Here you go, sir." She said as she set the two hot drinks in front of me along with a napkin that I could see the marker seeping through from the other side. Her number. I wondered if they'd ever learn, but gave up on that notion rather quickly.

"Thank you for the drinks, and I wont be needing that…sorry." I told her as I pushed the napkin back towards her side of the counter. As an after thought, I'd asked to use her marker that she labeled the drinks with. Her lips turned down in an over exaggerated pout and I huffed a little rolling my eyes. I turned back towards the coffee shop and pretended that I didn't see Bella sitting there in our chair until I turned around feigning surprise.

"Oh, excuse me miss. I do believe you are in my seat…" I said to her with a gentle smirk on my face.

"I-I…what?" she looked up at me stunned as if I'd lost my mind. Perhaps I had.

"Well, you see, I sit there every day because there's this pretty girl that leaves me letters. I don't really know anything about her, but I do know that you are in my seat, ma'am."

She blushed that cute scarlet Id grown accustomed to and ducked her head.

"Well then I guess I should let you have your seat then, shouldn't I? But I should warn you. There are no letters there for you, sir." She answered me with a small smirk of her own. It was like a smirk on training wheels and I felt a laugh threatening to rumble up through my chest.

"Oh? And how would you know this? Surely you couldn't have known to look for them before I got here and I haven't seen you check since I told you…"

"Because I'm the one that leaves the letters…" she whispered out quietly but still with a smile on her face. I could tell she was enjoying the game.

"Is that so?" I asked her as I eyed her up and down. "Can't be. My Mystery Girl wouldn't sit there looking so mischievous."

"Oh I assure you, sir. I'm the one that leaves those. My name is Bella, what's yours?"

It warmed my heart that she was not only comfortable enough to play along, but to realize what I was doing. I was giving her a fresh start. To make it feel to her like maybe the whole Forks thing just never happened. To allow us to meet for a first time that didn't involve tears or ambulances or anything like that.

"My name is Edward, and well, would ya look at that. This Mocha Latte here has your name written all over it!"

"No it doesn't," she scoffed.

"It does too! Look, it says 'MG' right there on the side. If you are indeed who you say you are, then I do believe this is yours."

I winked at her and her eyes sparkled. She took it from my hands and I watched as she blew into the cup cooling it down. Giggling a bit, she set it down on the table.

"So what do we do about seating arrangements then," she asked as she looked around. The coffee shop had gotten a fair bit busier since we'd started our little venture and all of the sofas were sat to capacity.

"Well, you are still in my seat, Bella. " I sternly told her in jest. "I still plan on sitting there, you know."

She looked like I just told her I was going to run over her dog or something and I was flabbergasted that she actually thought that I'd leave her without a seat. She stood and looked around flustered, not knowing where to put her hands, what to do with the light sweater she held in one. I took the seat and at first sprawled out in it as she looked at me expectantly, confused as hell.

I pulled her by the hand gently down to my lap. She stiffened instantly but once I moved her beside me in the large chair, she visibly relaxed. Not fully, but just enough. The fact that we fit in that chair side by side scared the shit out of me. She was too little, too fragile.

Her head rested lightly on my shoulder and I brought my arm around her to keep her close.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you for not taking the out. And I really would like to be your friend. You seem like you need one too."

I gently squeezed her where I had my hold and placed a feather light kiss on the top of her head. This was a complete turnaround from the girl that was sorry for the way I felt…basically sorry that she was even alive. It warmed my heart.

"And for allowing a fresh start. Wait…why did the cup say MG?" she turned to me suddenly and my mouth turned up at the corners into a wide grin.

"Well, before I knew your name, I called you Mystery Girl. It just stuck I guess. I hope you don't mind." I really hoped that she didn't. I could see a fair possibility that I might slip up and call her just that in the future.

She shook her head no and nestled herself back into my shoulder. It was comfortable, serene even. I didn't really want the moment to end. Just sitting here, my arm draped around the shoulders of the girl who had taken over my world was almost enough for me. Almost.

"Ugh, you two are giving me diabetes and I've only just met you, Edward."

My bubble was contaminated by that voice. The one that gave me chills. The one that threatened to castrate me bit by bit if I fucked up. The one that snuck up on us totally out of nowhere and was attached to the sneer I was now receiving.

"Rosalie! Are you guys done already? I could have just met you at home, you know."

Bella pulled away from my shoulder and I instantly felt the loss. Curse the shrew and the perfectionist to ruin it. Granted, they were a bigger part of her life than I could ever hope to be, so I guess I just should have been happy they were there. Bella sneaked a peek at me up through her lashes and her cheeks were a bright pink at being caught. It wasn't as if we were doing anything wrong, but it was still probably more than she was used to. I liked what she was when we were alone.

"Have you been crying, Bells?"

Shit

"Was it this asshole?"

Double shit.

"Do I have to fuck him up for you?"

Shit on fucking toast.

My manhood seemed to crawl up inside me as if I had just jumped into the cold ocean. I assumed it sensed impending doom and was entirely grateful that it seemed to know the tuck and roll drill. Because only you can prevent forest fires, and all that noise.

"I swear, I didn't mean to-"

"Don't even start. What the fuck did I tell you? And what, we come in here to you trying to take advantage of her or something?"

Holy Christ. Who was this chick? More importantly, why was she acting like she was Bella's fucking mother? What the hell business was it of hers anyways? I got that she was protective and even understood kind of why, but why to this extreme?

"Rose…leave him alone. It's not his fault. I promise. I don't know what you would have shown up to if he hadn't stayed okay?" Bella finally piped in and I whipped my head towards her. That thought had never actually occurred to me. If she was half as invested in me as I was in her, and I had been a different person, less of a person and left…what the hell would have happened. The thought made me weak.

"Right," the shrew eyed me skeptically. "Anyways, we need to get going, are you-JASPER! LEAVE THAT COUNTER ALONE! What have I TOLD you about…"

Rosalie's reprimanding of her brothers need to exact revenge on the mighty clutter faded into the background as my eyes locked with Bella's.

"You have to go, don't you?" I asked her. I could just feel it. I could tell that our time was up before she even said anything. She answered me with a nod of her head and I nodded back to her.

"You're going to be alright, ya know? I know that's the wrong thing to say, because who really knows if things will be okay. And I know that not _everything_ will be good, but you will be alright. You trust me?"

"With my life"

"Good. You'll keep in touch wont you? We're friends now, so I think it would only be fair." She nodded again. She turned into such a different person when those two were around. Almost submissive to Rosalie. What had happened to her? I had a feeling that I did not know the entire story, and what happened in Forks and what she'd told me was only the tip of a very large iceberg. Titanic sized.

"I won't force you to tell me, but I'm here if you ever want to talk about things. I don't really have a lot of experience with this, but I can learn."

"Thank you." She looked around to see Jasper and Rosalie arguing by the door, their attention sufficiently on anything but us.

She surprised the living shit out of me when she quickly moved towards me and gave me the smallest, sweetest peck on the cheek. She blushed furiously and blinked like she had no idea what had just taken her over. I didn't know either, but I was like a Twilight fan seeing a new photo shoot of that douche bag lead actor dude. I was giddy. She was showing me that she cared, and I was a little fan girl inside. Kill me now.

I grasped her face in both hands and she looked at me apprehensively. I knew she was nowhere near ready for a kiss, a real kiss, but her forehead, she could take that. She beamed up at me and I looked at her with pride.

We could do wonders for each other. I felt like there were no limits. I just needed to make sure that she would keep those guarding walls down just a little bit. Just enough so that I could jump over them.

* * *

**Chapters Note:** So, a little bit of light fun there. She needed it, I needed it, we all needed it. I want to kidnap letterward. What a bloody saint right? Or…is he?

LEAVE ONE!


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile.

ALSO! The outtake letter from chapter 6 has now been posted on www(dot)awordybunch(dot)blogspot(dot)com

Thank you to thewaywardgirl for fixing sentences that only I could fuck up as badly as I do! MUCH LOVE TO YOU!

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Happy reading!

* * *

**I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
and the reason is you**

I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you

**The Reason - Hoobastank**

* * *

Ever since that day in the coffee shop, Bella and I had spoken in some form or another. I knew that the days I received a phone call she was having a particularly bad one. It meant she needed more confirmation that she existed than simply words in an anonymous font on the face of a cell phone. I was more than willing to give her said confirmation, but still had no idea why she needed it.

My family was over-fucking-joyed that things were going well. Enough to be expected, that is.

We only met once since that day, and I was okay with it. She needed her time. At least she was talking now. I could deal with it.

The days were changing but the weather wasn't. It was an oddly mild fall here in Seattle. The leaves were still the same and the breeze just blew a little stronger. The usual biting chill was nowhere to be seen.

Rose was still a massive bitch. I mean, who on earth is that much of a bitch? I have never met such a cow before. It's like she wasn't even real. I needed to know the reasons though before I judged. But fuck girl, lay off for like eight goddamn seconds.

Whenever I talked to Bella on the phone I could hear Rosalie in the background yelling at her for talking to me. She would always say that it wouldn't do her any good to get attached and I wanted to punt her into next week for that shit. She didn't need it drilled into her head that I wasn't good enough for her. She could make her own decisions, no matter how fucked up she thought she was. She was getting so much better. Less self deprication, more eating. Rosalie was just making this shit harder on all of us.

Jasper, on the other hand. Holy shit. Who were these people that had fallen into my life? He had this stringy honey hair that fell nearly to his shoulders and he was constantly trying to fix something, anything that seemed to be out of place. I swear the dude would try and rearrange my limbs if he thought he could get away with it. He was funny though. Amused the shit out of me. I could watch him all day long and not get bored. I'd met OCD people before in my lifetime, but never to this extreme. He was like a cartoon character almost.

It was as if time seemed to stand still since Isabella Swan came into my life. The lack of weather change, seeing the same people day in and day out. I suppose that second thing was due to the fact that I basically lived in the coffee shop for so long.

Carlisle and Esme called frequently, checking to see if I was okay, telling me things would be fine. It was always the same conversations, just more often now. Emmett was still a douche, Alice was still obnoxious, but I felt like a changed man.

Everything about me seemed different. I held better posture these days, exuded a confidence that I never had before. It had only been a month since that coffee shop meeting and I was sure that Bella was the best thing to ever come into my life.

I powered up the computer and waited for all that useless shit to load that always does upon start up. As everything logged in I made my way to the refrigerator and grabbed myself a beer as I waited. Upon returning, I noticed that I had nine new emails in my hotmail account. Nothing new.

What was new was the email from an unknown account.

It was from one bellasnotaswan. But my Bella sure was a swan.

_Dear Edward,_

_I can write more here than I can in a text. I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. You're the best __support system__ a girl could ever find. Thank you for all the lovely things you tell me, even if they are just to make me happy. Thank you for being there and not being annoyed by little texts here and there. And the phone calls. They're sweet._

_I re-read the letters you left me. All of them. One of them said you wanted to take me out on a date when I was better. You don't have to do that. You didn't really know me then, but you do now. Things are different, and times have changed._

_I know that a month doesn't really seem like that long of a span but it is. A lot can happen in a month. Depending on the time of year, the season can change. Flowers die, the leaves change and fall to the ground. Certain insects die, but others pester you without fail. Everything can change in a month. I know this from experience. It can, and it has._

_So here I am giving you an out again. Take it however you'd like to, but please don't use me as an excuse. It bothers me that you seem to have taken pity on me and have taken it __upon__ yourself to try and keep me sane. It isn__'__t fair to you and I wont stand for it._

_If by some strange twist of fate you still want to take me out on a date, you need to know __that I've neither been on a date nor kissed__. It would be awkward and strange. Just a heads up._

_Thank you again for…just everything._

_Sincerely, Bella._

I couldn't figure out why the fuck this girl was always trying to give me an 'out' as she so eloquently puts it. Jesus, I started to wonder how much convincing it would take to get her to realize that she _was _a normal person. Normal people are fucked up too. I mean, I considered myself to be a pretty normal guy, but I had my issues as well.

My phone rang and I jumped. Looking at the clock I realized it was almost midnight. Who the hell was calling me at this time?

"Hello?"

"Edward, everything is going to be alright. You know that right?"

"Esme? Whats wrong? Is everything okay?" Clearly everything was not alright because that was the most fucked up greeting I'd ever gotten from my aunt. Ever.

"We're here for you. Just remember that. All of us."

"O-okay. I love you." I wanted to tell her to lay off the crack but decided that would probably be the stupid route. Instead I went with the 'confused-as-fuck' route and kept my mouth shut.

"We love you, son."

And that was it. She just hung up. Just like that. I'd been getting a lot of these strange phone calls lately. Esme, Alice, Emmett…even Carlisle, and he was not the phone call kind of guy at all. I just decided to keep it to myself though. Surely they had their reasons for acting like a bunch of nutjobs. They were probably just worried about Bella and making sure my situation with her was fine. It just bothered me that it felt as if they were talking around me rather than to me.

With a shake of my head I turned my attention back to the laptop., the e-mail in question staring me in the face like a beacon. I decided a response was my best course of action.

_Dear Bella,_

_First of all, please change your e-mail address. I don't like to see you putting yourself down. I'd even settle for Bellaisaswan, plus it__'__s a fun play on your name!_

_There is no need to thank me though, and of course it is all true. I told you once and I will tell you again__.__: __I would never lie to you. I don't even know if it__'__s possible to do so.__Wouldn't you find it absurd if I were saying these things just to make you happy__? I mean I am telling them to make you happy, but only because I want you to be happy. I like you when you're happy. That came out wrong. I like you when you're not happy too. No wait…shit._

_Let me __Start over. I tell you you're pretty and smart and all those things because it__'__s true__.__It's__ not to placate you__,__ it's to validate you._

_I would still very much like to take you out on our date, if that would be okay with you. We wouldn't __even__ have to go all out, __we can__ start off easy if you'd like. Bella, I need you to understand something. I am not _that guy. _You know, the guy that's in something for a joke or a laugh. The guy that checks out other girls when he__'__s with you (__because frankly, __for me, there are no other girls__) or doesn't call you back because he doesn't feel like it._

_I__'__m the guy that brings you flowers, and makes sure you don't trip over a crack in the sidewalk. The guy that doesn't let your hand go when he changes gears. Bella, I'm the guy that thinks about you first thing when he wakes up and __right__ before he goes to sleep. If I had to leave for any length of time I'd make sure that you had something that smelled like me so that I'd always be there with you._

_I'm the guy that likes you for who you are, not who you should be. So stop questioning me and let me be that guy._

_And you're right, you know. Everything can change in a month. I know I did._

_Love, Your Edward_

I hit send without a second glance and the email was on its way, awkwardness and all. I didn't feel the need to edit around her, I could just tell her exactly as it was. This probably meant a messed up read on her end, but I'm sure she'd be able to decipher it enough.

Roughly shoving the heels of my palms into my eyes, I leaned back on the couch and surveyed things.

The hands on the clock had barely moved. The glass that I had used earlier sat nearly untouched. The quiet of my apartment allowed me to hear the hiss of the laptop as the wheels worked in its mind. The phone sat face down on the table top, awaiting its next surreal call, and my e-mail inbox told me I had zero unread messages.

Nothing had changed, but in reality _everything _had changed.

One day, I went into a coffee shop to grab a coffee and catch my breath after a car had almost run me down in the middle of the street. All I'd thought when I sat down in 'The Chair' was "_Thank fuck I'm still alive_". I'd left that day with a new reason for living, a new lease on life and the best grounds upon which to change.

_Isabella Swan._

All I had to do was convince her that she was worthy of being that motivation.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** I sense a bit of fuckery…give me your thoughts. Seriously. What is UP with Edwards family? Also Dear LAWD how sweet is letterward? I WANT one!


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the **video** for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself.** Link is on the profile.**

ALSO! The outtake letter from chapter 6 has now been posted on **www(dot)awordybunch(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

This chapter was beta'd and edited by the very lovely **SuperstarNanna**. Be advised, any mistakes you find are due to my fuckery AFTER the editing process, not her. Love her. You better too.

Thank you to my pre-readers **thewaywardgirl **and **Cullen_Sistah**

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Happy reading!

**IMPORTANT:** There is a pic tease posted on the blog, link is on my profile. Put your thinking caps on when you look at it! Thanks to **evilangel813 **for making all my pretty pictures for this story!

xoxoxoxoxoxox

* * *

**Turn around and you're walkin toward me**  
**I'm breakin down **  
**and you're breathin slowly**  
**Say the word and I will be your man, **  
**your man, say when**

**And my own two hands **  
**will comfort you tonight, tonight**  
**Say when**  
**And my own two arms **  
**will carry you tonight, tonight**

**Come close and then even closer**  
**We bring it in but we go no further**  
**We're seperate **  
**two ghosts in one mirror, no nearer**

**Say When - The Fray**

* * *

I arrived on her doorstep at precisely quarter after seven. We had discussed through a very emotional phone call that I was in fact taking her out on a date, and probably many more to follow. She vehemently tried to argue that I shouldn't want to at all, and I put my foot down and told her that we were going. Not to be rude or anything, but she wasn't the most confident girl. I knew that the only reason she was so against it was because she thought I was just 'trying to be nice' or whatever.

Silly girl.

I rang Bella's doorbell as I gentle cradled the flower I had bought for her. I had chosen a white tulip, as they were meant to express worthiness, and that was exactly what I was going for. It was simple and beautiful, just like my girl on the other side of the door who was probably beating herself down with the panic attack to end all panic attacks.

Bella lived alone, I discovered, in a rundown duplex on the edge of downtown. I also learned that the occupants of the other unit were none other than Rosalie and Jasper. That made me feel slightly better, knowing that she at least had somebody close by.

I heard her tentative steps coming towards the door, like a scared lamb, and I wished that I could see inside her mind. What was it that made her this way? Why was it that Rosalie was so overprotective of her to the point of absurdity? It made me want to pull my hair out. I was going to gently pry for some answers tonight if she'd let me.

Holy fucking shit. How many locks did she have on her door? I felt like I was on a sitcom based in New York City, you know the ones where they have like nineteen locks and then a chain? Does Bella have a chain? Bella in chains…

Douche.

"Edward?" she squeaked out behind the still chain-locked door.

That's my girl. At least she was safe in her home and I could be sure of that.

"It's me," I assured her. The door closed quickly and was open the next instant. The girl that stood before me was perfect. Everything about her was just so subtle and beautiful. She wasn't dressed up, she didn't have harsh chemicals caked all over her face, and she was just…her. I stared for a moment as I tried to figure out what could have caused her so much grief, why she thought she could never be good enough for anybody.

With the hand that still held the tulip, I brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear while cupping her jaw with my other. She looked unsure but also in awe of me. I handed her the tulip and clasped both hands around the one holding the flower that was almost as pretty as her and kissed her on the forehead.

"You're such a pretty girl, you know." She surprised me by giggling but made my heart smile with the answering grin I received. I could tell that she was saying 'you're beautiful, too' without having to actually say it out loud. "You should go put that in some water and then we can go."

She looked alarmed. What the hell had I done to put that look on her face? Fix it fast, Cullen, my mind was screaming at me.

"I'm not rushing you or anything…I just want it to stay beautiful, just like my Bella." Her features softened and she nodded before hastily retreating back into the house. When a second thought must have entered her mind, she spun abruptly, tripping on the mat in her doorway before falling very ungracefully into my waiting arms. What I wouldn't give to be inside this woman's mind right now.

"I got you. Are you alright?"

She nodded but I felt moisture on my arm seeping through the sleeve of my shirt and the muttering about stupidity and bad ideas.

"Hey," I whispered into her hair.

"I'm doing this all wrong. I have no idea what I'm doing and then I just did that and now you're probably ready to run away and I can't get anything right. I'm so dumb to have believed I could do this."

"Oh, Bella. There is no rule book, sweetie. We're doing this on our own terms, in our own way, by our own time. You just take a breath and remind yourself that I don't think you're even close to stupid and take your time. Now what was it that made you nearly meet the floor in a rather unhappy greeting?"

"I thought…I mean... I didn't even ask you to come inside. I almost just left you standing here and I didn't even ask, and I should have…asked. It was rude. I wasn't trying to be rude. I'm just trying to get it right."

Oh man. Okay. How in the hell was I supposed to put this to her? She wasn't getting it at all.

"You do realize that it is your choice and your choice alone whether or not you invite me into your home, right?" I asked her as I smoothed down her silky hair and wiped some tears from her cheeks. "Nothing is set in stone. No one dictates the actions we make…" She nodded and took a deep breath.

"Okay, so I want you to go put that flower in a vase so that it can be pretty for you when you get home, and as for me I'll do whatever you want. In or out doesn't matter. I'd wait on this stoop for hours for you, Miss Swan. Trust me."

God, I hoped she trusted me. She gave me a small smile, looking up at me through her lashes, nodded again and then straightened up.

"Thank you, Edward. Would you like to come inside and wait while I preserve this lovely flower?"

"Of course. Lead the way."

As I began following behind her, I caught her small sigh.

"What's on your mind, pretty girl?"

"Thank you for thinking I'm worthy," she stated as she slightly tipped the tulip higher in the air and then high-tailed it off to what I assume was her kitchen and I stood rooted where I was. I knew she was a smart girl.

While she was gone, my phone began vibrating with an incoming call. Noticing that it was Alice's name flashing on the screen, I decided that then was not the time for one of her crazy cryptic phone calls. I quickly ignored the call and replaced the phone in my jacket pocket when I heard Bella coming back to the entry way.

"Okay…I guess that's it, then. Now, am I driving, or…?"

"Oh no. No, no, no. that is one thing that is written in stone. When you're with me you are not driving that piece of shit, you understand? Have you even gotten it checked yet?"

She blushed and mumbled a no.

"But I haven't driven it either. Just thought…that you'd like to know that. I haven't been in my death trap since that first time you seemed concerned."

Not only was she smart, but she knew exactly what to say to ease my mind.

"It's just that I haven't really had the money, and school and all…I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Thank you, for taking care of yourself. I'm kind of attached to you now. We'll get it looked after."

I held out my arm and she linked hers through my own.

"Madam, your chariot awaits," I joked as I led her to my Volvo so we could begin our evening.

* * *

"How can I help you this evening?" the female voice asked me from the hostess stand.

"Cullen. Reservation for two, please," I said.

"Of course, right this way sir." Her words were innocent enough but her suggestive tone made me want to throw the fuck up. As we followed the plastic thing named Tanya to our table, I made the mental note that her features reminded me of someone. She was so much like that nurse at the hospital that tried to pick me up, and also the barista at the Starbucks. What was with these women?

A small giggle escaped Bella and I looked at her, perplexed.

"The look on your face. I can't figure out what you're thinking about, but it looks like you might be trying to create a cure for cancer using q-tips or something."

I smirked at her and kissed her temple.

"I was actually just wondering how much silicone it took to make her look so fake. A complex equation in itself, my dear."

Tamara or whatever her name was took us to a table in the center of the room and smirked. Fucking smirked. I know she saw what was specifically asked by me on the reservation - I saw her look at it when I told her my name.

"Not here. Don't make me have to speak to your manager," I shot at her. She glared at Bella, which in turn made her cower into my side. Oh no. That shit was not about to play with me.

"Right. Come on then."

She led us to the exact table I had reserved - back corner, out of the eye of onlookers, plenty of privacy. It even had a little reserved sign on it. The little snot had been trying to pull one over on me. She was lucky she was just a hostess; otherwise she'd be telling stories about the asshole that didn't tip her for days. She gave my pretty girl another sidelong glance and shook her head.

"I'm sorry, what exactly is your problem?"

"It's just…she doesn't really seem like your type, that's all. I could do wonders for you." She came close and seductively whispered that last part in my ear and I kid you not, I was actually nauseous from both her perfume and her obliviousness.

"Thanks. My girlfriend's perfect. Now, how about you go take a flying leap off a cliff and get our server for us. And maybe your manager."

The hostess looked furious, and as priceless as her reaction was, I registered that Bella looked appalled, and as we were seated I realized that what I had just said could have just set me back with her. I'd called her my girlfriend. While in reality she was already so much more to me than that, we hadn't discussed it yet. We took our seats and I closed my eyes and ran my hand through my messy hair. Upon opening my eyes, I was met with the same frozen expression of shock on Bella's face.

I took her hand from across the table and stroked it softly with my thumb, trying to calm her down. Her posture relaxed, but her features were stuck like I'd pressed the pause button.

"Bella, sweetie. I…that was…I didn't mean it." And then I automatically regretted that in a hurry when suddenly her face morphed into a mask of hurt. "I mean I did, but I shouldn't have said it. I didn't ask you; maybe you don't even want me to be your boyfriend. Maybe it's too fast, I get it. It was stupid. Just a mistake. I'm sorry."

She still hadn't said anything. I started wondering if this would be both our first and last date. I wondered if she would freak out if I did ask her. Then I thought of how badly Rosalie was going to kick my ass.

Fuck.

"Say something."

Nothing.

"Please, Be-"

"Hi there. My name is Alec and I will be your server this evening. What can I get you to drink?"

Bella's shocked face turned to stunned and then to fear. She didn't want to speak.

"Two waters, please." I told him not taking my eyes off of Bella.

"Right away." He said, and then he was off.

"Bella, please. Talk to me."

"Do you really want to…want me to be…your girlfriend?" she asked meekly, almost in a whisper.

"I would like that very much. So much so that if you want me to be your boyfriend, I will work at being the best boyfriend ever for you. Remember? I'm that guy."

Silence.

It was unnerving, really. Here I was sitting across from someone that no one else has ever given a chance to. Some one that didn't even think she was visible, and I was the one sweating bullets. Everything was on the line now.

"I'd like that," she whispered.

"Yeah?" I jumped from my side of the table over to hers and wrapped her in a warm embrace. "Me too. God, you make me happy, pretty girl. Now," I pulled back from her so that I could see her happily beaming face, "what would my girlfriend actually like to drink, since I doubt water is really going to do it for you. And don't you worry. You tell me and I'll order it. Your food too."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Of course I would, for you, the moon and the stars."

She sheepishly grinned and I took a chance. I leaned down and let my lips meet hers. She let out a small squeak, but didn't pull away, and her small hands clutched to the sides of my button up shirt. Her lips tasted like home. She had no idea what she was doing, and I was there to guide her. I cupped one of her cheeks with my palm as the other rested at the nape of her neck, softly teasing the hair there as the scent that was uniquely Bella assaulted my system. She was all Vanilla and Walnut and simply Bella. It was slow and it was soft and gentle. There were no tongues or gnashing teeth. This was my pretty girls' first kiss, and I was the one to give it to her. As I slowly pulled away, I felt her try and move with me and chuckled. Addicted already. I know I was. I could have kissed her all day and night long.

I gently tucked a wayward hair out of her eyes as I smiled widely at her. "There you are," I whispered. I kissed her one more time before pulling back and settling in beside her to await the server's return.

Screw talking to the manager. Screw getting that Tammy chick in trouble. This was something bigger and better than all of it. No, it was so much more than that; it was everything. I'd finally given my girlfriend her first kiss. Life was fucking awesome.

After telling me what she wanted for a drink and from the menu, Bella excused herself to use the restroom. I leaned back in the booth with my arm along the back and played out every detail of what just happened. It was like the trailer for a movie that you can't wait to come out playing on repeat in my head. This was just the previews.

Remembering the phone call from my sister earlier, I pulled out my phone to listen to the message she would have inevitably left. I dialed the number to listen to it and rolled my eyes.

"Hey big bro. Things kind of suck right now. I miss you. I hope you can hear me. I love you."

What the hell? I'd talked to her yesterday. And of course I could hear her. Did she think I'd gone deaf overnight or something? This shit was starting to get to me…

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** First Kiss! Awwwwww! So ya, Letterwards still a doll, His family is still insane, and Bella made some progress! Stay tuned!

Reviews are LOVE! Leave one!


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile. She made a SECOND one! Its on my authors blog!

This chapter was beta'd and edited by the very lovely irishone82. Be advised, any mistakes you find are due to my fuckery AFTER the editing process, not her. Love her. You better too.

Thank you to my pre-reader for this chapter, evilangel813.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Happy reading!

**IMPORTANT:** There is a pic tease posted on the blog, link is on my profile. Put your thinking caps on when you look at it!

* * *

**Nothing comes easily  
Fill this empty space  
Nothing is like it was  
Turn my grief to grace**

Nothing comes easily  
Where do I begin?  
Nothing can bring me peace  
I've lost everything  
I just want to feel your embrace

**Grace-Kate Havnevik**

* * *

"Jasper, seriously! I like the way my shit is organized dude. They don't need organization. I don't need to know where my movies are at."

"Well, if you had them organized by genre, and then alphabetically within each said genre, then…"

It turned out I'd become a master at tuning out Jasper when he began to carry on. I thank Emmett for my development of that little skill. While the morons were duking it out over the organizational state of Emmett's DVD collection, I looked around the room and took it all in.

A month ago Bella, who currently sat snugly in my lap, our hands intertwined, had agreed to be my girlfriend. This led to the inevitable meeting of the other two couplings in the room. Who knew that a territorial OCD anal retentive spaz would be exactly perfect for an overgrown woman child in the form of my younger sister.

They were inseparable. Sometimes it bordered on disgusting. They evened each other out to this point of almost normalcy in the both of them. That was saying a lot, considering that neither of them were remotely close to being anywhere near sane. I loved them both now, though. Jasper had become a fixture in my life, and he had this way of easing minds and calming all of us down. I understood how he and Bella were such good friends.

Rose and Emmett were a whole other story. Volatile as shit those two were, but meant for each other nonetheless. It took them less time to hit the sack than it did for Alice and Jasper, and trust me that was something I needed brain bleach for. Hearing about your little sisters sex life was not on the top of my list. Damn her and her free thinking.

It was unavoidable that the shrew would end up with the douche. I remembered thinking the first time she ever threatened my life that they would be perfect for each other. The threats hadn't ended there, by the way. No, they had definitely escalated. Once she became aware of our um, status, shit hit the proverbial fan. It was a shit show of epically monster proportions and one I'd like to avoid ever thinking about again, but sadly it was seared into my brain like a cattle brand.

Rosalie and I had actually sat down and had quite the chat. She wanted to know why I needed so badly into Bella's life, and I wanted to know why she was such a life sucking bitch. Seemed like a fair trade to me. It really was an insightful little conversation as it made me wish I could run down a few grade schoolers.

It turned out that Rosalie was Bella and Jaspers protector of sorts from a pretty early age. Bella had told me she was home schooled, but never mentioned what had come before that. She had been in the public school system. She and Jasper were good friends due to the fact that they were both different from the other kids.

Jaspers differences were obvious. I mean, he had probably tried rearranging classrooms and lining up crayons or something. By lining up crayons I mean by color family and then by color, and then by name within the…oh hell, I even confused myself trying to think out his logic.

Bella's differences were something else altogether. Bella was smart, smarter than she had ever let on. She could do equations in her head when she was eight years old and she could read full sentences out of newspaper articles by the time she was in the first grade. It turned out, though, that being book smart is very different from being street savvy.

Bella always did what she was told. She never strayed from that. So when she was ten years old, a boy had told her that she was fat like a pig and should just stop eating altogether. So she did. She had turned eleven before anyone figured out what was happening with her. She was quiet and shy, and also naturally small, so it took quite some time to notice the change in appearance and attitude, seeing as the attitude shift was so small.

Jasper had long since been pulled out of school to be homeschooled and Bella's parents decided to do the same for her. The two families were good friends, and decided to form a support group of sorts. That support group turned into a center for homeschooled children with problems, the very same center that they had mentioned in our very first meeting. The center was created because of them, and they stayed faithful to it, even Rosalie. It was very useful to her brother.

I wanted to find this now grown child and make him wish he had never existed. I never told Bella that Rosalie had told me everything. It would be an invasion of her privacy, and I didn't want to make her feel self conscious.

"God, can we just pick something to watch already? This is ridiculous." The cold hearted bitch that I now thought of as an over protective sibling rather than a bitch with no soul broke me out of my musings.

"Well, if OCDsper here would quit messing with them, we could."

"Awwww babe, just pick one!" Alice danced her way over to where the boys were crouched in front of Emmett's massive collection shooing them out of the way. She closed her eyes, spun around and chose the first thing she laid her hand on. It was classic Alice and I could already feel Em getting ready to bust a nut. It was even funnier when I glanced at the case and noticed that she'd randomly chosen 'The Sound of Music'.

Jasper abandoned his meticulous organization and came to her side. Alice giggled something in his ear and he smiled sheepishly. It was sweet. All she wanted was for everyone to get along and for the most part we really did.

"Al, you know I hate it when we do that. Remember that time we had family movie night and you did that and we ended up watching 'The Sound of Music'? Seriously, that movie gives me the creeps. It's like watching 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' on a hillside."

And that was why I laughed my ass off when I saw what Alice had inadvertently picked.

"Oh you big baby. What did ya get there Al?" Rose asked…and then burst into laughter.

"What's going on? I don't get it." Bella whispered in my ear with a shift on my lap and a groan from my self. I assumed she hadn't seen the case. I smiled down at her and told her to just watch. She would never forget this moment.

Bella was something else that had changed so much in the last month. It was as if she could read my mind. I used to want to save her, actually felt the need to do so. The second she agreed to be my girlfriend, I really wanted her to see herself the way I did, pretty and confident and loving. She became all of those things almost instantly. When I would compliment her, she would accept it. When I kissed her, she would give back what I had given her. We really hadn't moved into the realm of sexual anything yet, and that was fine. She began eating properly and it was evident.

"Just watch baby. This is going to be something else." I whispered close to her ear as I kissed her neck and moved my hands underneath her shirt to feel the skin of her stomach and sides. It had become one of my favorite pastimes, feeling Bella's constantly filling out flesh with my hands. I liked the changes in her. She would talk to people now, even look them in the eye, and we touched and kissed in public. Not over the top or anything, but for my pretty girl it was massive steps in a different direction.

Alice had a questioning look on her face as even she hadn't looked down to see what was in her hand, being too wrapped up in Jasper. Rose quickly grabbed it from her and turned her back on the entire room. In a comical act, she stuffed the movie into the DVD player and then swiped a dozen movies off the shelf and onto the floor, mixing the case that she held in her hand in with the rest.

"Okay. I'm intrigued." Bella whispered back, her breath washing over the shell of my ear and sending a shiver down my spine. It was so hard to stay focused on everything going on around me when I was completely surrounded in her and her happiness.

"What the fuck was that for Rosie? What are we watching?" Emmett yelled out looking thoroughly confused, but then again, that was normal for him I guess.

"Press play babe. Come sit." Rose sat on the couch and patted the spot next to her with a devious smile playing across her model features.

Emmett huffed out a few curses, grabbed the remote and everyone settled in with their respective significant other. He pressed play and it went through its usual previews and such before landing on the disc menu. Apparently, he had never really lost the idea that the Von Trapp's were actually the Seven Dwarves in disguise because as soon as the menu screen came up, he stood up and looked at me with fear in his eyes. I think he was actually terrified of them. How on earth that was a possibility I would never understand.

"Oh fuck no! Just no! Alice…seriously! We are never playing that game ever again."

Rose laughed and told him to calm down. It was just a joke. Alice looked sincerely apologetic and Jasper was eyeing the mess of movies on the floor. I could tell he was really restraining himself from picking them all up to the point where he was clutching Alice's thigh like she was a life preserver keeping him in that one spot. He really had been trying so hard around us. I told him once that he didn't have to, but he insisted that he wanted to.

"Seriously, that shit ain't right. I keep expecting some ugly ass witch to pop out of nowhere and give the damn nun an apple or something. It's all child slavery and shit."

"Child slavery, Em? Really?"

It was getting late, and I heard Bella's giggle at my side and then a small sigh in my ear. Everything else faded into the background then, and I wanted to pretend they didn't exist. They and their comedy of errors would have to wait. I knew that sigh.

"You tired?"

She nodded, closing her eyes and settling her head on my chest right above the heart that was hers. I brought my hand up and cradled it there, wanting her to feel the way she made my heart beat.

"Want to take off for the night?"

"Yea, I don't think were going to be watching a movie tonight anyways." She nodded towards the scene in front of us and I bit back a laugh. Jasper was sitting on the floor frantically trying to clean up to keep his mind at ease. Rosalie had started the movie and was holding the remote away from Emmett. Alice was sitting there enjoying the movie while quietly giving Jasper her bedroom eyes. Eww. No thanks.

"Hey!" I called out, standing as I did. "Ladies and douches, Bella and I are out for the night. Enjoy your…movie" I snorted as I held my hand out for her to take. She took it and went to say her goodbyes.

Rose ran over to me, still playing keep away from Emmett and leaned up to whisper something to me.

"Thank you for making her happy. I almost don't even feel like hitting you right now."

She kissed me on the cheek and I laughed as she ran away, Emmett tackling her to the ground in the process. Bella sidestepped there tangled mass on the floor until she made it back to my side. She and Alice had become good friends. I was glad. She needed that in her life. Al glanced up giving us both a knowing look, followed by a wink. Pesky little one, she was.

"Bye guys! We'll see you all tomorrow," Bella called out. "Alice, I'll call you in the morning okay?"

"Okay. Have fun kids…but not too much! "Alice added with a laugh.

Seeing everyone so happy made me happy.

I had asked Alice about everyone's phone calls and such. She only shrugged and said they were worried. I asked what they had to be worried about, and she told me that they just loved me and Bella too now. We were a unit that they wanted to guard, and just to let them be, so I did.

Making our way out to the Volvo, I pulled Bella in to my side and kissed her hair inhaling in the same movement.

"Where to, Madam?"

"I want to snuggle tonight. I need to be with you." She said shyly as she looked at me through those pretty lashes of hers.

We'd spent a few nights together just simply holing on to one another. She always initiated it, and where we stayed was up to her. I loved it when she came to my place, because just like that first time I met her, seeing her in my clothes made me kind of weak. My t-shirts and rolled up sweat were made for her I'd decided.

"Your place or mine?"

"Yours."

"I love you, you know." I told her.

"I know." She simply said before I helped her in and we were off.

* * *

We were a tangled mess, slick and sweaty. Clothes scattered everywhere, our limbs entangled within each others. Our breath mingling together in heated pants and whispers.

"I love what you do to me." I told her between kisses and touches.

"Make me yours, Edward. Please."

I couldn't resist her, and I couldn't stand to hear her beg. It made something inside of me snap. I wanted everything for her.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

I'm sure my answering smile blinded her as I once again descended upon her attaching my mouth to hers and letting my right hand wander south as my left slowly caressed her beautiful peaks. Upon further inspection in her softest area, I found her to be more than ready with a breathy moan escaping through her beautiful lips as I touched her there.

"Baby, this might hurt." I told her looking her deep in the eyes and she nodded. I readied her with my fingers, stretching her as much as I could and then removed them. Settling between her legs, I took each of her hands in mine, and leaned back to view her splayed out before me. God my girl was pretty.

"You're so pretty, you know that?" I Leaned down kissed her and slowly moved inside.

Just then, the door creaked open and closed with a soft click. I was so lost in Bella, watching her emotions, the pain, the love, the pleasure, that I couldn't be bothered to even give a shit. I kissed her hard and steadied myself once I was inside.

"You good baby?"

"Yes." Her eyes conveyed the truth, so I started to move gently inside of her, learning what made her tick.

"Do you think he can hear us yet?"

Um, hello Aunt Esme and also what the fuck?

"I don't know,"

And Carlisle.

I was so lost in Bella that I couldn't even call out to them, tell them to get the fuck out, or even have the decency to be horrified that they were there. Bella wasn't speaking. Had she heard them? I looked to her to see her with her eyes closed, mouth slightly open and writhing beneath me. No, she hadn't heard. So awkward. What the hell was I supposed to do here?

"We miss you."

Bella began to climax. I was nearing it with her and finding it hard to hold on. She was whispering nonsensical nothings and I was smothering her body in my own. All the while, my aunt and uncle were just there. Just hanging out, watching us get our freak on, first time for both of us…so awkward. Was I supposed to say something?

"I love you."

"I know"

"You're doing that all wrong. That's not where you put it. Jesus. Can no one do anything right around here?" Carlisle shouted as we both slipped into oblivion.

She gasped and moved and clutched to my fingers and I clumsily erupted inside of her. Finally, the sounds around me came back to me as I began to slump down peppering my baby girls face with kisses and showing her all the love I had for her.

"Carlisle and Esme saw that."

"I know"

"Oh for the love of God, move. I'll do it myself" Carlisle yelled.

My eyes popped open and I was covered in a sheen of sweat. My breaths were coming fast and hard and I needed to make my heartbeat slow down. Looking around, I was in my own room, aunt and uncle nowhere in sight. To my right with her head on my chest and snuggled into my clothes under the covers was my Bella.

A dream. That shit had been a dream. One that had been both bliss and a nightmare rolled into one. I held Bella closer to me and closed my eyes.

"I love you," I whispered to her, "More than my own life."

She answered me with a shifting of her body draping an arm over my bare torso. I really did. These nights with her were an undoing for me in so many ways. I wanted more, but knew that neither of us were ready for that. We'd get there in our own time.

And definitely NOT with my aunt and uncle watching…just sayin'.

* * *

**Chapter notes:** Reviews are love. LEAVE ONE!

How did ya like that dream there? *wink*


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile. She made a SECOND one! It's on my authors blog!

This chapter was beta'd and edited by the very lovely Cullen_sistah. Be advised, any mistakes you find are due to my fuckery AFTER the editing process, not her. Love her. You better too.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Happy reading!

**IMPORTANT:** We hit some turning points in this chapter!

* * *

**Is there a heaven a hell  
And will I come back  
Who can tell  
Now I can see  
What matters to me  
It's as clear as crystal  
The places I've been  
The people I've seen  
Plans that I made  
Start to fade  
The sun's setting gold  
Thought I would grow old,  
It wasn't to be**

**24-Jem**

* * *

The months passed in much the same way. The seasons stayed mild, I saw Bella often and we touched and cuddled and kissed till dawn some nights. Some days we sat in the living room watching movie after movie after movie ad I started fielding more and more phone calls from the family.

I let them all go with a tired sigh. Alice's explanation had made zero sense to me, much like everything else in the last little while. Everything had been so surreal, so unreal, that I began to question its integrity.

The only thing I was absolutely sure of was Bella. I wanted her to move in with me. We spent so many of our nights together as it was, and I hated her living alone in that house, especially with Rosalie and Jasper no longer next door.

My siblings had sunk their teeth in and the other two couples in the sextet were living together already. I'd asked Bella already, but she needed time to think, time that I would gladly give her.

We still wrote each other letters. Sometimes we would leave them in 'The Chair', sometimes on the pillow at whatever home we'd stayed at. Sometimes, I just handed it to her on my way out her door, for her to read on her own, without my prying eyes.

* * *

Christmas came and went. Bella still had not agreed to move in, but promised she was thinking about it. I promised not to push her on it. I held on to promises.

_Dec 25, 2008_

_Dearest Bella,_

_This is quite possibly the best Christmas I have ever had since I lost my parents. I have you to thank. I love my family, of course, but you complete my family._

_I know you asked me not to get you anything, but as if you thought I would actually listen to that you silly girl. Its not big, it's not much, but it's perfect for my pretty girl. You have to know that I would get you anything. By anything I mean that I would get you your own fucking yacht if you wanted it._

_I love you, babe. I love you like you are an extension of me. I feel it from you too. I do. Don't doubt that. I don't need to hear it to know it. My family loves you too, like you've always been one of their own. Thank you for being a part of us. A part of me._

_So, Merry Christmas, pretty girl. I can't wait for the hundred more we're going to spend together. Maybe even two hundred more._

_I guess that's all I wanted to say. Stay beautiful, stay the way you are, and stay mine._

_Love Always,_

_Your Edward_

That was the letter I left her in her Christmas present. The present was a locket containing a picture of me on one side, and a mirror on the other. It symbolized the fact that where I was she would always be too. And also, that looking at me, she was seeing a reflection of herself.

She'd left a letter for me as well on Christmas day, on my pillow at my aunt and uncles' house where we'd slept Christmas Eve.

Dec 25, 2008

_Dear You,_

_It's been awhile since I started a letter to you that way. I thought it would be cute. Make you remember where we came from._

_I know that I am going to have the best Christmas in my entire life this year. I have a family. I know I had a family before, but this family is something else. This family has never judged me for my problems. This family has never blamed themselves for my mistakes. And this family took me in when I was at my worst._

_This family is one that I am proud to become a part of one day…in the real sense, you know?_

_I'm sorry I couldn't get you much. I don't have the money you do, but since I knew you wouldn't listen and would get me something…I knew I had to get you something too. I hope it means as much to you as it does to me, and you do to me._

_I want you to know I'll answer everything soon, I promise. I just needed to be sure. I __can't__ wait to move into the New Year with you. I can't wait to do this together. _

_Please don't give up on me, though I'm not entirely sure you could. I love that about you. Your passion. It has given me so much to hold on to. I hope you know that._

_Looking forward to many more Christmas Days together._

_From, _

_Your Darling Bella_

It was comforting to know that she knew I couldn't give up on her. Bella had given me something so perfect that it almost made me cry. It was a CD she had made with all the songs that made her think of me on it. Was the most meaningful thing I had ever been given in fact.

It really was one of the best Christmases ever.

* * *

The New Year came and we passed through it together. We kissed at midnight, and hid in my bedroom away from the rest for the rest of the night. We did our thing. It came easily to us.

"I can't believe how pretty you are." I whispered to her in the quiet of our sanctuary.

It was punctuated by a muffled cheer from somewhere, next door maybe. New Years revelers still in top form.

"I can't believe how pretty you make me feel." She replied and then let out a quiet moan as I brushed across her still clothed southern regions.

"Sorry."

"No…it's okay."

"Okay..." I murmured out.

But sorry, these moments were still just for me and her.

* * *

Valentines Day.

I always hated Valentines Day, and I still do. It was never because I was alone and had no one to share it with; it was because if you truly love someone, like, enough to equate them with St. Valentine, then should you not shower them with the same love every single day of the year?

That was the way I felt, but alas, here we were.

Me and my Bella went out for Valentines Day of course.

"We'll start of with two coffees please. Coffee right, Bella?"

She nodded in assent when I looked towards her and was happy with the fact that she did not have her eyes on the male waiter that stood before us. Not that she would anyways. She'd come a long way, but was still so drawn into herself. She was such a different person when we were alone. Her soft touches ignited things within me that I'd only dreamt of.

We still hadn't made our way around the bases, but we were nearing it. Her shell was so close to broken I could almost feel it in the air. I wasn't pushy, not by any means, and I was more than okay with her wanting to wait awhile. It was a big step to take. Not one that I wanted either of us to take lightly either.

"And I'll have the Chicken Parmesan. What about you, sweetie? What catches your eye?"

Bella looked at me with a twinkle in her eye that said "You catch my eye, Edward." And I wanted to take her away right then and there. We, however, had a meal to eat and things to discuss.

"I'll take the Mushroom Ravioli, please." She whispered out, briefly looking up to be sure the waiter had heard her.

That right there was something else. Months ago there was no way you would have caught her telling the server her own order. I thought back to our very first date and chuckled inwardly. When the waiter arrived and asked what she wanted to drink, her eyes had grown wide and she looked at me with a panicked plea in her eyes. Silly Bella, I had her covered. She had been so worried that her shyness would upset me, annoy me even. I found it endearing. I loved that she was different with me, that she knew that she could speak openly and freely with me. Jesus she'd come such a long way. Just the fact that she ordered something that wasn't just a salad or a soup was so much to be thankful for.

"I'll be right back with your drinks."

We were then left alone, and I took her hand from across the table. There were some big things that needed discussing.

"So, about the moving in thing. I know I said that I'd leave it up to you, but I just want to tell you how much I would love it if you did. Almost as much as I love you, actually."

Her grin widened. She had yet to return the sentiment, but I knew it was there. In her own time, I was sure she'd be able to voice it. I could see it and sense it. Even if she didn't love me as much as I her, she cared deeply enough for me that I knew it to be true.

"I have been thinking about it, Edward, and I think - no I know - that it's something I want to do."

"Really?"

"I mean, I'm there all by myself, its too quiet…too much time to think about things. Things I'd rather not revisit."

"Plus, it means a lot more 'us' time, baby! And to wake up to you every morning. I would die a happy man, let me tell you."

I was beyond ecstatic that she had said yes, I wasn't truly sure that it had yet sunk in properly. I took both her hands in mine and waited for her eyes to meet mine. She was the only one who really saw me lately when looking at me. I felt like everyone else was looking through me. Why I felt so unnerved I had no idea.

"You're really saying yes to this, Bella?"

The waiter returned with our coffees, but they sat untouched as I waited for him to leave so she would validate me.

"I'll be back shortly with your meals." I waved him off and didn't even glance his way.

"I'm really saying yes."

I jumped up from where I sat across from her in the booth and came in to move beside her. Framing her face with my hands, I placed a gentle kiss upon her lips, and then another. I hugged her still slender, but no longer emaciated frame to me and then leaned back to look at her with wonder.

"I love you, Isabella Swan. So much it hurts some times. Do you know that?"

She blushed and nodded.

"I love you too, Edward."

Had I heard that correctly?

"Bella…?"

"I said…I love you, Edward."

My sweet, sweet girl had finally told me she loved me. I wanted to shower her with gifts; beautiful things that made her feel **safe** and wanted. I wanted to jump up and tell the entire restaurant that we were in love. I wanted to kiss her and hug her, and do dirty beautiful things to her, but all of that would have to wait.

"I-I'm speechless, Bella, I don't even know how to…thank you. Thank you for believing we could get to this point, baby! Thank you for staying true to you and waiting till you felt you could say it. Thank you for loving me. I love you too."

That was when our food came and we untangled ourselves from each other in order to eat. I watched her slyly as she ate, making sure she wasn't just moving the food around. Bella still had her moments where she would lapse back into her old ways without even thinking about it. Once I was fairly certain that she wasn't toying with me, I focused on the food in front of me, anxious to get the evening over with so we could talk in private somewhere.

We finished quickly and I paid the bill. Bella had learned that I was the one who paid the bills early on. Not to sound like an asshole, but it really was the gentlemanly thing to do. I paid, while I noticed her leave a small tip on the table. I smiled at her. She knew I tipped, and I knew she left her own as well. It was her way of feeling like she was contributing. It was cute. The first time I noticed her do it had led to an argument. She explained her point quickly, fearing that it would anger me, and I understood completely. After that, I decide to adjust my tipping so that we weren't over indulging the service staff of America.

Making our way out to the car, I threw my arm around Bella's waist and brought her in for a kiss. We giggled and laughed all the way to the Volvo. She smacked my hand away as I tried to tickle her side and leaped away playfully. I pouted until she came back to my side, nestling herself into what I fondly called 'The Bella Spot'. It was that space in my side that she just fit so neatly into. Like it was made for her and only her.

I set her safely in the car, closed the door and made my way around to my own in record time. She'd barely even gotten herself buckled in when I pulled her left hand up to my lips and gently kissed each finger.

"I **can't **tell you how happy I am that you're going to come live with me Bella. Things are going to be great. I can feel it. I just wanted to tell you that this is in no way pressure for us to take the next step. I promise I will still respect your wishes and beliefs, this doesn't change anything okay**?**"

"I know that, Edward. I wouldn't have said yes if I thought that's all you were going for." She snickered and playfully rolled her eyes. Keeping her hand in mine, I changed gears and led us out of the parking lot.

"You really are that guy that doesn't give up my hand even when you have to change gears." Her eyes were shimmering with some unshed emotion and I chuckled and caressed her hand with my thumb.

"I really am that guy. Thought you knew that by now. I brought you flowers, I've never let you fall…I've most certainly not checked out any other ladies."

"Thanks for being him."

"Mmmmmhmmm." I mumbled as she leaned over slightly to kiss me on the temple.

My phone started to ring, and since I was not one to drive and talk, especially with precious cargo in the car, I was just going to let it ring. Instead I decided that anyone that would be calling me knew Bella, so she might as well answer that.

"Babe, can you answer that for me?"

She nodded and grabbed my phone out of the console between us.

"Hello?" she answered. "Edward, its Esme."

"What's up? Tell her I can call her back later."

"She asked if you were coming around."

Well I hadn't had anything planned for when I was going back to visit them, but I decided that soon was as good a time as any.

"Tell her we'll come by in the next couple of days." Bella relayed the message and I beamed at how comfortable she was talking to them now. At first it had been a daunting task introducing her to everyone. Emmett and Alice especially. She and Al had bonded through the relationship that Alice and Jasper had formed, and Emmett saw her as the little sister that he would kick ass for in an instant.

"She says she misses you and will be waiting there."

Well, I hoped they'd be waiting. It was their home after all. God my aunt was so confusing these past few months. It was like talking to an escapee from a mental institution.

"Alright, tell her we'll both be there."

She finished up the call and placed the phone back in its spot.

"Your aunt is so sweet. She's always so worried about you. Why is that?"

"I don't know. She worries about you too, you know. Esme loves you, Bella. She told me. You mean so much to everyone. I never want to lose you."

"You never have to."

That was when everything changed. I remember Bella once told me how much things could change in a month. The way things change in an instant though, that's what can really throw you.

There wasn't enough time to swerve as the car came straight for us, driving the wrong way in our lane.

There wasn't enough time to scream.

There wasn't even enough time to register what was happening before the crunch of the metal and glass sounded everywhere around us. The frame of the car imploding on itself from the impact of the high speed the other car was travelling.

There was only enough time for me to grasp my Bella's hand just a little bit tighter and tell her I loved her one last time.

"I know. And you always will. Find me…don't forget about me." She simply said

In one second everything had changed. It all seemed oddly familiar to me. The sounds, the sights, the taste of the metal and the blood. Brief flashes of another time danced through my head, but they were incongruent with what was happening. Not right. Not what I was living through at the moment.

I'd never given much though to how I would die. But dying in place of someone I love, seems like a good way to go. I can't bring myself to regret the decisions that brought me face to face with death. They also brought me to Isabella.

Death is peaceful - easy. Life is way fucking harder.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** NOW tell me your thoughts…LOVE YALL!


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile. She made a SECOND one! It's on my authors blog!

This chapter was beta'd and edited by the very lovely irishone82. Be advised, any mistakes you find are due to my fuckery AFTER the editing process, not her. Love her. You better too.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

**IMPORTANT:** If you are still with me after last chapters fuckery, I commend you. Let me know at the end if you are still around please!

**Driving away from the wreck of the day**  
**And the light's always red in the rear-view**  
**Desperately close to a coffin of hope**  
**I'd cheat destiny just to be near you**  
**If this is giving up, then I'm giving up**  
**If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up**  
**On love, On love**

********

Driving away from the wreck of the day  
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus  
'Cuz love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love  
I'm just falling to pieces  
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up  
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up  
On love, On love

**Wreck of the Day – Anna Nalick**

"Edward, everything is going to be alright. You know that right?"

Beep. Beep. Beep

"We're here for you. Just remember that. All of us."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"We love you, son."

* * *

"Hey big bro. Things kind of suck right now. I miss you. I hope you can hear me. I love you."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Alice needs you back buddy, and so do I."

* * *

"Do you think he can hear us yet?"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"I don't know,"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Ed, can you hear us son?"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"We miss you."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

* * *

"You're doing that all wrong. That's not where you put it. Jesus, can no one do anything right around here?"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"I swear. Nurses don't know shit about shit these days."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Oh for the love of God, move. I'll do it myself"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

* * *

"Edward, Its Esme."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Are you coming around baby?"

Beep. Beep. Beep.

"We'll be here waiting when you do."

Beep. Beep. Beep.

* * *

I don't remember there ever being a white light or anything like that, but I guess that doesn't happen when you aren't dead. I mean, I guess I wasn't dead. I could still hear things going on around me and I ached, stiffly. It felt as if none of my joints had moved in weeks.

"The doctor said it wouldn't be long now."

"I'll go get the others."

I must have been in a hospital. That was the logical explanation…right?

"He's been moving around a little bit more today. That's a good sign."

That's when I remembered the accident. Bella, was she okay? Had she survived?

"Be…"

I tried to get the words out, but they were like cement and my tongue was the mixer. My eyelids were much the same. They felt as though lead weights were holding them shut.

I guess someone heard me try to speak and was clutching my hand. It was soft and feminine. Perhaps it was my Bella. Maybe it was Esme or Alice, but I decided to hold on to the fact that it was my pretty girl. It hurt less when I thought of it that way.

"Edward? We're here. Open your eyes for us."

"Is he awake?"

"Not yet."

"We've missed you so much bro. Things haven't been the same without you calling me a douche."

Ah, Emmett, he made things easier. I felt my lips turn up into a half a smile but I couldn't manage the rest of it.

"Oh yeah. He can hear us alright; nothing makes him smile like me calling myself a douche."

Bella though, she made me smile like that. Didn't they remember the smile I had for Bella? This was all wrong. Why weren't they talking about her? Where was she, and is she okay? I licked my lips and tried again.

"Esssme. Be…"

Why couldn't I get her fucking name out?

"I'm here baby. I'm here. We all are. We've missed you these last three weeks."

Three weeks? That accident had put me out for three weeks? I knew that it had been bad, but you would think with the protection of the steel and sheet metal of the car, it wouldn't have been this bad.

Three weeks. I wonder how Bella had been fairing all this time. I was frustrated that they weren't talking about her.

Three weeks is a long time. A lot can change in three weeks. Had she forgotten about me? Given up hope?

I slowly worked at opening my eyes, and squinted against the harsh light that seared my irises through the tiny slits. I could see Esme and Emmett. That was it. Esme still held my hand in hers.

"Carlisle, did you call the nurse? Oh for the love of God, don't roll your eyes now."

"Yes Esme, I called the nurse." My uncle said and then mumbled something about them being incompetent anyways so he didn't even see the point as to why. "I called the doctor too."

"Bella."

Finally! Okay. I was starting to find it easier to regain the usage of the functions of my body. I squeezed my aunt's hand, and turned my neck slightly to see who else was in the room. I saw Alice and Carlisle and a nurse that my uncle was looking at quite nervously. No Rosalie. No Jasper. No pretty girl.

"Carlisle, leave the poor girl alone." I told him and chuckled quietly.

"Oh kid, there you are. We've been going insane."

"How's Bella?"

The room went silent and my heart dropped to my feet. Silence was never a good sign. Silence meant the answer was bad. Silence was ominous.

"Where is she?"

All four of them looked at each other in confusion and back at me with sympathy. Carlisle took a seat on my bed on the opposite side from my aunt and took my other hand. This was not good. The answer was going to devastate me; I could feel it in the air.

"Where. Is. Bella?" I asked, punctuating each word and still feeling the mixed emotions coming from everybody.

"Son, who's Bella?"

Who is Bella? Who in the merciful flying fuck is Bella?

"Bella!"

"We don't know anyone named Bella, sweetheart."

Why were they lying to me? Was this their way of letting me down easy? She had died and they were hoping that I had forgotten about her. Bella was the girl that Esme loved like a daughter. She's the girl that Emmett couldn't wait to kick someone's ass for. The girl that Alice had become best friends with. Bella is the girl that Carlisle told me not to let slip away.

My heart and mind were racing and I didn't know which one was going to win.

"B-but…she was in the car with me…in the accident. I need to know how she is."

Esme looked concerned for me and put her hand on my forehead. Carlisle took my pulse at my neck as he checked the time on his watch. Alice looked like she was going to cry and Emmett just looked confused.

"Dude… you weren't in a car…"

"Of course I was in a fucking car!"

"He's panicking!" An unfamiliar voice called out, and everything turned into a blur.

I calmed down enough to tell them to get the fuck out. Every single one of them. I didn't want to see them when they were lying to me like that.

"Edward sweetie, we aren't lying. It's the truth. Please. You were hit by a car while you were on foot, you weren't in a car…and I'm sorry, I can't recall this Bella."

This Bella? This fucking Bella? They were telling me that the last 6 months that I lived were a lie and I was a crazy person that lived them in my head. They were telling me that the love of my existence wasn't real. They were basically telling me that love, life and its meaning were over. And they expected me to believe it. Just like that.

"Leave. Now! I need some time."

After they left, I thought over and over about what happened.

Nothing seemed to make any sense.

Visions raced through my head of glass, crunching metal, blood…and pavement. Pavement!

Everything stopped as I remembered what had happened.

_I was on my way into work and decided to stop into Starbucks for coffee for me and Angela and Ben. I was on foot. I rarely drove to the bookstore as traffic could be horrendous and it was needless to use the gas when you would just sit idling in the middle of downtown Seattle._

_I was walking down the street. It was a beautiful day out, mild. I remember getting tangled up in a dogs leash and making some small talk with its owner. I was happy that day._

_I came across an old friend. We chatted for a bit, exchanged phone numbers to get together sometime and moved on._

_The corner! I remember getting to the corner and waiting to cross until the light changed and said I could. There were plenty of other people around as well, all going along their daily routines._

_My phone rang and I answered it. It was Ben. There was a problem with the books. We'd lost an invoice and it royally screwed everything up. I told him I was stopping for coffee and asked what he and Angela had wanted. We joked about how long of a day it was going to be and then the light changed._

_I fumbled with the phone and stepped off the curb…_

None of it was real.

_I took two steps before I looked up and saw the car coming at me and the driver looking in her rearview mirror trying to apply something to her face. Our eyes met for a millisecond before I felt the impact._

I knew those eyes. Those eyes followed me. They were there when I was at the Starbucks day in and day out. They were there when I went and visited 'Bella' in the hospital. They were there when we went on our first date.

I then remembered the pain and the confusion that followed.

_I tasted blood and my limbs felt useless. How fast had she been going? People were screaming all around and I could hear the mumblings of chatter on cell phones close to my body. I remembered looking straight up to the sky and thinking that it would be the last time I would see it._

None of this was real.

_I remembered locking eyes with that driver. She was blonde, strawberry blond. She had icy grey eyes with a seductive undertone to them. I then remembered looking around and grasping for something else to see because I didn't want her eyes to be the last thing I remembered._

_I didn't find anything to latch onto, and then the world went black, and all I could do was feel. Even that was difficult._

"None of it was real…" I whispered out.

The room reeked of silence.

"Edward, you've been in a coma for nearly three weeks." Carlisle said as the doctors and nurses worked around him, doing…whatever it was, they were doing. "I know you wanted us to leave you alone for awhile…and we did. But, I think you'll find that you are going to need us."

I gave him a small nod and waved him of as I had only just realized that they had re-entered my room. Lord knows how long I sat there stunned. And then for him to tell me that I had been out for only three weeks.

Three weeks. I had lived the best almost six months of my life inside my head in the span of three weeks. How was this even possible?

"Emmett? You don't know a Rosalie?"

"No man…she sounds hot though."

I smiled to myself as I remembered how fucking scary she was, and how sad it was that Emmett would never get that too. They were perfect for each other.

"She was. Loved cars too." I laughed. And then I wanted to cry.

Alice. Alice would never get to feel the love of her new best friend and the love of her life. I wonder if OCDsper, as my dream Emmett liked to call him, even existed.

I fell into my own thoughts then and nodded and shrugged my answers to the questions that were asked of me.

Maybe Bella was out there somewhere. Maybe she still needed me. I didn't even know what the goddamn date was at this point I was so confused, and all I could think about was her.

Things started to fall into place though. The strange phone calls and messages, the way I felt as if people were talking around me, and not to me. How exaggerated Jasper and Rosalie were. And the fact that Bella was exactly what I needed her to be. Of course my sub-conscious would have done that.

It all felt wrong.

I didn't understand that I didn't get to touch my girl, or kiss her, or tell her I loved her. I didn't get to enjoy the fact that she loved me back and was going to live with me. I didn't get to see her smile and blush when we tried something new and then cuddled together in one of our beds all night long. I didn't get to see her in my clothes, or even her own and I didn't get to tell her that I wanted to marry her.

Angry tears started falling from my eyes and I had stopped paying attention to the movement around me.

I wondered if Bella existed somewhere. I wondered if there was even a chance that I could love someone that wasn't Bella. Would I ever find love again? Would I ever find it at all?

If it wasn't real, had it actually been love?

This was all too frustrating for me to deal with. I scrunched my eyes closed and willed myself back to a better world. A world where Bella, was real.

"Did you love her?"

I opened my eyes to see the room quieted down and Alice sitting on the edge of my bed. I took her hand and hugged her close to me.

"Come here you. I missed you."

She giggled as she snuggled closer into my side and I stroked her hair. They all must have been so worried about me, and here I was living my life as if they were there…in my head…like a crazy person. I was going to need some fucking therapy after this.

"Pffft, you didn't even know I was gone. And you didn't answer my question."

"I did Alice, more than anything."

* * *

**Driving away from the wreck of the day  
And it's finally quiet in my head  
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed  
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up  
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up  
On love, On love**

**Wreck of the Day – Anna Nalick**

* * *

**End Chapter Notes: **I had one reviewer hope that the car crash was all another one of Edward's elaborate dreams. You got your wish, darling.

****IMPORTANT** **The story does not finish here. Hold on tight. I promise that if you play this game with me you will NOT be disappointed! Thank you so much for reading.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile. She made a SECOND one! It's on my authors blog!

This chapter was beta'd and edited by the very lovely daretobreath. Be advised, any mistakes you find are due to my fuckery AFTER the editing process, not her. Love her. You better too.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

**IMPORTANT:** If you are still with me after last chapters fuckery, I commend you. Let me know at the end if you are still around please!

* * *

**I don't know anymore**  
**What it's for**  
**I'm not even sure**  
**If there is anyone who is in the sun**  
**Will you help me to understand**  
**'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need**  
**Maybe you're not even sure what it's for**  
**Any more than me**

****

May God's love be with you  
Always...

'Cause if i find  
If i find my own way  
How much will i find

**You...**  
**I'll find you**  
**You...**

**In the Sun – Micheal Stipe and Chris Martin**

* * *

When I woke up it was May twelfth. The date didn't really matter to me though. Nothing did. I'd pretty much lost everything anyways. I tried at first, I really did. I tried not equating every single miniscule thing I saw with Bella, but it was no use.

When I went to work, and holy mother of God was the place ever a mess, I passed that Starbucks every goddamned day. I looked inside once. 'The Chair' mocked me from its little perch there and made me want to evacuate my breakfast. I could almost see the two of us sitting there together laughing. I could see me sitting there and writing her letters. It hurt me so much that it made me angry.

Every once in awhile, from behind, I would see a girl with long brown hair, small hips and tiny little legs. I'd go to reach out, smell her hair, anything…and then they would turn around. The eyes were always wrong. It had occurred to me that even if 'Real Bella' did exist, that was the distinct possibility that she would be very different from 'Dream Bella'. I also knew that I would know her if I saw her.

The other day we were in the shop. Ben told Angela he loved her, and she replied with a simple 'I know' with a smile on her face. It was so reminiscent of what Bella and I used to do that I wondered if anything from my dream state wasn't something I had just conjured up from previous events.

I was two weeks out of the hospital at this point and completely lost…going through the motions, basically. I remembered every moment of it every second of the day. She was there in everything. Someone would come in to the book store specifically looking for 'Wuthering Heights' – Bella's favorite book, or someone would sign their credit card with the initials M.G. I couldn't get the fuck away from it all and I was drowning.

My family, they were there. Always so sympathetic and constantly saying sorry. I tried over and over again to make them stop. None of this was their fault. It wasn't their fault that I was hit by that Tanya bitch, who, by the way, stuck around long enough to talk to the cops and was gone. She apparently didn't even bother getting out of her car to check if I was alright when it had actually happened. It wasn't their fault that I had been on my way into Starbucks that day so subconsciously I went in there in my mind. It was definitely not their fault that I fell in love with a fucking mirage.

"You okay there, Edward?" Angela asked me and I let go of the fistful of hair I had unconsciously been trying to pull off my head while I was internally freaking out. Looking around I remembered that I was in the book store now. I had to work. I had to get through my shit and put on a happy fucking face.

"Yeah Ang, I'm good. Sorry I just sort of blanked there for a minute."

"It's okay Edward…" she said quietly. " You're allowed to be hurting, you know." She put her hand on my shoulder and I saw her shoot Ben a quick worried glance.

I let out a deep sigh and slumped my head down to my clasped hands.

"I need to remember to live in reality now, Ang. It's just hard…I can't…"

It took me a minute to realize I was sobbing and Ben was escorting me towards the back room. I didn't have anything left in me to even give a shit that I was fully bawling my eyes out in front of my best friend and his girlfriend. Dignity left with Bella too, it would seem.

"Let it go, man."

"I'm sorry, Ben. I'm so so-" I couldn't even get the fucking words out. I was suddenly riddled with anger and the tears stopped abruptly. I straightened up and I could feel it boiling inside me. I didn't know where my rage was even directed, but I found myself screaming and kicking at anything I could find. I punched the neat stacks of boxes that were lined up along the wall, destroying the hard work that Ben had put in over my absence. I thrashed and swore and threw things and then I was defeated.

I hung my head and then peeked out of the corner of my eye. There sitting on the table was something I was so angry at It made me lose my mind. Wuthering fucking Heights. I was banning that shit from this store. I threw it across the room narrowly missing Ben on its path to the wall.

"WHY THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN? WHY ME?"

Ben stood with Angela slightly behind him, protecting her from my blind rage. I felt bad because it wasn't directed their way at all, but I needed to get it out.

"DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME BELLA? DO YOU?" I yelled as I stared toward the ceiling. "I can't do this without you." I whispered as I dropped to my knees. Seconds later I felt Angela's arm draped around me rubbing my back and telling me that I had them. I had my family. I had Alice and Emmett and my 'parents'. I had the crazy old man that came into the store every second day just to talk because he had no one else. I wanted to give her shit because she forgot Rose and Jasper and then laughed bitterly at myself.

It occurred to me that I was acting as though someone had died. I guess anything was possible. Maybe a little bit of me died. I felt like I was losing myself. I had to get a grip.

"Edward…Edward"

"Huh?"

"You spaced out again there buddy. Were taking you to the hospital okay?"

"Why"

"Because you're bleeding all over yourself. Angela its okay. He'll be okay."

I looked over at Angela to see tears falling from her eyes and then down to my fists that were covered in blood. I didn't even know where it was all coming from. I was fucking everybody up. They didn't need this shit. They didn't need me spilling my emo all over their goddamn perfect lives.

I nodded in acceptance for them to take me. Ben helped me up by the elbow as Ang went about closing up the store.

"I'm so sorry you guys had to see that…" I said quietly. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep my shit together for just one day and Ang…come here Ang." I hugged her to my side trying not to get any blood on her. I registered that she didn't feel right. She didn't fit there properly, but I dismissed the idea. "I'm sorry I scared you."

"Edward. You didn't scare me. I'm so worried about you. You have to stop feeling like you have to do this alone. If you don't, you won't ever get past it."

We walked to the car and sat in the back as Ben helped Angela into the passenger side before he started to his own side. I saw him pick up the phone and he used it at the front of the car keeping an eye on me as he did.

"Would Bella want you to try to be a man right now? Let your guard down so we can help you, okay?"

I know she was just trying to help, but all her comment did was make me angry.

"If Bella was real, she would be here right now, and I wouldn't need any fucking help."

* * *

**2 weeks prior**

"Well, it would seem to me that you are pretty well clear here, Edward. Any problems I should know about before we set you loose?"

I wanted to tell him that I just wanted out of this fucking hospital, but that would do none of us any good. Instead I went with the helpful route and told him the truth.

"Um, my head still aches a little, but everything else is alright. Well, I mean it's all working, or whatever. IS the head thing normal?"

I really really wanted him to say yes so I could just leave. It would be nice if one thing went my way since this entire nightmare began. I wasn't sure what was worse. The fact that I viewed reality as a nightmare and my dream world as real life.

"Hmmmmm…" he said, his voice dripping with discouragement as he poked and prodded at my head a little longer.

_Say yes mother fucker or I swear to all that is holy I will bust a cap in your ass._

Then I wondered when I turned into a Crip. Who knew I was all about busting caps in asses? I didn't that's for sure.

"Well everything seems to be in working order. The headaches are normal and should subside. Anymore confusion?"

_Yes but please kindly go fuck yourself. You would be confused too if what you previously thought to be real life was all a goddamned dream. The sweetest most beautiful and realistic dream you've ever had at that._

"A little, but nothing I can't handle. Listen; to be honest, I am just really tired of being here. I've been in this hospital for like six weeks now, including the duration I didn't know I was here for and frankly I'm over it. I'd like to get on with my life. I haven't slurred a sentence or blacked out in almost a week. That's good right?"

At first things were hard. I found I could only stay conscious for short periods of time before I was out again. This made no sense at all to me seeing as how I had been sleeping for three weeks straight previously. I blacked out, I would fail a field sobriety test in a heartbeat, and I found it hard to remember words. Things as simple as the word 'door' completely slipped my mind. It frustrated me to no end. I'd even needed help eating. I was at a complete loss.

"I'll agree with you there, everything checks out on your chart with what you just said." He told me with a chuckle. "You're recovering quite well. Make sure you take it easy for the first couple of weeks and come back and see me if you have any trouble at all…with anything."

I nodded to the doctor and breathed a sigh of relief. _Thank fuck._

"Colorful language for such a nice boy." He said and I paled.

I hadn't even realized I had said that out loud.

"Don't worry. I assure you its normal, you'll be just fine. Come back for a check up in three days and we will go from there."

"Thanks. Sorry if I've been a task to deal with."

To be honest I hadn't made their lives easy at all during my stay. I was bitchy and whiny. I didn't really want contact with anyone, and there was just constantly someone there. The family I could deal with but it was the doctors and nurses and specialists and all that. It was just too much.

Especially when all I wanted was her.

Bella would help me make everything better.

She was better than any reality I could be forced to be stuck in.

* * *

**One week prior**

_Knock Knock Knock_

I bit the bullet and knocked on the door of the apartment I knew to be hers.

I heard footsteps and my insides churned. They didn't sound right. Maybe Bella was bigger in this world. Maybe she never really had any eating disorders to begin with. Maybe she was different.

There was a pause at the door.

Slowly, painstakingly slowly, locks began to unlock and I held my breath. All that was left now was the chain. The fucking chain. _Just unlock it already _my mind begged whoever was on the other side of that door.

"Hello?"

I slumped in my spot on the stoop when I heard a mans voice. Maybe Bella already had her other half in this world. Maybe she wouldn't even need me. Did this man call her pretty girl?

"I-is Bella here?"

The door closed while he unhooked the chain and reopened again to reveal a tall, dark man even taller than my six foot two frame.

"I don't know of any Bella. Maybe you have the wrong house."

"No Isabella?"

"Nope, sorry. Name doesn't ring any bells kid."

I was simultaneously lost even deeper into depression because I was no closer to finding her and overjoyed at the fact that my pretty girl wasn't with this man. And the fact that he chose to associate bells with remembering her made me question if he was telling the truth. I didn't really trust anything anymore. Not even myself.

"Hey," he said, stepping out onto his stoop with me. "You're that kid from the accident aren't you?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded. I'd been hearing a lot of that this week. Apparently the accident was big news.

"I thought so. I read about it in the paper. How's everything going with that?"

"Oh really bad, actually…" I told him with a big sarcastic smile on my face.

He chuckled and I was glad I didn't offend him. I hadn't really meant to.

"Sorry. That was rude. I'm just having a difficult time…deciphering…"

"I get it. I mean well I obviously don't. But I understand. I'm sorry I couldn't help you out with who you were looking for."

We nodded to each other and said our customary goodbyes…and I walked away from yet another dead end.

I'd done my research, well as much as I could. Charlie had died, along with his wife in a car accident. I visited the old family home but it was pointless, no one was there. I even went next door before coming here. No Jasper and Rosalie to be found. I went to all the places we had been, aside from stepping into the Starbucks. It petrified me. There was no Bella. Anywhere.

I was beginning to believe I was in fact a nut job. How can anything so beautiful not be real? Welcome to my goddamned life.

* * *

**Back to present day.**

"Well, you did quite a job on your hand there, kid. The wrapping should do it fine. Promise me no boxing with inanimate objects anywhere in the near future, alright?"

"Alright and thanks again." I gathered my things and was on my way out the door when I was stopped.

"Edward…"

"Yes?"

"Have you thought about seeing the psychiatrist? I think you need some help."

I knew this to be true but I was so tired of everyone telling me the same thing over and over. This isn't healthy, Edward. You need help, Edward. Live in reality, Edward.

"I'm not crazy…I'm just a little fucked up right now."

* * *

Chapter Notes: Do you think he'll find her? Family was left purposefully out of this chapter.


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile. She made a SECOND one! It's on my authors blog!

This chapter was beta'd and edited by the very lovely daretobreath. Be advised, any mistakes you find are due to my fuckery AFTER the editing process, not her. Love her. You better too.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

**IMPORTANT:** This is one of those chapters where it really helps if you hear the song.

* * *

**Digging a hole and the walls are caving in**  
**Behind me air's getting thin but I'm trying**  
**I'm breathing in**  
**Come find me**  
**It hasn't felt like this before**  
**It hasn't felt like home before you**  
**And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel**  
**This way**  
**And I miss you more than I should**  
**Than I thought I could**  
**Can't get my mind off of you**

**And I hate the phone**

**The Fear You Won't Fall – Joshua Radin**

* * *

"And how do you _feel_ about that?"

I looked at the psychiatrist in disbelief. Wasn't he supposed to tell me that shit?

_Fuck doc, I'm so confused that I don't even know which end is up right now. No really! Its freaking awesome. One second I'm living in reality and then the next I'm…somewhere else. It's a fucking nightmare._

"Fine."

* * *

"Sweetheart, how have you been sleeping?"

_Oh…well sleeps my favorite thing in the world. Really, it is, because every time I close my eyes, I'm reminded that living my life without Bella sucks! I've really been getting a lot of it!_

"Fine, I've been sleeping alright."

* * *

"Do you want to come downtown with us? Get your mind off things?"

_Oh, indeed. Going downtown will certainly ease my mind and tear me away from all of this. Everything I'm trying to run away from didn't happen downtown or anything! No! Hell, let's got to the Starbucks and rip my heart out while we're down there, eh?_

"Sure…"

* * *

I apparently was having a problem with telling people the truth. Not so much that I was lying to them, but I found myself saying what they wanted to hear. Mostly so that they would just lay the fuck off me.

The family was….well, the worst. I had to admit that. They were really only looking out for my well being and it was getting harder to lie to them. In the hospital it'd been easy, after that not so much. I kind of became an asshole and started ignoring them. I wanted to break down on them so bad, but felt I really couldn't.

A breakdown was completely unavoidable but I'm glad it happened at the bookstore with Ben and Angela instead of with my family. I was still embarrassed as fuck, but they seemed cool about it and were starting to understand what I did and did not want to hear. The family was a completely different story altogether.

I felt like an asshole but their apologies and sympathetic glances were starting to kill me. Alice was constantly trying to 'see' what might happen, and Emmett was being extra obnoxious, like he was trying to overcompensate for my shitty mood. Esme and Carlisle were too understanding, and I'd had enough, so I took the avoidance route. It was a fucked up move on my part, but completely necessary in my mind. Rational even.

I refused to tell anyone that I had been seeing the shrink. The 'I told you so' stares got to me. Although I now realized that I couldn't do this alone, I still wanted a little independence.

July 12

"How have things been since our last visit, Edward?"

"The usual. Why me, why can't I find her and all that jazz. Maybe a little bit of self pity thrown in there."

He chuckled and wrote on his chart. It always made me nervous when he did that. I hadn't even thought I said anything helpful or interesting. "Have you gone to the Starbucks yet?"

I looked at him incredulously. I was aware that I was a chicken shit. It had been two months since I woke up and found out that she wasn't real. A month since I'd gone back to work. Three weeks since I decided I needed help beyond what I could give myself. The one thing I couldn't do was step foot in that Starbucks.

My reasoning was simple. If she was there, or any sign of her was there, I would be ecstatic and figure out how to get into her life for real. On the flipside though, going in there and finding no sign at all makes it painfully real. I still held on to this tiny shred of hope that she existed somewhere no matter how naïve that might have been.

"No."

"Do you think you ever will?"

I blew out a breath and wondered if I ever would be able to. Several visions danced through my head. Pictures of walking in only to find a beautiful brown eyed girl sitting in 'The Chair' drinking a Mocha Latte. I saw me walking over to her, leaning down to lay a kiss on the top of her head and her smiling angelically back at me. But then I saw the other side. What I saw there was the break down to end them all punctuated by a stay in your friendly neighborhood mental ward.

"No."

"Hmmmm."

I hated that sound with everything I had in me. It felt judgmental and ominous. Doctors used it all the time, even my uncle.

"How is the family?"

"Fine." I lifted my hand to scratch the back of my neck and looked towards the floor before I met his eyes with a forced smile.

"How do you know?"

"What do you mean by that?" I snapped back.

"Edward, it's obvious to me that you clearly don't really know the answer. Your posture when I asked that told me so. Are you still avoiding them?"

"Yes." I finally whispered out. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. It was wrong, I knew it was wrong to avoid them, but I couldn't make myself be around them. Their constant pity and apologetic behavior made everything worse.

I ignored their phone calls, because lets face it, I hated the phone. Every pone call reminded me of what I heard while I was sleeping. Subtle hints that something wasn't right. It hurt the most when I would see my aunts' number flash across the screen and I would instantly reject the call.

"Look, I get that I'm being an asshole here, and need to let people in, but I can't."

"It's understandable, but perhaps if you did let them in, and tell them why you're having problems communicating with them, they can help you along with it. They can't stop what they don't know they're doing wrong," "That's just it. They aren't doing anything wrong! Not really. It's all me. I'm the problem. I can't get past the fact that they all loved her too. They did, and now they'll never get to know that. I feel like I took something away from them as well when I woke up." I rubbed my face and looked down at my lap. "Christ, that doesn't even make any sense."

"Okay. Maybe you need to start off slow. Talk to one member of the family. Maybe the one you feel most comfortable with at the moment. Go from there, and let me know how it goes."

I nodded and blew out another breath. This was so hard.

"I'll see what I can do."

"That's all I ask. I'll see you in three days, Edward. Try and remember that none of this is your fault."

And see that right there was another problem. If it wasn't my fault, and it wasn't an imaginary person's fault, and it wasn't the fault of the people closest to me…where the fuck was I supposed to lay any of the blame?

* * *

July 21

I'd taken the advice of the psychiatrist and started with Alice. She was overbearing, but she knew when to back off and she tried her hardest not to bring up the subjects that would upset me.

"Let's go for coffee, big brother." I stopped and paled. She had been trying to make me take baby steps in her own way to push me towards some semblance of recovery. She wasn't being pushy or rude about it and it was small subtle gestures. I think it might have actually been helping. I just wasn't sure that I could do this. This was something that was a hard limit. I wasn't ready to have my heart torn apart just yet.

"Alice…"

"Calm down, Edward," she looked at me with concern. "I wasn't suggesting we do _that, _I promise."

I instantly relaxed but regarded her curiously. Everything she did had some sort of hidden meaning that I was forced to figure out on my own.

"Just come on…it won't be bad, I promise."

I decided to let her try this out. Whatever it was she had planned couldn't be too awful if she still had a smile on her face.

She leaned into me as we walked towards my darling little sister's desired location. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder as we went and reveled at the thought of having family close by again. I had really missed that. "Esme thought you were angry with her."

"What? No! She can-"

"Shhh, Edward. I explained it to her. She told me to tell you that you should take your time. The last thing any of us wants to do is set you back."

"Thank you Alice."

"For what?"

"Just for being you." I told her as I playfully ruffled the short black hair on her head. She playfully ducked away and memories of another time assaulted me but I willed them back. I was determined not to ruin everything with memories of a time that never really happened.

"Here we are!"

I looked up and then over to my sister, arching an eyebrow and smirking. Today's lesson learned.

We were standing in front of a Borders store that had a Seattle's Best coffee shop attached to it. Seattle's Best was owned by Starbucks, but it was infinitely better. It had what Starbucks lacked and that's a little bit of charm and a lot less pretention. I saw the reason she brought me here right away. It was a different form of our Starbucks.

As we entered, I looked around at my surroundings. The bookstore attached was different than that of a Chapters, but still the same in a way. The colors were different, red and brown, but it still had all the same distinctions of the more popular chain.

The next thing I noticed was the chairs. There was a smattering of tables with regular café style seats, but off to the side were large comfortable cushioned ones. They reminded me of her, but they were different. They didn't make me want to lose my shit.

I was aware that Alice was eyeing me warily, so I decided to make a move. I walked straight up to the counter and ordered our coffees. I looked over to my sister and winked, trying to convey that I could do this, that she had done the right thing here. To be honest, I was freaking out on the inside. So many different emotions were bubbling around in there, some of them completely retarded.

I felt like I was cheating, in a way. Cheating on everything. I was cheating on the coffee we drank, the chair we sat in, cheating on her and the coffee shop itself. I never thought I would feel deceitful toward coffee beans. I felt grief. Grief for what we'd shared and lost, something I had lived through and no one else had. If Isabella did in fact exist out there somewhere, she would never truly know how much she could be loved, and that fucking hurt. It was odd but I had this overwhelming feeling that if I never went back to that Starbucks, things would never be okay. I would never truly get over the emotional damage this shit had scarred me with.

Most importantly, I felt a weight slowly lifting off of me. I had accomplished something that I couldn't do. It wasn't the same place, by any means, but it was similar enough that I had the sensation of achieving something.

The barista handed over our coffees and I paid her... Handing Alice hers, I led her over towards a chair.

"You don't have to do that." She spoke quietly beside me looking nervous.

"I can do this Alice. It's not the same."

"Don't feel like you have to. I'm not forcing you to do anything that really scares you."

"You brought me here for a reason, and I think I got this."

I stood and I stared. The seconds stretched on and I felt as though someone else was whispering to me that I could do this. And by someone else I did not mean my irritatingly awesome little sister that stood stoically beside me ready to intervene at a moments notice. It was an ethereal being, detached, yet completely relevant here. In my mind it was her, and she was helping me along.

"I'm terrified that if I go back to Starbucks I will be devastated..." I told her with closed eyes and an open heart. "But, I'm pretty sure I need to completely rip my heart out if I ever plan to move on from this. Tell me I'm not fucking crazy, Alice. Tell me I'm not insane." I still stood in front of that chair facing it; eyes closed tight willing her to tell me I was normal. I needed to hear it. "Tell me that what I'm about to do here wont kill me, because I'm pretty sure it will."

"Edward, you are the farthest thing from insane," she said with a hand on my shoulder. "Do you understand me? We can turn around and walk out of here right now."

"No. I can do this…I need to do this."

I opened my eyes and looked down. It seemed harmless enough. I tried telling myself to man up, it was just a chair.

I turned and sat and then melted myself into the back of it. The chair felt wrong and it wasn't the right shape or size, but the sentiment was still there. For good measure, I discreetly shoved my hand down the side of the chair. Finding nothing, I chuckled to myself. Of course there was nothing there.

"You good?"

"I'm good, Alice. How about you go take a look around the bookstore. I know there have been some things you were wanting to pick up."

She nodded in understanding and leaned down to hug me.

"Call me if you need me, okay?"

Once Alice was gone, I pulled the notebook out of my messenger bag and began to write a letter I would never send.

_July 21_

_To My Pretty Girl,_

_Even though I know you will never read this, I need to write it._

_I miss you, everything about you. I'm finding it hard to go about life and not being able to figure out what is real and what isn't. _

_I want to tell you everyday how pretty you are and how glad I am that you're mine, but I can't. I want to wake up with you every morning and not have to wonder what you might be doing and know for myself how you're feeling. I want to quell any insecurities you might have about yourself and reassure you every moment that you are the most precious thing in my world. You still are even though you don't know it. How sad is that?_

_I want to tell you that I was going to ask you to marry me. I was going to get my mother's ring and get down on one knee and tell you that I refused to live another day without you. I never told anyone that, they only know that I loved you._

_People think I'm crazy, Bella, and I kind of do as well. They tell me I'm not, but I can see it in their eyes as they wonder what the accident did to my brain._

_I want to know if you are out there somewhere and if you actually do have a Jasper and a Rosalie at your side. I need to see the cute little faces you make and I want to try new things with you._

_You turned my world upside down without even being there to do it. I wish you knew the effect you had on me. It was hard to be near you without touching you, and it was even harder when I saw you cry... I hated seeing you cry. I would spend entire days just trying to make you laugh._

_I know I might be batshit nuts and crazier than a shithouse rat, Bella, but there is one thing I know for sure._

_I love you. Nothing can change that._

_I'm trying to move on, but I promise I won't ever forget about you. You told me once that I wouldn't ever have to let you go and you lied. I can't find it in myself to be angry at you, though. That would make me even more unhinged. Being angry at a mirage can't be good on one's psyche._

_Promise me that you are okay and you sleep well enough without me. You always said that the best sleep of your life happened when you were in my bed curled into my side. I'm sorry I can't give that to you now. Just remember that I'd give you the world if I could._

_Love Forever and Always,_

_Your Edward_

I tore the letter out of my notebook and folded it up stuffing it into my pocket. Pulling my phone out of the same pocket, I sent Alice a quick text.

_I need you._

I scrubbed my face with my hands and then let my head rest on my clasped hands in front of my face. I wanted to tear out my hair and scream. Everything felt like it was one step forward and ninety seven back. This shit had to stop.

"Edward, what's wrong?"

Damn she was quick. I looked up at her and sighed.

"I need you to come to Starbucks with me."

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** How many of you despise my cliffhangers? Just a question Im truly intrigued about! LOL


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile. She made a SECOND one! It's on my authors blog!

This chapter was beta'd and edited by the very lovely sweetishbuble (PTB). Be advised, any mistakes you find are due to my fuckery AFTER the editing process, not her. Love her. You better too.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

**IMPORTANT:** This is another one of those chapters where it really helps if you hear the song.

**Possible Tissue Warning**

* * *

**You're tearing me apart Crushing me inside**  
**You used to lift me up Now you get me down**

**If I Walk away from you**  
**And leave my love**  
**Could I laugh again ?**  
**Again, again...**

**Without your love**  
**You're tearing me apart**  
**With you close by**  
**You're crushing me inside**  
**Without your love**  
**You're tearing me apart**  
**Without your love**  
**I'm dowsed in madness**  
**Can't lose the sadness**  
**I can't lose the sadness**

**Archive-Again**

* * *

"You don't have to do this you know."

Alice and I had been standing outside the Starbucks for well over half an hour now, and I showed no signs of moving forward. I kept telling myself that I could do this, but it was getting harder and harder to take action.

"I can do this, Alice." I told her through gritted teeth.

The anger within started to flare again, but I knew this time that it was directed at myself. At some point I had to man up and stop being such a baby about this whole situation. No one would want a sulky Cullen now would they?

"I'll be with you the whole time," she told me again just as she had five other times before.

I nodded once, resolutely and then grabbed her hand pulling the door open in front of us. I could do this. I could totally do this.

"I can't do this," I said and surprised the shit out of Alice with the yank on her arm when she hadn't noticed I'd stopped.

There we stood, just inside the door probably looking like a couple of tools. I couldn't even move. Everything around me overwhelmed me to the point of distraction. Right beside me was the newspaper stand that Jasper had re-arranged to his liking. There, at the counter was the same rack of CDs I had noted in my dream state. The sofa sat along the side, empty and lonely and then my eyes settled on it.

That mother fucking chair.

I wanted to scream at it, tell it to stop mocking me. Light it on fire so that no one else could sit on it. Ever. I wanted to rip it apart and scour every inch of it for pieces of paper that might have been left there, but most of all I just wanted to cry.

"You don't have to-"

"I can't do this…It isn't right. None of this is fucking right. Make me go over there and see, Alice. PUSH ME, ALICE! Make me see that there's nothing there so I can live my fucking life."

People were staring at this point and had been for awhile, I was guessing, but that meant nothing. I saw Alice on the phone and assumed she was on the phone to Carlisle. What the fuck could he do from three hours away…what could he do if he was right in front of me even?

"Edward, you need to calm down." She said as she grabbed my arm and gently tried to move me off to the side, but my feet were rooted to the spot. "I knew this was a bad idea." She said under her breath. "Edward lets go sit. Come over he-"

"_No_! You want me to SIT in here? What…do you want me to sit in that goddamn fucking chair? _Fine! Watch me!"_

I was well aware that at this point I had lost my fucking mind. Gone were the brief moments of sanity I had ever held near and dear to me, but I couldn't make myself stop as I stalked over to the evil spawn. By that I mean the chair, definitely not my sister.

"_Is this what you want?_" I yelled as I sat my ass down. "_Is it?"_

Rage was coursing through me and I knew there was no way to stop it.

"Edward calm down. You'll get past this all. I promise…" My sisters teary voice spoke from somewhere near me. I couldn't focus on anything happening around me. I was stuck in this anger bubble in my head and it needed out in the worst way.

"Get past this?" I laughed bitterly. "Alice I CAN'T get past this. I'm not even so sure that I WANT to get past this. Did you know that you loved her too? You did, so much. And she introduced you to the love of your life. And she loved you, too. We were her family Alice. She didn't have any left. She had her best friend and his sister. That's what she had before us."

Alice came and knelt down in front of me and grabbed both of my hands in hers.

"Edward, we're here for you okay? Carlisle and Esme are on their way."

"Carlisle told me not to let this one slip away. He was convinced that she was the one I'd been waiting for. He was right. I was going to ask her to marry me, Alice. I mean thank God I woke up when I did, because if we'd been married and had little Bella's running around or something, I don't even know…

"She never really had any girlfriends, Alice and you became her best friend. I feel like I took you all away from each other too when I woke up. I feel like I fucked everything up by coming back. Don't you get it? And this chair. Alice this fucking chair."

I dropped my head to my hands and shook it slowly from side to side.

"I've never been here before, not in real life, but I know this store and this chair like the back of my hand. And this chair…it was my lifeline."

I knew I had to do it, so I shoved my hands down in on either side hoping to come up with something…anything.

Nothing.

Fuck.

Fuck my life.

Fuck this stupid coffee shop.

Fuck everything.

"We should go Edward. People are staring."

"You think I give a shit if people stare at me, Alice? Go if you want, but I need to do this."

I gripped at my hair and shut my eyes tight standing abruptly from the hateful chair. I turned around to stare at it once again. It just sat there. It was being all 'Oh hey, I'm just a chair, why do you feel the need to hate on me, asshole?' and I lost it again.

I flipped it over onto its backside, splintering it in spots and sending pieces flying everywhere. For good measure I kicked the shit out of it a couple times. I was a man possessed. I needed to place blame somewhere and that chair seemed as good a place as any.

"_Why?_ Someone tell me why the fuck things like this happen to people. It must be karma, right?" I was shouting to the crowd of random coffee goers who had assembled, mouths hanging agape watching my display. I went up to one loving couple in particular. They made me want to spit. "Imagine," I said to the man. "Imagine that you woke up tomorrow to find that the time you spent with this lovely lady here wasn't even fucking real. Imagine that. Tell me. How would you take it?"

I was well aware that I'd gone completely round the bend this time. But couldn't make it stop.

"How long have you two been together, hmm?"

"Si-six months," he stammered, nervous by my singling him out, I was sure.

I laughed bitterly. Six months. How ironic.

"Long enough to fall in love and know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?"

They looked stunned, and I couldn't shut my big mouth.

"Think about your answer now. I know. It's damn well possible. So if you don't know or if you aren't sure…think about what I'm saying now."

I moved on from him without waiting for an answer to a man sitting alone at a table with a newspaper and a coffee.

"You. You look like you could use a little love. Think you'll find it here? Be careful what you wish for."

I felt a hand on my shoulder and whacked it away. I didn't want to deal with them just yet.

"No!" I screamed behind me without looking. "Just let me get it out!"

I was frustrated and the thoughts were swimming around in my mind without any semblance of organizations.

"It's like, I remember things that happened, and we do things…and I can't separate the difference. I want to bring up the time that Alice picked 'The Sound of Music' and Emmett chased Rosalie around his living room for the remote control. Or the time that Bella and I went out with you and Jasper, Alice…the time that he asked you to move in with him and you squealed. You squealed, Alice. I'd never seen you happier.

"Or about the time that she said she loved me and my entire world was good. Everything was perfect in that very moment."

I dropped my head in sadness and took a moment to remember everything…sift through the compartments of my mind trying to come up with the things that were the truth. Looking up I was met with three sets of sad eyes and a slough of terrified ones. My eyes squinted in anger because they would never understand the way I was being torn apart from the inside out by this.

Carlisle and Esme were here. She had called them and they'd come to rescue me. That made me feel like a pile of shit. I had ignored them for so long, and here they were coming to my aid with genuine concern. I shook my head before taking another kick at the chair before collapsing down on the floor. Within seconds I felt Carlisle's hands on me, trying to help me in whatever way he could.

"Edward, I'm taking you to the hospital."

"You don't understand, Carlisle," I tried to say, but it came out slurred. "You were going to give me the ring and everything."

"Alright, let's go son."

That's the last thing I remembered before succumbing to the darkness.

* * *

"You're beautiful, you know. Precious little thing," I sang tunelessly to my pretty girl.

She looked so perfect at the moment, out in a meadow, sun shining on her, and her hair blowing around us. I liked to write cute little songs about her in my head and sing them to her. It made her blush every time.

"Marry me."

"Mmmmm…no."

I chuckled. It was the same answer every time. She had her reasons, and I didn't truly think it was because she didn't want to. I think she was more scared to than anything.

"Ya, do it. Come on, it'll be fun. Jasper can even be your Maid of Honor."

That got a little laugh out of her as I kissed her sweetly on the mouth and ran a hand through her hair.

"Marry me."

"You're pushy."

"You love me."

"I do…love you." She said and then giggled. She knew the first part of her sentence would get to me. I couldn't wait to hear those words come out of her mouth.

"I do…too. See, was that so hard?" I teased.

"No. Kiss me again," she demanded.

So I kissed her again.

* * *

"The damages are going to come out of our pockets, but that's fine. And the Starbucks isn't going to press any charges. I explained the situation to them, and they seemed to take pity."

"He needs help, Carlisle. He can't do this on his own. I think there's entirely too much for him to deal with that he can't even get out of his head properly. He was going to marry that girl. Did you have any luck finding her?." My aunt asked.

Carlisle sighed deeply and then I felt someone grab my hand. I winced internally realizing that it was all a dream again. It was a good dream too.

"Not her, precisely. She does exist, so that's a good sign. Her parents were killed in a car crash, but I can't find anything past that. She lived in Forks. I didn't even know that Chief Swan had a daughter."

"Neither did I." Esme said.

Mmmm, they were talking about Bella. My pretty Bella. I missed her.

"Well, if he's meant to find her he will. I think that right now we need to get him through this. I'm not sure how much more I can take."

I faintly heard a knock at the door and it squeaked open.

"Come on in, kids. He's doing okay. They doped him up pretty good, so he's still out."

So that's why I felt so happy. I was wondering what I was on and why I wasn't sharing.

"Hey big brother," I heard Alice say tearfully. "I'm sorry I pushed you. I'll never do it again I pro-"

She broke down in tears before she could even finish her sentence and that broke my heart. Alice didn't cry. Alice was happy. She was where I went when I needed a little happy in my life. She shouldn't cry. I felt myself frown, but couldn't do much else. Everything felt a little heavy, but at least I was coherent enough to hear what was going on around me.

"Come here, Al. He'll be okay. None of this is your fault. Stop trying to place the blame on yourself or anyone else. I think Edward would be upset if he knew you were doing that. Right Edward?" My frown was still in place because I really did feel bad. I had _yelled _at her. Belittled her in front of anonymous people. I was a jackass. "See look. He's frowning at you. So stop it."

"Edward we're all here for you. We know you can actually hear us this time, so I'm just letting you know were here for you. Don't push us away anymore, baby. We'll help you." Esme told me.

I smiled faintly before reality passed on me again.

* * *

"I really don't like the bookshelf here. Maybe we should move it over there."

I smiled at her as I pinched her on the cheek.

"You mean maybe_ I_ should move it over there," said with a chuckle. Not that I minded, I just liked to tease her.

"I can help you…maybe you should get Emmett or Jasper to help you," she said shrugging. She was small, and knew I didn't like her lifting heavy things.

"Mmmhmm," I said as I wrapped my arms around her and inhaling her scent. "Maybe we should just get Jasper to come and move all the furniture around. Nothing would be out of place and we wouldn't have to worry about anything being crooked."

She laughed. I was sweating from lugging boxes around so, pushing back for Bella for a moment, I lifted my shirt off my head and tossed it off to the side gracelessly.

"Want some water?" I asked her.

"N-no."

I started chugging the bottle I had and looked at her out of the corner of my eye wondering why she was not only stuttering but her eyes were wide as saucers.

"What's up, my love? You seem astonished."

"I am. I always forget about how perfect you are until I see it." She told me flustered.

I smiled at her bringing her back to me.

"Perfection is _your _middle name, Bella. Don't ever forget that."

* * *

That was a good dream. Another really good dream. God I wished it could be real. I opened my eyes to see Carlisle resting on a chair with Esme sat on his lap, his arms around her, and Alice sitting in another chair next to my hospital bed. Of course I was in the hospital again. Why not?

"Hey, Alice," I said quietly hoping not to wake the others.

She looked up surprise and excitement written all over her face, before she remembered why we were here and her face fell.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," I told her lifting her face to meet my eyes. "You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I was awful to you." I thought back to the events that had transpired and grimaced. "I'm also sorry that I embarrassed you in front of all those people…and was a dick to them too."

"It's okay. I mean, no one wants to press charges, and after you left people were very sympathetic." she chuckled and then messed up my hair. "The couple you were getting at even got engaged, right there in the Starbucks."

I looked at her in shock. How the hell had I done something good out of all of this?

"Yeah, as soon as things died down and I was talking to the management, he proposed. He got down on his knee, told her that there was no way he could go on if he woke up tomorrow if she didn't exist and that was that!"

"Well, that's…strange. Good, but strange. I'm sorry I yelled at _you_ though, Al. That was unacceptable. I shouldn't have done that. I wasn't in my right mind then. Can you forgive me?"

It was her turn to look shocked as she scowled at me.

"There's nothing to forgive, Big Brother. Can I ask you a question though?"

"Of course you can. Anything."

"What was Jasper like?"

I laughed loudly that time before remembering my sleeping relatives across the room. I missed Jasper, as fucked up as he was. I clutched Alice's hand and hugged her head to my chest.

"Jasper was like no one I have ever met. And boy did he love you. I'm not sure I'll ever understand how it worked." She quirked a confused eyebrow at me. "Well, you see, little sis. Jasper was extremely OCD. Our dear brother even called him OCDsper. And you…well you just…you aren't."

We both laughed and I heard the stirring of my aunt and uncle waking up.

"Did he love her too?" she asked me with sadness in her eyes.

"He did. He was her best friend…her only friend really until we came along. But then he met you and he knew she had me, so he let me into first place." I smiled remembering that conversation about our places. "And then he said," I whispered as I wiped a tear from Alice's right eye and she smiled weakly at me. "That you," I tapped her on the nose to emphasize my point. "Could be number two because he loved you so much. That left him at number three, but he still didn't love her any less."

"Is that my nephew I hear awake and talking?"

Alice leaned back in the chair and rubbed at her eyes. I still felt bad for taking it away from her, but now I realized there was nothing I could do and that no blame could be laid on me. I decided the best approach would just be to answer any questions anyone had. Not only would they learn more about my other 'life', but it would also do a fair bit of good to get it off my chest.

"It's me. I'm up. And I'm sorry I dragged everyone here again."

"Oh sweetie. Stop it," Esme said as she leaned down to hug me.

"I'm sorry I was avoiding you…" I whispered in her ear and she gave me a smile and waved it off. It was no longer an issue was what she was telling me with that.

"Carlisle. Were you nice to the nurses this time?" I asked him sternly and he shifted his eyes around indicating he really hadn't. "Aw, give them a break. Not everyone can be Carlisle Cullen, old man," I joked with him and he smiled. "Where's Emmett?"

"Emmett went to get some drinks for us all. Should be back any minute now." I nodded.

There was something I needed to do. If I was going to get all my demons out in the open, I needed to get them _all _out. That included the one person I could lay blame on.

"I've decided that I would like to talk to Tanya."

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** Please don't hurt me Heart you all!


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Have you checked out the video for FIY yet? Daretobreath made it for me and I fear that it is far better than the story itself. Link is on the profile. She made a SECOND one! It's on my authors blog!

This chapter is not yet edited. Wil replace with the edited version ASAP!

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

**IMPORTANT:** **TURNING POINT! TURNING POINT!**

* * *

**Look what you started,**

**I seem to be coming out of my skin**

**Look what you've forgotten here**

**The bandages just don't keep me in**

**And when it was over, I woke up alone**

**And here's where we died that time last year,**

**And here's where the angels and devils meet.**

**And you can dance with the queen if you need,**

**And she will always keep your cards**

**Close to her heart oooh**

**So close to her heart before they tear you apart**

**American Slang – Gaslight Anthem**

* * *

**August 2**

I finally found myself sitting in a dingy diner in the middle of downtown waiting for Tanya to arrive. It had been quite the ordeal to try and find her and make contact with her. Not an easy woman to get in touch with at all. But really, what had been easy in my life since I'd woken up and quite frankly, wasn't she the cause of this entire mess?

The shrink, who I had renamed Head Peeper McGee, by the way, told me it wasn't necessarily a bad idea meeting with Tanya, but that I should be careful. Perhaps have someone close by. I took his advice, and so Emmett sat in a booth on the other side of the diner…just in case. Not that I thought anything would happen, but 'apparently' I wasn't 'stable in the mind' yet.

Alright. I had to agree. I was probably the farthest thing from stable.

I still had dreams, and every time I dreamt, it was of her. Not of the bitch with the cold eyes, but of _her. _Of Bella. They were always new things; I never dreamed the same thing twice. Every time I closed my eyes, there she was.

* * *

"_Hey, Bella? Let's go for coffee, babe."_

"_Okay, let me get my coat," she told me, disappearing after a quick kiss to my cheek._

_I checked in my pocket to make sure I had it. It was there. I knew exactly what I was doing. Pulling it off would be the scary part._

"_Okay. Let's go. I want to stop off at that one store on the way home, the one that I saw the jacket in the window of the other day."_

"_Sure baby," I already bought that jacket for her. The other day we'd been out wandering around and she gushed over it in a window of a thrift store. It was all patchwork and seventies, right out of 'Almost Famous' ala Kate Hudson. My pretty girl was in love with it, so naturally, I went back to buy it on my lunch break the next day._

_I was fairly certain that the coat would be the last thing on her mind after I was through with her today anyways._

_We were living downtown now, so much closer to everything, so we made our way out into the mild Seattle day with my arm wrapped around her. She snuggled into 'The Bella Spot' and we made our way to the Starbucks, happy and in love._

_The tinkle above the door announced our entrance and I told her to go sit in our chair as I was going to get the drinks._

"_Why is there a letter there?" she asked me._

"_I'm not telling. Go sit!" I told her and chuckled as she blushed when I smacked her little bum playfully._

_I watched as she went and sat in the chair and tried to slyly check the sides of the chair. She came up with a piece of paper, and glanced at me. I winked at her and held up a finger motioning for her to wait for me._

"_Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you today?" the barista asked me._

_I looked away from Bella and into her eyes…for once they weren't those eyes._

"_Ya…look; I called earlier asking for a couple of favors. Is the manager around?" Her eyes lit up as she took off to find her manager. It would seem that they all knew what was in store for me and my beautiful Bella today._

"_Edward is it?" A woman in her mid thirties asked me, presumably the manager._

"_Yes, we spoke on the phone earlier…" I gave her a meaningful look saying I didn't want to say too much, as the girl in question wasn't too far away. Looking over again, I noticed that she still hadn't opened it, thank God._

"_Everything is in place, and here are your two mocha lattes." She whispered._

_I thanked her for them and made my way back to the girl that I was about to make my fiancé._

* * *

I had many dreams about asking Bella to marry me. They were all different, and she always said no, but this one never finished. I never got to know the answer to my question.

I was brought out of my musings by an unwelcome hand on the shoulder.

"Edward? I'd know those eyes anywhere." The voice said sickly sweet. I looked up and almost cried out.

Tanya.

I had no idea how to react to her, or what I even wanted to say. I simultaneously wanted to thank her for the time I had, and fucking rip her throat out for causing this mess. I needed to make her eyes stop haunting me. I needed to know if she was the voice I'd heard before I lost consciousness, even though everyone had told me that she didn't even exit her vehicle until the police had arrived.

I'd begun remembering more of that day. More sounds, more touches. Still the only vision I had were her eyes and it made me sick. I remembered something that haunted me to a completely different extreme.

* * *

_I could feel hands touching me everywhere._

_People yelling to keep me still, not to touch or move me._

_I could hear sirens in the distance._

_I felt an almost familiar caress of my face and then a voice close to my ear._

"_Stay strong. You can do this. Help is on its way."_

* * *

The voice was something I knew, but I couldn't place it for the life of me.

I now knew that it didn't belong to Tanya.

"Ms. Denali," I said as I rose to shake her hand. She extended her own and greedily took mine in, like a piranhas smelling blood. I pulled away quickly and motioned to the seat across from mine, hoping to put some distance between us.

"Please, call me Tanya,"

"Okay then, Tanya," I decided to be civil and grant her that one thing.

"So what is it you'd like to talk about? I must say, I'm surprised you tried to contact me at all."

I'm pretty sure my eyes bugged out of my head. This chick was really wondering _what_ I wanted to talk about?

"I want to know what caused the accident. What caused my life to be turned upside down. Nothing big, really." I already knew the answer from the police, but I wanted to hear it from the horses' mouth.

I tried focusing on any other part of her, anything, but all I saw were her emotionless eyes. She didn't even care.

"The uhhhh, the sun was in my eyes,"

Lies.

"You were just all of a sudden there, and the brakes just didn't work fast enough,"

Stop lying.

"I'm really sorry. I was terrified. I got out to make sure you were alright right away,"

Too many lies.

I just stared at her in shock. Everything she had just told me was a bold faced lie. All of it. Okay, the terrified part might be right, but only because she'd been worried for her precious self.

"So you weren't texting,"

Silence.

"Or applying lip gloss?"

She looked away and bit on her lip, still silent.

"You're telling me, that you got out of your vehicle, came to check on me, to make sure I hadn't died or something?"

Silence.

"That's what I thought. Look," I could tell this meeting wasn't going to last long. I needed to get this over with and get the hell out. Coming close to losing it was mild. "You have ruined me. Do you understand that? I know the truth, you think I don't, but I do. I need you to get out of my life now. For good.

"Your cold ugly eyes were the last thing I saw and they're all I see now. Aside from the woman you made me fall in love with. The woman that is out there somewhere and I can't fucking find her. The woman that I don't even know if shell let me in in reality."

She looked at me in shock.

"I'm placing the blame on you, and I never want to see you again."

"B-but, I thought maybe you'd want to get together. I could do wonders for you," she whispered.

I froze and a chill went up my spine. I'd heard those words from her before. The same time she insinuated that Bella wasn't enough for me. She was actually hitting on me. Was this real life?

"Go fuck yourself," I told her with narrowed eyes. "Get the fuck out of my sight."

"I beg your pardon?" she said taken aback.

"I _said," _emphasizing the word because I knew she heard me loud and clear, "Go. Fuck. Yourself."

"That is completely uncalled for,"

"And hitting on me wasn't?" I yelled.

I noticed Emmett stand at the other side of the diner and I motioned for him to wait. I needed to finish this business.

"You can't finish what you started but you can sure as hell confuse the subject more, cant you?"

"I was just thinking, you know, we're both pretty fine looking specimens, and I mean, I'm willing to look past the fact that you're a bit of a head case since you're hot and the sex would probably be mind-blowing…"

What was mind blowing was how idiotic this girl was.

"Tanya," I said and she came a little closer expecting…what? I don't even know. "You don't even know how much you just made me want to hit a woman. And I vomited in my mouth a little just now…I hope you know."

With that, I laid a bill on the table for the drink I had before the bitch had arrived. We hadn't even been sat long enough for a server to come our way. I wasn't giving her the pleasure of a proper goodbye, or anything. I knew for a fact that if I ever saw her again, we would both regret it.

"Bro, what the fuck?" Emmett asked as he caught up with me on my way out the door.

I shook my head at him and laughed humorlessly.

"Let's just say, dreams can be pretty fucking telling things. Also, some people are just idiots. Brainless even," I told him.

"Ah well screw that. Wanna go out tonight?"

"Sure," I told him, and I actually meant it.

* * *

**August 12**

"How did your meeting with the woman go?"

I scratched the back of my head as I avoided eye contact with Head Peeper McGee. Dude was a little unnerving. Our meetings were farther apart now and this was the first time wed met up since my interesting little encounter with Ms. Denali.

"It went," I simply said.

"Hmmmm," he retorted with. I rolled my eyes.

"It was…not what I was expecting. Not at all. She uh, she lied to me and then proceeded to make a pass at me," I felt my cheeks heat up in anger and embarrassment.

The fucker laughed at me and I glared at him in question.

"It's just that, maybe it would help you to move on, to see what else is out there,"

This again. It was his mantra pretty much. Move on from Bella. Move on from what I knew to be a lie. Move on from what I loved, basically.

"I can't. She's out there somewhere." I reminded myself of that daily. I felt as though I was starting to forget things about her and it scared the ever loving fuck out of me. She was someone I didn't want to forget. Never.

"She may be, but I can guarantee you that she will now be the same. Neither will the others. Keep that in mind."

He wrote a few lines on his little clipboard and I rolled my eyes.

"I'll see what I can do," I muttered, but then hastily added, "just not with her" I told him, I'm sure a look of disgust on my face.

"Understandable. Just remember what I said, it might be helpful if you explored your horizons a little bit, saw what else was out there,"

He looked at the clock then as did I. Our time was up for another day and I couldn't be happier. Nothing made me feel crazier than a session with HPM. He even had something stuck in his teeth this time around and I felt reluctant to trust a dude with spinach stuck between his front teeth. It's the only thing I could look at.

"We're getting somewhere, Edward. Don't think you're taking any steps back, because you aren't. Any blackouts or panic attacks since the coffee shop ordeal?"

Why was he still talking?

"No…nothing since."

"That's good," he said as he regarded me with inquisitive eyes. "Have you been back there?"

"No. Look, isn't this session over?"

"It is, technically. But I can't help but ponder over something. You said that you two had dated the letters in your dreams?"

His question made me stop and look at him perplexed. I was intrigued now.

"Yes…" I said as I leaned closer to him.

"Do you remember the date you received the first letter?" He asked as he tapped his pen on his desk making me increasingly more and more nervous. I still wanted to pull the green thing out of his teeth, but I wanted more than anything to know what exactly he was getting at. "Maybe you should go there on that day; it might help you get past some things."

I had nothing to say to that. I didn't think I could do it. I nodded and stood, as he did and we shook hands as we always did.

"Think about it; let me know how it goes."

* * *

**August 23**

I couldn't get the stupid shrinks words out of my head. What would be so helpful about going there on the day in question? The day it all began. I mean, I knew that the dates were all skewed between my dream world and real life, but what good could come of it? Another breakdown? Totally what I needed.

"So here's what we have on one Isabella Swan," Carlisle said. "Everything I could find'"

I looked to him with rapt attention waiting for what he'd have to say.

"Her mother and step father were killed in a car accident on the highway, seems it was a truckers fault. Her father, we knew him as Chief Swan," he paused here and took a breath making me nervous. I already knew the family home was vacant, I'd checked it. "Gained custody of her at the age of twelve. It's so strange, how none of us even knew that he had a daughter, let alone that she was living here."

My mind was spinning a million miles a second. Chief Swan, I remembered being told, was killed in the line of duty seven years ago. I'd never been in school with her; none of the family knew her and didn't even know she existed. This shit did not compute.

"What about Jasper and Rosalie Hale?" I asked him.

"They are out of the country at the moment. Annual family getaway. No other information there. I'm not a private detective, son. This is all the information I could find on her. I'm sorry,"

"But you're saying she is somewhere out there, correct?"

"That is what I'm saying,"

"Then that's all I need to hear."

* * *

**August 31**

I stood at the entrance to Starbucks, petrified and full of fucking fear. I felt more at ease this time. I was more nervous that maybe they had banned me from ever entering again, and I'd never get the chance at closure.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the heavy door and made my way inside, pausing briefly in the entryway next to the newspaper rack. I glanced around. There was no Bella, there was no Jasper, and there was no Rosalie.

I could do this.

The chair sat there in all its glory. A little tattered, but mended. I was eternally grateful that they hadn't needed to buy a new one for that spot and 'The Chair' could be easily repaired.

I walked towards the cashier and upon witnessing the apprehensive look in her eyes, I remembered her from the day I flipped my shit and broke down. Giving her a cautious smile, trying to ease the tension, I approached and let the breath I'd been holding leave slowly through my nose and mouth, preparing myself.

"Is your manager in miss?" I asked her politely, and she took off without an answer. I felt bad, because I knew she was frightened of me. I had put on quite a show, what I could remember of it anyways. A lot of progress had been made since then, and here I stood, not even an inkling to lash out at all.

"Can I help you sir? Oh its you!" The woman exclaimed, almost excited to see me. That was an odd reaction.

I smiled ruefully at her and extended my hand which she willingly took. "I'd like to apologize and I was wondering if I had overstepped my boundaries by returning here?"

It suddenly felt odd that I hadn't told anyone I was coming here. Not Head Peeper McGee, not Alice, not even Carlisle or Esme. I needed some incentive to stay calm. The manager looked at me in confusion, so I decided to elaborate.

"What I mean is, did you ban my ass from here for the trouble I caused?"

She laughed along with me and then shook her head.

"Of course not, sir. We heard your story, and I just couldn't even imagine. It's why we couldn't part with that chair, young man. Just," she paused and looked around quickly, if you feel the need to lose it again, perhaps you should give us a little warning," she whispered to me. "That is unless it results in a few more engagements…"

"A few more?" I asked puzzled.

"Oh yes. We've had three fellows propose in this very store since that day. It's a beautiful thing to see, that love."

I shook my head in amazement. I was stunned.

"So what will it be? Just a visit? Or would you like something to drink as well?" She asked me. The barista seemed to relax at her side and I was glad. I hated making people feel nervous.

"I'll have a Moc-"

"Mocha Latte, of course. I'll have that right away for you!"

I paid the girl at the till and waited for my coffee in a daze. I was being revered in a way rather than being viewed with disdain and disgust, both of which I deserved. I shook my head and chuckled. Sometimes real life could be as fucked up as a dream.

"Here you go sir. And I mean it, you're welcome back anytime."

"Thank you," I told her and started slowly towards 'The Chair'. I was doing this, and I refused to let my overactive brain get in the way.

I stared down at it for only a moment before turning and sitting. It still felt the same. It was still the same chair. I paused to focus on my thoughts. They seemed to be staying in check and I couldn't figure out why. Where was this leading?

I settled back into the cushion and took a deep breath. Setting my coffee down on the table in front of me, I folded my hands in my lap as they itched to move to my sides.

What harm could it do? If there was nothing there, then I could try and move on. If there was…okay, I had no idea what I was going to do if there was something there.

Slowly digging my hands down either side, I felt nothing at first. Moving my hands towards the back with my eyes clenched shut and my breath halted, my left hand encountered resistance and my eyes shot open in shock.

No. Fucking. Way.

I pulled it out quickly staring at the haphazardly folded piece of paper in my hand not knowing what to do next. I looked around me and realized that no ones eyes were on me, I was pretty much invisible, and that was all I needed at this moment. Outwardly, I was fine. On the inside though, I was flipping the fuck out.

My head jolted up and looked outside, remembering, she had been there watching me the first time, the time in my dream. I scanned but I couldn't see her.

Shit.

I unfolded it, fold by fold until it was open before me and stared in shock as I read.

_Dear…Whoever happens upon this,_

_I don't know who you are, and I assume I never will. Actually I sort of hope we never meet as I'm about to whine away on this piece of lined paper for you to see._

_You likely have already stopped reading, but I just feel the need to tell somebody, anybody really, the things that eat away at me day after day. Perhaps that will satisfy my overactive brain for a few minutes so I can at least get a few minutes of much needed sleep. I don't sleep a lot these days. And it isn't just because of my crap life, but it's also because every time I close my eyes I dream of a green eyed boy with messy hair, but that's insignificant at this point._

_Now you're wondering why I don't tell my friends, my family, my significant other, or even my pet and leave you the hell alone, but that's just simply impossible._

_I'm painfully shy. Even if I did have all of those aforementioned relationships (which are few and far between in my case) I would die before bringing my insecurities and problems up to the forefront for them to do with as they please. This right here is problem number one. I'm shy, insecure and plain. That's how I would describe myself. Boring and plain. Plainly boring, if you will._

_I can't count on two hands (as there are far too many) the amount of missed opportunities that have breezed past me in my lifetime._

_I am your average, plain, boring twenty two year old college student, who has yet to go on a date, or even kiss a boy. I don't blame it all on my inability to initiate things. That would be the coward's way out. The rest of that blame goes to the fact that I am simply uninteresting, and I assume unattractive, as I've never had the words 'you're pretty' uttered to me. That's right. Never once. I heard it in a dream once. The green eyed boy called me his 'pretty girl'. I woke up crying because it was only a dream. And now I sound pathetic._

_I'd like to find love someday. I want to find that spark, that magnetic pull that suspends time and gravity. I do. It just doesn't seem to be in my cards._

_I wonder if you're still reading this. If you are, I apologize. You really don't have to._

_Are you in college? Because I am. It's so demanding and difficult. Even more so when you're damn near invisible. I hate to say that I envy people that have the ability to speak up, make themselves known, but I do. It doesn't matter what they say, it is definitely about whom you know not so much as WHAT you know. I've realized that when a professor is grading papers he or she will give more attention to names they know whether they are known for good or bad reasons. It's a subconscious thing. Therefore, the professor comes across my paper, sees a name that doesn't even register. He skims, gives it an average mark and moves on. This means that I have to work twice as hard as someone else, just to receive that slightly above average grade._

_Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything. Far from it I'm sure. It still sucks._

_Still reading? I know, I know. But to be fair, I did say I was going to whine. And life sucks. There's an awful lot to whine about. There's no way to sugar coat it, it just plain freaking sucks._

_I know all about heartache and the fact that a truck going down the wrong lane of a highway can change everything._

_Speaking of trucks, mine is a piece of shit. Honestly, some days it doesn't even run at all. Makes me feel so much better when that happens. Yeah, I just rolled my eyes as I wrote that._

_Sucky truck._

_When I was younger, I was anorexic. I'm not anymore…I don't think so anyways. I mean, I eat. Not hoards of food or anything, but I eat. And it isn't often that it comes back up. Actually, I think I'm lying. I may need some help for this…_

_It just occurred to me that I'm pretty much just randomly jotting stuff down here for you to read. No rhyme, no reason. That's how my life feels. My brain works a million miles a minute with no rhyme or reason. No reprieve either. That's kind of the point of this exercise. I'd be mortified if I was saying this out loud, or even if I had to watch you read it, right there in front of me._

_But the thing is, I need to sleep. I haven't slept a full night in so long that I just might die of shock if or when it actually happens. I just can't seem to turn my brain off long enough to get a decent REM cycle on the go._

_God, do those words even make sense?_

_Ever since the day I helped that boy that got hit by the car, he's all I can see. It's so stupid. He doesn't even know I exist._

_I do believe I've taken up more than enough of your time…that is if you didn't flounce five words in. I hope I haven't ruined your day…_

_Tell me if you happen to find my green eyed dream boy would you?_

_Sincerely, Me_

* * *

**I miss hearing your laughter and all the little things  
Forgotten what it's like to hold you  
'Cause where I am right now, so unforgiving  
It's numbing everything**

We're so close yet so far, it's tearing me apart  
What I would do to be there with you  
So close yet so far, it's tearing me apart  
What I would do to be back with you

So promise, no matter how long it takes for me  
To get back to you, you'll wait for me  
I promise, no matter how far away I go  
I'll come back for you, just wait and see

**So Close So Far – Hoobastank**

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**Chapter Notes: **Sooooooooo

OH! I've been om nom nom'd for the Single Shot awards! Best Romance for The Boy and The Muse. Go check out all the great fics there and voting has already started!

http:/thesingleshotawards(.)blogspot(.)com


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Links for everything for all of my stories are now on my updated profile! Videos for this and The Boy and The Muse. Also, I started a new story check it out. Broken Parts

This chapter is edited by TwittahMom/Kiva Johns Adkins

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

* * *

**The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could  
First kiss and the first time that I felt connected to anything  
The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I had ever learned  
The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love**

**And I don't know where to look  
My words just break and melt  
Please just save me from this darkness**

**Make This Go On Forever – Snow Patrol**

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"Well, fuck me."

There were no other words.

"This can't be real life," I whispered to myself.

I read, and then I read again, and then I read it three more times for good measure. This wasn't counting the five times I read it _before_ I regained my wits enough to swear about it.

I couldn't figure this out. Was I in the hospital again? Or was I merely sleeping and having another dream? What in the fuck…?

I pulled out my phone and shot off a quick text to Alice, my eyes never leaving the piece of paper in my lap. I was terrified that if I looked away from it, it would disappear, just like she had.

_I need you. Can you come to Starbucks?_

What I needed was confirmation that I hadn't lost it. I mean, I gathered I'd lost it long ago, but I, and everyone else around me, had spent so much time ingraining it in my head that everything concerning Bella was just a dream. It was a way for me to discern real life from dream life. How then, could this be reality?

My phone buzzed and I reluctantly tore my eyes away from the page reluctantly.

_Be right there. How much do we owe this time? Should I call Carlisle?_

I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

_Not like that. Just come. No Carlisle…yet._

She didn't respond after that and I was left to my thoughts which lulled me into in a near catatonic state. It was too much like the first letter I'd received in my dream…and that wasn't even the craziest part. That wasn't even close to the part that made my skin crawl.

She was there. The day I was run down, she was there…and she had helped me.

I was about ninety percent sure the voice I remembered was hers. I could hear Bella's voice in there now; it was just a variation of it. She _was_ there. She _had_ touched me. I hadn't imagined my contact with her. It _was_ real.

My mind was spinning a million miles a minute.

She dreamt about me. In my dreams, I had called her my 'pretty girl', causing her to cry. But was that even real? I mean, was I just like, making up the things I wanted to believe again?

Fuck. My . Life.

Whether that's 'Fuck my _fake_ life' or 'Fuck my _real_ life', I still wasn't sure.

I sat and I waited and I read. I looked out the window and back to the page. I looked around the coffee shop and back to the page, and then began the cycle all over again. Was she watching this time, as she had the last time?

The coffee sat on the table in front of me, forgotten and cold. I looked suspiciously over to the barista and wondered if she was real. Was the coffee real? Was _I_ fucking real?

This couldn't be good. I began questioning things. I watched as a man brought a cup to his lips and drank. He'd never once looked in my direction, which wasn't out of the ordinary but, given the circumstance, suddenly had me pondering my existence.

I sat and I waited and I read. I looked out the window and back to the page. I looked around the coffee shop, and then began the cycle again.

Alice. Where the fuck was Alice?

I scrubbed my face with my hands and up through my hair. I wanted nothing more than to just believe that this was real, but then another thought occurred to me.

How was I certain that what had happened before wasn't real, and _this_ life, right here, was the non-realistic one? Both of them were fucked up beyond repair. Both were unrealistic to me at this point. What the fuck _was_ the real one? What if I had actually gone into a coma after the accident with Bella, and she was somewhere beside me, talking to me, and this letter was me hearing her? That didn't make any sense. She wouldn't have told me all of that again.

Or what if I was just remembering what I knew? And in this alternate life, I didn't have a Bella yet? And I would have to find her all over again? But when I woke up, she would just be there, all beautiful and mine.

Right.

So where the fuck was I? Yes. I was waiting for Alice. Waiting. Reading. Window. Reading. Patrons. Reading.

The bell above the door jingled and I whipped my head in that direction, grateful to see Alice standing there. What caught me off guard though, was what I thought I saw behind her. I couldn't stop looking.

Alice made her way over to my chair and stood in front of me, forcing me to crane my neck to see around her rather than actually acknowledging her existence. I heard her huff and knew she had noticed.

"Some people need to be taught that color belongs in every wardrobe. Blacks and browns are not becoming," she said.

"Blacks and browns are just fine on her. Shut your trap," I muttered.

Wait.

I finally looked up at my sister and I noticed she was looking out the window behind her, at the very same thing I was focusing on the entire time.

"You can…?" I nearly gasped. "Alice, can you see her?"

"Of course I can see her," she said sarcastically. It's kind of difficult to not see all those neutral colors, no matter how small the package is that they come in. Why, Edward? What's goi…"

I didn't wait to hear the rest of what she had to say. I was up out of my chair, and past the newspaper stand quicker than anyone could see, I imagined. I made it through the door, without yanking the fucking jingly bells from their hiding spot, even though I really, really wanted to. Those things were fucking annoying.

I looked around, and came up with nothing. She was _just_ there. Alice saw her too. I wasn't crazy.

I repeated that to myself as I looked left ,then right before breaking into a run when I noticed the brunette girl running down the sidewalk. She took an abrupt turn. By the time I made it to the corner she was lost.

So. Fucking. Close.

She was right there. It was her. There was no mistaking that. I could tell just from her eyes. I let her get away when she was so close.

I stood on that corner with my hands on my knees, panting, trying to catch my breath for I don't even know how long, before Alice came up behind me and started rubbing my shoulder.

"Was that her?"

I could only manage to nod as I stood up. I slapped my thighs with both hands and shook my head in an effort to shake off the effects of my sprint. I finally turned to her and she was looking at me sadly.

"This is a good thing, Edward. I can feel it. This means she's definitely out there. She may not know it's you, but that's fine. Give her some time."

"She knows it's me," I whispered. "She was there that day, Alice." Her eyes bugged out of her head as I led her back to the coffee shop where all of our stuff had been left strewn about.

"Bella's letter!" I exclaimed as I ran. No. It couldn't be gone. It had to be there. I dragged an exasperated and confused Alice along behind me as we rand back to the coffee shop, making the fucking jingly thing jingle…again. I swear I was going to dismantle that one day.

"Thank fuck," I yelled out, causing everyone to look at me in shock. I gave the barista and the manager a sheepish expression as I remembered promising that I would at least keep my hysterics on the down low.

"Okay, Edward. Please explain to me what the fuck is going on. I think you're giving me honest-to-God whiplash here. I can't take it anymore."

I thrust the letter in her face and told her to read it as I sunk back down into the chair, nervously bouncing my leg up and down. I tugged at chunks of my hair and twisted my hands together nervously, hoping against hope that she would read the same words that I did and not say something like,'What's so great about someone's shopping list, you idiot?'.

"Jesus…" she whispered.

"Jesus what, Alice? Tell me what you see there." She was driving me nuts. It was a whole other minute before she said anything and I knew this because I was counting.

"Edward. She was there."

Oh thank kiddie Christ that makes pancakes for breakfast.

"You have to find her," she breathed out.

"Yeah, no shit Alice," I said, rolling my eyes at her.

"So what did you need me here for?" she asked, cocking her head to the side.

This was the part I was dreading. I didn't want to admit these insecurities to anyone, especially not Alice. I sighed and brought my chin down to my chest.

"I needed to know I wasn't crazy," I mumbled out.

She cupped her hand around her ear and, again, I rolled my eyes at her. She was going to make me say it. Sometimes I really did dislike her.

"I needed validation…" I said, dragging the word out. "that I'm not a fucking nutcase. Okay? There, I said it. I couldn't tell if this was reality or not."

I actually felt ashamed of this information. I needed to be set up in a loony bin with the padding and everything.

"Edward, it's okay you know. You're doing as well as can be expected. We're all here for you."

I stood up in a rage that came out of nowhere and looked her straight in the eye.

"See, you can't say shit like that to me. That's what I was hearing you guys say when I wasn't exactly here. It makes me question everything,"

Alice looked to the floor in shame and I instantly regretted everything I'd said.

"I'm sorry, Edward."

"No, don't be sorry. I was an asshole…again."

There was a moment of awkward silence then, as we both felt like we had screwed something up, both of us knowing full well it wasn't either of our faults.

"I think I'm just going to leave her a letter and then go home for the day. I need some rest," I told her, giving her a hug.

"You don't need me to stay, do you?"

I shook my head at her and she nodded, seemingly understanding that I needed to be alone to do this.

"Call me later, okay?"

"I will. And thanks again, Al…for everything."

"No thanks needed! Just find her so I can have my best friend and the love of my life back," she said, winking at me as she turned to leave.

I chuckled and then sat back down in the chair and pulled out the notebook, the very same way as I did the first time. I fought the urge to look outside knowing that she had already been there and already seen me. No need to torture myself any further.

_August 31, 2008_

_Dear Noticed by Someone,_

_You're wrong, you know. You do know me, you just don't know it yet….or perhaps you do. You're letter indicates that you have been having problems sleeping due to visions of a person. I have the same problem you know. She's brunette and has these pretty brown eyes that express so much. They tell me everything she's feeling. She's a tiny little thing, smaller than my sister, but I think that we can work on that. _

_In my dreams, I fall in love with this girl and we help each other through everything. I bring her flowers and hold her arm when she trips. I whisper things in her ear like how gorgeous she is and I stand up for her when she can't do it for herself. We cuddle together at night and we become each others everything._

_I make her stop driving her sucky truck because I'm terrified that something will happen to her if she drives it, and I introduce her to some great new friends. We become a family, and she always rejects my proposals, but I'm okay with it because I know that one day she says yes. I haven't finished that dream yet._

_This girl in my dreams is sweet and loving and adorable. She would never hurt a fly…never. One thing she does that drives me insane is that she keeps things to herself. Important things. But you don't. You told me that you needed help with something, and that's far more than your dream self did at this point in the game._

_The girl in question is one Isabella Swan. Please tell me you are her. I need to know if it was you and if I might one day get to keep you in real life. I don't care that things might be different; I just know in my heart that all of this happened for a reason._

_Even thought I've woken up now, that 'Isabella Vein' in my heart keeps pumping hard. Harder than anything else in my body. I don't need you to love me; not yet. I just need you in my life in whatever way I can. Be my friend its all I ask. I promise not to disappoint you._

_Please Call me…or text me even. Whatever is easiest for you. I know you might be nervous and I probably just scared the shit out of you, but I'll tell you something that I've told you a million times before, even if you didn't know it._

_Don't be scared, pretty girl. I'm that guy._

_555-2467_

_Eamc1901 … That's my hotmail. Maybe even easier for you._

_Forever, Edward._

_(P.S. I just realized how stalkerish this will sound to you, but I promise that the first second we have together, if you'll even allow it, I will explain everything. Also, thought you might like to know that the Green eyed boy you helped that day is grateful to you for my lack of deadness.)_

I had numerous second thoughts about leaving this letter - Not because I was scared of who would find it. I was more afraid that she would call the cops or something. That was precisely what I didn't need. I decided to just leave the damn thing.

My phone buzzed with a call as I was folding it, so I answered, cradling it between my ear and shoulder.

"What's up, Em?"

"Dude, are you at that coffee shop?"

What? Was I a fucking mind reader in my subconscious? This was all a little too weird for me. I chuckled before answering him.

"Shut up, Em."

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**Chapter Notes:** Don't forget to vote in the Single Shot Awards!


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer:**I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Links for everything for all of my stories are now on my updated profile! Videos for this and The Boy and The Muse. Also, I started a new story check it out. Broken Parts

This chapter is edited by CullenSistah

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

**(More Below)**

* * *

**With your hand on my shoulders, a meaningless movement... a movie script ending,**  
**And the patrons are leaving, I awoke I was on**  
**The onset of a later stage... the headlights are beacons on the highway.**

**Now we all know the words were true in the sappiest songs (yes, yes).**  
**I'll put them to bed, but they won't sleep, they're just shuffling the sheets, they toss and turn,**  
**(you can't begin to get it back).**

**Passing through unconscious states.**

**A Movie Script Ending – Deathcab For Cutie**

* * *

I decided that if I was planning on having a chance with Bella after the outlandish letter I left her, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to wait around. Likewise, I had an inkling that if she saw me sitting in there she wouldn't make it even as far as the front door. I gave myself a week. One week, then I would go and check to see if it was at least taken.

Three days after the event that pretty much changed everything; I made the trek home to Forks to have a visit with the family. The whole family. I needed to make shit right with them before I went any further. I hadn't made a lot of headway with Esme, I just felt so bad that it hurt even more to talk to her. All she wanted to do was help, and I shit all over her garden like a little asshole. Maybe that would have been alright behavior for a twelve year old, but not a twenty-four year old man with a job and a life of his own.

When I arrived, I knocked on the door. Normally I would have walked right in, but at this point I wasn't even sure if I was welcome to do so anymore. I heard my aunt wonder who could be knocking as they weren't expecting anyone other than the kids and I hung my head and chuckled.

"Edward! What are you doing knocking?" I heard as the door opened and I sheepishly looked up at her, too scared to lift my head expecting to see only anger on her face. Instead what I saw was concern and confusion. "Sweetie, you can just come in here anytime, you know that right?" She shook her head and laughed as she held the door open for me and pulled me over for the requisite hug. I leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek and wrapped my arms around her in apology.

"I didn't feel right about it. You know, just walking into a stranger's home," I grinned at her and she swatted my arm. "Seriously, I feel awful about all of this."

"Oh hush, Edward. Things were hard, I get it. We get it. Carlisle sure missed you something fierce," she told me as she dragged me in to the living room. "Sit, I have tea on the stove."

It all felt so familiar to me. The living room, the visit. Being here before my siblings. Too much of it was déjà vu. I looked at my aunt hesitantly as I slyly took my phone out and turned the ringer up, just in case. I was going to be prepared this time no matter what. I'd hop on a plan to fucking France if she asked me to at this point.

Esme said she understood, but I don't think she ever really got how hard it was. No one understood, apart from Alice…and Head Peeper McGee. They were the only ones I told my secrets to lately. It wasn't that I didn't trust other people; I just didn't want the looks and the questions. I mean, what a conversation starter, right? 'Hey, yeah, I'm totally talking to you but I have no fucking clue whether I'm dreaming or if this is real life.' Definitely the way to go. No one would question your sanity then. I dare you. Go out and start a conversation like that and tell me exactly how it goes. HPG gets paid a lot of money to listen to my crazy and Alice just…well, she's ten kinds of crazy herself, plus she thinks she can see the future. Enough said.

"Hola Muchachos!" Emmett yelled through the house as I heard him taking his shoes off in the entry way and making his way to where I was sitting. "Oh, who invited the straggler? I'm sorry sir, do I know you?" he said as he saw me and his eyes nearly fell out of his head. His smile was big though, so that made it alright. As long as he was happy. It was infectious and I laughed along with him as he brought his fist out for a pound before whipping me into a headlock which brought me down to my knees in front of the sofa begging for mercy.

"Emme- ow what the fuck dude?" I yelled. Dude was strong, that was for sure. I'd have to check out my steroid theories at some point.

"Say uncle. Do it. Say it asshole"

"Uncle!" I choked out and he let me drop to the ground. "Douche," I muttered under my breath.

We were both laughing and my big brother was pulling me off the floor when we were assaulted by a very tiny and very hyper Alice.

"Group hug!" She yelled out and I shook my head at our antics. Jesus had I ever missed this.

"Did I hear my name?" Carlisle joked as he and my aunt returned from the kitchen with tea and all the fixings for it. We sat down and Alice immediately curled up to my side as I brought my arm around her. She really was the best sister anybody could have.

"How are things at the book store Edward?"

I blew out a breath. Apparently we were just going to pretend I didn't ignore them all for months on end and get right down to the boring stuff. Perfect.

"Works been…well, It's been busy. It's faring well though. For a small store, it's getting relatively good business. I've been opting for some time off and letting Angela and Ben take the reins. They don't need me hanging around day in and out. Who wants their owner at their place of work everyday, you know?" I chuckled, trying to make a joke, but too many things were so uneasy for me at the moment.

I couldn't help but feel so many similarities to another time. One that didn't really happen. Things were the same, but different. For instance, we'd made it to Em and Alice showing up without me getting a text and that was a good sign. My phone sat in my lap, just in case she needed me. I mean, I wanted a text, just not of that kind.

The other thing weighing on my mind was how bad I actually felt about leaving all the work to Angela and Ben. I just found it way too hard to be there. I'd space out; they'd pick up on it and tell me to go home for the day. Said I looked like I could use a rest. I was being a bad boss and a bad friend, but I couldn't help it. I still talked to them though at least…more than can be said for how I treated my own family.

"Oh yeah, way to go bro. Takin'the lazy train. That's what I like to hear," Emmett said as he leaned back to rest his head on his folded arms behind him on the chair he was sitting in. "Nothing like some good old 'you time' to fix the old thinker" he said tapping one temple and then resuming his earlier pose.

"Shut the fuck up, douche. Its not laziness," I muttered, not really mad at him at all.

"Emmett, sweetie, leave him alone," Esme said as I noticed Carlisle eyeing me carefully. He knew I was lying, I could tell and was sure that there would be some office time involved before the evening was out. Maybe it was time to let him in anyways. There had to be some way he could help.

Alice was still curled into me and I heard her laugh.

"What's so funny little one?" I asked as I ruffled her short hair and she sat straight up to fix it before leaning back down and pulling my arm around her once again.

"Nothing, I just like having you back," she said and I smiled down at her.

"We all do," Carlisle said in a careful tone. I knew what he meant and I didn't like what he was implying.

Alice and I had become incredibly close during this whole ordeal. I had a feeling that Carlisle was judging the fact that I could go to her and not to anyone else. That would be something that I would have to bring up during our little talk. I needed him to understand why it had to be that way. We made eye contact and I told him silently what I needed to and he slightly nodded his head, just enough for only me to notice.

"Do you think she'll write back?" Alice suddenly asked and I turned beet red.

"Alice," I hissed before regaining my composure.

I hadn't told anyone else that I had found an actual letter and had replied to it. I was afraid of what they would say. Would they think I was crazier than I already thought myself to be? Would they chastise me for subjecting myself to this all over again? I really didn't know and to be honest I was scared to find out.

"A letter?" Esme asked intrigued and I groaned as I covered my face with one hand.

"Yes, a letter." I peeked between my fingers to see the opposite of what I expected. Emmett was grinning ear to ear and almost bouncing, Esme had a wistful look on her face, Carlisle looked supportive and Alice was giving me her fucking 'I told you so' look.

I explained to them what had happened and how it went. I figured that "out with it" was the way to go and it actually took longer than expected but they all sat intently listening. Emmett threw in the occasional stupid joke or comment as I knew he would, but other than that, the only thing I could hear was my own voice.

It seemed almost real saying it out loud. As I spoke, I fingered her letter which I kept in my pocket at all times. I wanted to pull it out right there and read it, but for some reason I knew that would be a bad idea. When I finished regaling them with my story, the room was stunned.

"Edward, that's just so…I mean it's fate. You know that right? I think I remember some old psychic lady saying something about the truest love connection or something. Oh what was it, Carlisle? You were there with me. Remember that lady going on about how just one touch means forever?"

While Esme went on about a psychic and Carlisle laughed I realized how much I had actually missed this. Just my family and the people I love. It showed that I really could tell them anything, and they wouldn't judge me. I could probably tell them that I wanted to live in my dream and they'd understand. I mean it was obvious that I missed it, but I actually wanted to live it with them…and her.

The room went uncomfortably silent, and I didn't know where to go next. Never one to break a silence, I just waited for someone else to.

"Do you think it's…wise to invest a lot of hope in this thing here son?"

I met Carlisle's eyes and saw what I hadn't seen before. He was only worried about me. He was concerned that this would bring me down deeper. Farther into the mess I was already in. There wasn't anything to be done now, what was done couldn't be undone now. I rubbed the back of my neck as I thought about how to put this to them.

"Look, I get that this seems insane, and to be honest, none of it even makes any sense to me. I don't understand what's happening here, but I have to know. I have… no, I _need_...to take this chance because I think that not knowing will tear me apart more," I paused as I thought about the rest. It was hard to put into words how I felt, and I wanted my thoughts to come out somewhat coherent at least.

"I realize that she will be different, or I assume she will be at least, and that she may think I'm a fucking whack job missing a brain cell or two-and she would be right about that. But I don't think that any of you truly understand what went on. What is_still_ going on. She was there and she dreamt about me too. I can't walk away from that."

They silently absorbed what I said, and I got up and slowly took the stairs to my old room, the room that now housed my piano. I sat down on the bench fingering the dusty key cover. Slowly sliding it open, all I could do was look. I imagined them downstairs discussing me and I didn't care. The only thing on my mind was the song that had been drilling itself into my head for the last…however long. I'd lost track of months, days and even hours long ago.

Slowly fingering my way across the scale, I wondered idly about what the pretty girl was doing right this moment. I wondered if she had received the letter and called authorities yet. I thought about what her reaction would be and I laughed quietly to myself.

I thought about everything we'd been through and everything that was soon to come. I thought about Jasper and Alice, about Rosalie and Emmett, but most of all I thought about her eyes. Her eyes were so brown, and so full of good.

I remembered the way she tasted and smelled. The way it lingered in my bed after a night of pure rest and on my clothes after a cuddle on the couch. How could anything that real be non-existent? I remembered the way my fingers played her like the piano I was touching. Whether it was my fingers twisted with her own or on her neck or in places a gentleman doesn't speak about, they knew every inch of her. They could sense the pumping of the blood in her veins and what she needed at any given moment. They loved her so much, and they did so because they were me. There was no way that something so good and so perfect wasn't meant to be.

"It's been ages since we heard you play." My aunt's voice startled me from the doorway and I hadn't even realized I'd been playing the song. I was so immersed in my thoughts that my hands were playing of their own accord. "That's a beautiful song. Is it new?"

I nodded and finally looked her way surprised to see Carlisle there as well, with his arms wrapped around her. "It's been in my head for awhile."

"It's lovely. I just wanted to make sure that chicken was alright with you. I haven't seen you in so long that I've forgotten what you like to eat," she snickered jokingly and I couldn't help but join in.

"Anything you'd like to make for us wayward children would be great, Esme."

She came over to me and wrapped an arm around my neck and whispered in my ear, "I'm so proud of you for not giving up. I can feel it in my bones that your day will come, baby boy." I smiled at her and hugged her back. As she exited the room, she and Carlisle shared a meaningful look and that's when I knew that the inevitable was upon us. My uncle lingered at the door as I absentmindedly trailed my fingers along the black and white ivory.

"Do you mind if I come in?" he asked. I shook my head and gestured for him to take a seat on the old bed I used to sleep in. I didn't make eye contact with him just yet, instead concentrating on the floor at my feet. "I don't know why you think I'm here, but it isn't to demean you in any way, you know."

I shot my eyes to his and I saw a look of sincerity there. He didn't want to tell me I was an idiot, or that what I was doing was wrong. His face held only concern and reassurance. The contradiction of the two emotions was not lost on me.

"First of all, I want to make sure you are actually okay. Your answers downstairs and the way you avoided answering questions directly made me wonder. Have you been seeking help, Edward?"

"I have," I told him quietly.

"It shows, I think it's getting you somewhere. You need to stop feeling distressed by the direction your emotions are taking you in. You can't blame yourself for pushing people away for a bit. Have Ben and Angela complained at all about the store?" I shook my head and he nodded in confirmation. "Do you think they would if they were upset about it?"

"Probably," I said after thinking about it for a moment. They were constantly reassuring me that they would be fine and not to worry. They wouldn't push me out like that if they weren't concerned about me would they? I mean, I'm sure I've been a handful lately, but not to the point of them wanting to get rid me, right?

"See, and we're getting along just fine. None of us are angry with you Edward. You do understand that don't you? All we want is to see you happy again. On that note, are you prepared for the worst in this situation?" My eyes widened as I took in what he said, "By that I mean, it could be different; harder, if you will. Who am I to know, though? Perhaps it'll be as easy as remembering how to ride a bike. No one can be sure."

"I'm not sure I'm entirely ready for anything right now. Carlisle, I think I need some help with all of this. From you and Esme. I can't hide it any longer. I need to tell you everything. My mind is a mess." I told him and he nodded patiently again.

"That's all I needed to hear, and we are here for you, son. Every step of the way."

We embraced in a hug and I shed a couple of silent tears and he held on sensing that I needed a moment. I cleared my throat and we separated.

"You good?" I nodded as I wiped at my face with the back of my hand. "Good, let's go see what's on in the way of sports shall we?"

* * *

I gave it a week. I said I would give it a week and I did. So that's how I found myself standing outside the Starbucks willing myself not to throw a tantrum if the letter was still there. Esme coached me along with things ever since I told her everything, and even asked if I wanted her to come with me. I felt like a first grader off for my first day at school. Things were so ridiculously upside down. I told her no, but asked her if I could call her if I started feeling overwhelmed again. She agreed wholeheartedly and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. If anyone was a voice of reason, it was definitely Esme Cullen.

I went inside and up to the counter. The girl smiled at me and asked how she could help me, having my drink ready in record time. Turns out I was a well known patron around these parts…can't imagine why. I took it from her gratefully while leaving her a generous tip, not knowing what the outcome of this visit would be. I made my way to the chair and sat swiftly, looking out the window just in case.

I took a deep breath and took the plunge. It was the only way to do this, like ripping off a band-aid. When I encountered paper on the same side as before, I wasn't sure what to think. Upon removal of it, however, I found that it was in fact my letter and returned it to its previous spot.

I took a few deep breaths, and closed my eyes. With nothing else on my agenda for the day, I decided I would hang out at the coffee shop for awhile and read a book that I had started the day before, but I didn't want to do it in this chair. There were so many reasons for that. One, it didn't feel right, and two, if she came looking and I was here, I wasn't sure what she would do. I decided to lug myself to the other corner of the store and immerse myself in the book in one of their hard ass chairs. Once I was settled, I pulled out my phone to text my aunt.

_It's__ still here, __I'm__ fine. Reading a book at the coffee shop. Don't worry._

I waited for her response which was a simple 'okay' before setting the phone down on the table in front of me and picking up the book. The first few times I heard the stupid jingling at the door, I immediately raised my head to see who was entering the store, but soon realized that would drive me to drink, and I didn't mean the coffee in front of me either.

Six chapters and two coffees later, my phone buzzed on the table and I finished the page I was reading before setting it down and picking up the device. My heart jumped to my throat when I didn't recognize the number. Looking up was out of the question. Had I missed her coming in? Had she come, taken the letter and left? I wouldn't forgive myself if that's what had happened.

_How do you know?-B _That was all the text said on my phone and I instantly knew it was her. I knew what those words implied, exactly what she meant, and knew the answer well.

I answered her swiftly.

_I've known from the first time we touched. I just need to feel it in reality. –E_

_I'm scared. –B_

It was then I looked up from the phone, the table and my book and my breath caught in my throat. There in the chair giving me the most beautiful side view I have ever seen was my brown eyed pretty girl. She had her phone in one hand, my letter in the other and tears in her eyes, and that just wouldn't work for me.

A smile crept up my face, a genuine one for the first time in a long time as I pushed back the fear and trepidation of how this would end. It could be so great or fucking traumatizing. Packing my things, I stood and sent off a text, hopefully the last for at least a couple of hours.

_Don't be scared, pretty girl. Want to have coffee with me? -E_

I saw her gasp and her head slowly lifted as she scanned the shop, drifting over me before doing a double take and then staring in shock. Goddamn was she ever still so beautiful. I could see subtle differences now and everything seemed so much more defined. Her hair was a richer color than in my dreams. She wasn't quite so tiny and her eyes sparkled just a little more.

"Please, Bella? Have coffee with me?"

She simply nodded before standing, leaving everything in its spot at 'The Chair' and walking over to stand in front of me. We stood before each other for a long moment before the wall was torn down and we gravitated towards each other in a tight embrace. She stood on her tip toes as I held her, and whispered in my ear as she sobbed.

"I've dreamt about you every night."

I looked her in the eyes and removed a stray hair from in front of her eye.

"Me too," I told her.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** *licks*

SO! Single Shot Awards! Voting is ending soon. The Boy and The Muse is in the running. Enough about that.

Robmusement has been recc'ing me and I didnt even know it! Hearts to her and the banners she made for me.

Visit my push blog www(dot)theficpusher(dot)blogspot(dot)com

The reviews and recs have blown me away. I dont even know what to say about it!

OH! SPANISH! FIY is now being translated into spanish by twostrippedmoons! Im so grateful to her for doing that!


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Links for everything for all of my stories are now on my updated profile! Videos for this and The Boy and The Muse. Also, I started a new story check it out. Broken Parts

This chapter is edited by CullenSistah

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

* * *

**I want to live where soul meets body**  
**And let the sun wrap its' arms around me**  
**And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing**  
**And feel, feel what its like to be new**

**And I cannot guess what we'll discover**  
**When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels**  
**But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's**  
**And not one speck will remain**

**And I do believe it's true**  
**That there are roads left in both of our shoes**  
**But if the silence takes you**  
**Then I hope it takes me too**  
**So brown eyes I hold you near**  
**Cause you're the only song I want to hear**  
**A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere**

**Soul Meets Body – Deathcab For Cutie**

* * *

The feeling of Bella underneath my hands was incomparable to anything else ever. I was reluctant to let the moment end, to have it sink into her that I was insane, then watch her run from me. So instead, I held on.

I refused to let my hands roam, because let's face it-that would just be fucking weird. Instead, I rested them at the small of her back, my fingers barely making contact with her body, but knowing that she was under the T-shirt she wore. Bella, her mind, body and soul was finally in my grasp. I had literally dreamt about this moment for so long now, that it made me want to cry. And as I pulled back to look at her again and she raised one simple finger to wipe below my eye, I knew that I was.

"Will you tell me how you know?" she whispered. I nodded and led her to the seating area. Once there, I was faced with a dilemma. She didn't know the meaning to everything yet. I cast a nervous glance her way and decided on the sofa once more. God everything felt so déjà vu. The only thing was I was the one crying this time.

"Come, sit." I led her to the sofa by her hand that she willingly put in mine. I was leery of the amount of trust she was putting in me, a veritable stranger.

We sat, facing each other and I was suddenly struck dumb. Where the hell does one start in a situation such as this? 'Hey, I'm just, like a stalker, but I did it in my dreams, so it's okay right?' Or how about this one? 'Well, my subconscious was planning on asking you to marry me, but since _that_ didn't pan out…' Yeah, still no. So where the hell was I supposed to start?

"I uh, I don't know how to begin…" I told her as she sat looking at me patiently but expectantly. I ran a hand through my hair letting out a deep sigh. I looked her dead in the beautiful brown eyes and shrugged, letting my right hand raise and then drop in resignation. "I fell in love with you in my dreams."

Figuring 'out with it' was the way to go, I tensed waiting for her to run. Run as far away from the madman as possible, yet she didn't. Instead, she sat there in all her glory and gazed at me in awe. I gazed back longingly hoping this would come across as somewhat sane. The silence stretched as we both just stared. It was comfortable, yet intense. She was digging deep, seeing what she could find in me, and I was seeing the real her. The less emaciated her. The her that was vibrant and beautiful and…real.

"Are you real?" The second the words were out of my mouth, I realized how utterly fucking ridiculous they sounded, and I scrunched my eyes closed tight, shaking my head at my own stupidity and muttering. "What I mean is…I mean, well," I scratched the back of my head as I opened my eyes to see her smiling sadly at me. "Are you?" I whispered.

"I was just wondering the same thing. Your eyes are so much greener than I remembered, and I can feel you…but then again, I could always feel you in my dreams too…do I sound crazy?" she asked.

I barked out a laugh. And I do mean a loud one. She flinched away a little bit, and I felt like a douche. But honestly, did Bella just ask the nut house monthly model if he thought she was crazy? She looked a little hurt, like maybe I actually thought she was and I stopped instantly, taking one of her small hands in my own and shaking me head no, emphasizing my point with a grin.

"Bella, no. I should be asking _you_ that, not the other way around." God I was so nervous. This was too weird. I couldn't figure out what I could share and what I shouldn't. The confusion gave way to stupidity, and I started blurting things out. "I don't know how much you dreamed of me, but I actually dreamt a life together. Do you remember the day that you….the day you were there and you helped me?"

"I remember," she whispered. "You've been on my mind ever since. I wondered if you were okay, I wondered if you knew I was there. And when I wasn't wondering, I was dreaming. I even dreamt about a letter you wrote me…" with that she looked away sheepishly and I waited for her to continue. The next words out of her mouth shocked the shit out of me, and I'm sure it showed. "I even dreamt that you called me your pretty girl, and that you said you loved me."

"I dreamt that too, Bella," I told her, pulling her chin up to meet my eyes. "And it was all so real. You know what else I dreamt?" I asked her and she shook her head. "You also told me you loved me, though I don't expect you to take my word for it."

"How much did you dream?" she asked me. What a loaded question.

"How much?" I laughed nervously as this was what I was worried about revealing. "That car accident, Miss Isabella, left yours truly in a coma for three weeks." Her mouth dropped open in shock and I shook my head and shushed her. "It's okay. I'm okay now, see? I brought our entwined hands up to my heart to show her that it was beating just fine and that this was real and she visibly relaxed. "So the answer to your question is, I dreamt in constant succession of three weeks, but to me it was six months…"

We sat and I talked for a long time, never fully losing contact with each other. I noticed we shifted closer together and a hand touched an arm, a toe touched a leg, or a finger touched hair depending on what was being said. I told her everything. The horrors of the first time we met, the letters, meeting Jasper and Rosalie. I had questions, but I decided to let it all out instead first. I told her about how she left the hospital before I could get back there and then about how we cuddled together at night. I told her about our first date, and finally about our last date and the many revelations that were made within it.

The trepidation I felt was palpable. It was in the air all around us as neither of us spoke. I had said my peace. I couldn't take the silence so I piled a little more crazy on her plate.

"I dreamt of you even after I woke up," I gulped, "Things that kind of blew my mind actually. Can you say something so I know you're not afraid of me?" I whispered.

She looked at me shyly and back down to her now knotted together fingers. She looked like she was trying to piece things together. Maybe trying to come up with a way to tell me she never wanted anything to do with me again. Her mouth opened, and then closed, and repeated the action before she looked away.

"I feel like you know all my secrets, but they're all a little messy in your head. You don't really know me. Maybe you won't want to know me if I'm different…"

"Maybe we need to learn that for ourselves, but I assure you this happened for a reason. How much did you dream about me, Bella?" I asked her.

"I told you, every night. Every single night since that accident." She looked outside and her eyes glazed over. I looked over my shoulder trying to figure out what she was looking at but couldn't come up with anything.

"What is it?" I asked her.

"Doesn't it bother you to be here?"

"No, why? It brought me to you." I told her honestly.

"No, I mean not about that, but like, doesn't it bother you that you are only about fifty steps away from where it happened?" She said and my face paled. I had never realized that to be true before. I mean, logically I knew that this was where it had happened, but I guess I never put two and two together. But then I realized something else. It didn't matter.

"My earlier answer still stands," I told her after thinking it through. "It doesn't matter, because it brought me to you."

She tentatively leaned towards me and I was like a scared animal, waiting on her to make her move. She slowly threaded her arms underneath mine and leaned her head down on my chest, right above my heart. I brought my hands up, one rubbing her back slowly and one cupped around her head, relishing in the closeness and I adventurously placed a feather light kiss to the top of her head.

"Can I take you somewhere?" she asked.

Well that was a completely unexpected question, but I was glad that she had the courage to ask it.

"I'd go anywhere with you, Miss Swan." I grinned and she smiled shyly back, that faint twinge of a blush rushing out to her cheeks and I caressed it softly with the back of my index finger.

"Well, it's kind of far away." I nodded and she still seemed worried to continue.

"Where else am I going to go?" I asked her quietly. "You have me to your heart's content."

"Ummm, it's just outside of Forks." Her apprehension was finally making an appearance. Honestly, I told the girl that I dream stalked her, that I'd go anywhere with her, and she was worried about a little drive.

"Well, then, I am driving, because I am not a fan of that damn red truck of yours," I joked with her. Her eyes widened, but she nodded. I stood and extended my hand, and she stood taking it willingly.

"Your chariot awaits, m'lady," I said as I hooked her arm through mine and we left the Starbucks.

* * *

"You sure this is the place?" I asked skeptically as I surveyed my surroundings. We were at a dead end dirt road that ended at a hiking trail. She nodded and appraised me nervously. "So a hike it is, I guess."

"It's not far," she said so quietly I almost didn't hear her. "And I usually fall a lot trying to get there, but I wanted to show you a piece of me that maybe you didn't yet know."

"Hey, look at me," I implored her. "Hey, I'm honored and trust me, I won't let you fall. I never have before."

There was another intense silence followed by a whispered out thank you from the angel sitting next to me. I told her to wait there as I went around to her side of the car to open the door for her. She took my hand and I started leading her towards the path, but she pulled on my hand and yanked me to a stop.

"I thought we were hiking…?" I said confused.

"We are, but I never said anything about a path," she replied cryptically, then led me in the other direction. I soon found myself surrounded by so much green that it made my head swim. It smelled so fresh in the foliage, but the scent of Bella was still pushing its way through to my nose. I saw light filtering through the trees up ahead, and Bella's footsteps slowed.

"So, I found this shortly after I helped you that day, and I've come here a lot since. It's uh, it isn't anything special, but I like to think here. It reminded me of you…" she looked away again.

"Don't be shy. I told you I fell in love with you and we hadn't even met when it happened. I'm the one who's fucked up here."

"Thank you for not letting me fall," she said smiling genuinely for the first time. The other ones were all timid or nervous, this one was perfectly her.

"Thank you for allowing me the chance."

She sat down in a patch of green that looked well worn and I followed suit, laying on my side and propping my head up on my hand.

"Sooo…" she started and looked at me expectantly.

"Well, you told me that I didn't have your secrets right. How shall we remedy this?" I asked.

"You can ask and I can debunk or verify the secret."

Everything we spoke here was so quiet. It was almost like it was an unwritten rule not to break the spell. I looked to my left and my breath caught. This was the meadow from my dream. The one where I had proposed and she continually denied. This was reality. It made everything that much more concrete.

"Well, the first letter I received from you in there," I said as I pointed to my head, "and the first one I received in reality, were similar but with differences. That gave me a lot of insight. Also…" I was reluctant to tell her how much of a stalker I really had been. "My uncle, Carlisle, checked out some of your family history…" she seemed shocked but composed her features quickly. "I was trying to find you," I whispered."

"I was too. I never thought you would return there. Never in a million years. I thought the dreams of us in that coffee shop were just wishful thinking." She giggled a little.

"I love that laugh, you know."

I learned that Bella became self conscious when complimented, and tucked that neatly away in the verified column.

"Jasper and Rosalie, real?"

"Yes, very real. Jasper has been my best friend for I don't even know how long. We did homeschooling together. His mother taught us. Rosalie, his sister, was always very protective," she sighed. "I never thought she liked me very much."

"Well the Rosalie I knew loved you very much and even threatened my manhood if I made any missteps, I'll have you know," The aforementioned manhood ached at the memory and I caught my grimace before it would become visible. Bella just shrugged.

"Jasper. OCD?"

"A little," she gigged. "Not to the extent that you described him as though. It was enough to make him different, and yes it was the reason he was homeschooled…that's because we were beat up in elementary school," she added quietly eyes downcast.

"What?" I raged breaking the serenity.

"It was a long time ago, Edward. I don't like to think about it. It was the same boy that told me I was fat and to stop eating…yes that actually happened. Can I not talk about this anymore?" She asked looking near tears.

I sat up and pulled her to my side stroking her hair gently. "Of course. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. Shall we stop then?"

"Would that…would you be angry if I wanted to? This is a lot to take in. I still don't understand…" she trailed of as she motioned between the two of us and then dropped her head to her knees that she had brought up to her chest.

"Bella no. Let's give it a rest and just enjoy that we found each other. I for one hope that we have a long time to learn…that is if you want to."

"I want to. I _need_ to I think. I'm just confused and maybe a little scared. And I think I might l-" she cut herself short and scoffed at herself.

I knew what she wanted to say. And I wanted to say it too, but she was right. It was scary.

"You always told me that you slept best when you were with me. I wonder If that's true." I smirked down at her and she opened her mouth in shock.

"Edward did we ever…I mean did we…did I _sleep_ with you?" She hissed. " Because I've never even kissed anyone, or anything…and I can't even imagine, was it bad?" she cringed as she said this.

"Oh Bella no. No. We never did. Well, we did once," I told her softly, "but it was a dream within the dream. I don't think we can take anything from that," I told her remembering hearing my aunt and uncle in the room as we lost our virginity to each other. "And to be honest, even then, it was beautiful." I whispered and stroked her hair. "Our thing though, our thing was cuddling all night long in one of our beds. I miss it so much actually."

She calmed down and settled down on me further and I heard that quiet sigh I knew so well.

"Tired?" I asked her.

She nodded and didn't say another word as she nuzzled her cheek to my chest and wrapped her arms around my torso. Her breathing evened out and I think I finally had a moment to breathe. Now _this_ was what real life was meant to be.

"Edward?" she asked groggily from her perch on me.

"Yes love?"

"Is 'Easy Stanley' real?"

I chuckled and told her she was and then told her she could sleep and I would still be here when she woke up. She fell asleep and I let her lay on my chest, just so she could hear my heartbeat.

I took a second to fish my phone out of my pocket in case my aunt worried about me. I noticed some texts from Alice but decided they could wait and fired one off to Esme.

_Found her. We're good. Thank you. Will call you later._

The air around us grew slightly chilly and I wrapped my arms tighter around Bella.

"I love you," I told her as she slept. "You are my life now."

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** The song is SO important to this chapter, if even just for the title. Thanks for reading. I dont thank all of you enough. I really dont. You all make me so happy and are so sweet to me. I've gotten reviews that have actually made me tear up, one sthat have made me laugh, and I am sincerely sorry for fucking with all of your minds. I would like to put you all at ease and tell you that yes, from this point on it IS real life. Love you all! *licks*


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer:** I do not own twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Links for everything for all of my stories are now on my updated profile! Videos for this and The Boy and The Muse. Also, I started a new story check it out. Broken Parts

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

**I must give a HUGE amount of love to TwistedInMasen for dealing with my *flails* every single chapter. That is all. She is my rock when it comes to this story.**

* * *

**When the winds come and they blow  
When the rains turn to sleet and snow  
When the waters rage at the sea  
Bitter cold but you warm me  
It's for you I walk through a storm  
It's for you I lay me down  
There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you  
When you call I'll be right there  
I'll turn my world right around for you  
Don't you see, don't you see I'm here  
Only for you I walk through a storm  
Only for you I lay me down**

**It's For You – The Fray**

* * *

"Do you trust me enough to tell me where you live so that I can drive you home?" I asked her as I held her hand and we winded our way through the darkening forest. After watching Bella sleep for a short while, I decided it probably was time for the two of us to make our way back to Seattle. It occurred to me only then that I wasn't even sure if she lived in Seattle.

Her silence stretched for awhile and I accepted the fact that she may not trust the loony dude. It was like the first proper reaction she'd had since we finally laid real life eyes on each other.

She glanced at me and I assume saw the worry etched on my face and she looked away, once again trying to wrap her fingers around her thoughts. All of this had to be hard on her. I know, for me, it was almost too much to bear.

"It's just…I mean, I assumed you already knew where I lived," she said quietly.

Ah, so that was it. Confusion.

"Well, unless you live with a rather large Native American man who pretends he doesn't know you, I think it's safe to say that it's just something else I got wrong." Her brow furrowed and I chuckled. "You didn't honestly think that in my search for you I wouldn't have gone to every place I knew to look?" I smirked at her and she smiled back.

"Will you show me?"

"Show you what?" I asked her utterly at a loss to what she wanted.

"Will you show me the things we did and the places we were in your dreams?" she sighed and collected her thoughts again. "I just want to know…" she trailed off and I moved my hand from hers and snaked it around her waist.

"I will take you anywhere you wish to go, pretty girl. Tomorrow that is. It's late now, though. Time to get you home to bed."

Her eyes were wide and I couldn't figure out why, what I had said to make her look at me that way. Emotions were dancing across her, none staying long enough to make me understand them. Confusion, adoration, regret, pain, loss, love, and finally settling on bashful.

"What is it, Bella?"

"You called me pretty girl," she whispered. "Do you say that to placate me? Make me think I am when I know I'm not?"I felt my heart breaking for the girl and I held her just a little bit closer. "I don't live up to my name. I'm not beautiful in Italian, and I'm not graceful like a swan," her sad eyes turned downwards and I waited to see if she would say anything else before I intervened. "I wish I had been there for all of it," she said almost to herself and I stopped us both turning to her and taking her face in both of my hands.

"Bella, listen to me. I call you pretty girl because I think you're a pretty girl. I only speak the truth. Actually, I don't even think of you as a pretty girl. You're an amazing girl, a brave strong girl and a heart stoppingly gorgeous girl."I stroked her hair as she digested what I just told her. "I don't need you to love me, not yet. I just need to know you. Can you do that? For me? I like my beautiful graceful bird however way you'll come to me." I told her quietly, seriousness emanating from both of us. She nodded and pulled away.

We resumed our jaunt through the forest in relative silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, more of a 'think while you have the time to' kind of silence. When we reached the car, I opened the passenger side door for her, went around to my own side and took a deep breath before being in the small confined space with the person I once upon a time thought I knew better than myself. When I turned to look at her after buckling my belt, I was surprised to see her looking my way with a contemplative look.

"I'm not scared of you," she said matter of factly before turning to look out the window.

"I couldn't be happier," I told her bringing her right hand to my mouth to give it a sweet kiss, a promise, if you will.

We drove home to Seattle in quiet. She had confirmed that she did in fact live in Seattle, and would show me directions once we got there.

I reeled in my head over the latest turn of events. Bella existed, she was real, and I could touch her. She wasn't afraid of me, and she even dreamt of me. For some reason, I was strangely worried about the ways she was taking things so coolly. I still didn't know the real her, and I desperately wanted, no needed to.

I remembered her words from earlier about how I might not like the real her, that once my ideals of her are different, I wouldn't want her. This couldn't be farther from the truth. I dint know what this new age crap was that the universe sent my way, but I was determined to finish the puzzle. She was sent to me in my unconscious state for a reason. My biggest worry was whether or not she would want me.

"Turn left," she said, effectively breaking my train of thought.

"A right here," and my surroundings were so familiar that I began to think she really did live with the dude and they were both fucking with my head. Playing a 'lets get the crazy guy all riled up' game.

"Bella what's your house number?" I asked as I tuned into the very same apartment complex I had checked out in my bid to find her.

"Twenty-six," she said hesitantly and a laugh bubbled up from my chest and spilled out. Well there it was. Twenty six. The large Native American fellow was apparently her neighbor on the other side of where 'mind Bella's' friends lived. What the hell did this mean? Why would buddys house be the one I thought of and not hers? I was fairly certain that I had dreamt of her living in twenty eight and not twenty six.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"Lets just say that I was a lot closer in my search for you thank I thought," she cocked her head in confusion. I pointed towards the homes. "I dreamt that you lived in twenty eight, not in twenty six, so when I went to find you and came across the buddy that lives there, you were probably tucked away safe and sound inside your house the entire time. Right next door."

She smiled sweetly at me and then looked down to inspect her woven fingers.

"Edward, this is just a little weird…and I don't want to ask you."

"You can ask me anything, Bella. Do you trust me?"

"I have no idea why, but yes I do," she said and then a smile formed on her pretty lips.

"What's on your mind, sweet girl?" I asked and grabbed her hand in my own. She gave it a light squeeze and then looked out the window and then back at me.

"I want to uhhh, test the theory?" It came out as a question and that didn't help clarification issues at all. "About sleeping," she said nearly inaudibly. My heart pounded and nearly beat the hell out of my chest. Was she asking what I thought she was asking? This didn't seem right. She should have reservations about me. She should be scared of me. Any normal person would be scared of the crazy guy. What the effing fuck?

"What theory, Bella?" I asked her knowing full well I already knew.

"Will you stay the night with me?" she asked before holding her breath and looking at me like she pitied the fact that I had to know her. "I don't really want to be alone…"

"Bella, I would be honored to spend the night with you, but only if you're sure. This is new to you, and odd as hell I'm sure. I won't try anything," I said as I smirked down at her wistful face.

"I know you wont," she breathed and then looked away releasing the lungful of air she'd been holding. "It's not fair to do that, you know?" she said.

"Do what?" Jesus she was perplexing and I loved her for it.

"Dazzle people. Its not fair and very distracting," she huffed.

"Dazzling huh? Do I dazzle you?" I asked her and unleashed on her what I hoped to be my most inviting look.

"Frequently," she breathed before shaking her head.

"Listen, oh dazzled one, I have to make a quick phone call. How about you go on in and I'll meet you in there?" she hung her head and nodded, and I wondered why she looked so deflated all of a sudden. "I'll be right there, I promise."

She took off out the car and up to her door in a flash and I pulled out my phone after I was done making sure she made it safe and secure inside the house. I checked the text messages from Alice first and they were all pretty generic, until I got to the part where she decided that she was sure I had found her. Maybe the rug rat could see the future after all. I dialed my aunts' number and waited as it rang.

"Hello?" she answered after three rings.

"Hi,"

"Oh Edward! How did everything go?" she asked and I smiled so wide the edges of my mouth may have cracked.

"Things are going lovely, Esme. Listen, I'm staying the night at her house…"

"Edward," she admonished.

"Jesus, Esme, not like that. Give me a little credit, would ya?" I rolled my eyes. "I just wanted you to know so that you knew I hadn't gone crazy and off the grid, okay?"

"Okay well…call us if you need us. Edward, you sound happy again. Tell me how it goes, alright?"

"Yes ma'am." I hung up and left the car locking it on the way with a flash of the lights and a beep. I knocked on the front door slowly with no answer to be heard.

"Bella?" I called out.

"Come in," she said.

I walked in to find her sitting in the middle of a sparsely decorated sitting room on her couch, one of only 4 pieces of furniture in the room. Her knees were up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them and I'd never seen anyone look so small before. I hurriedly took off my shoes, and ran to sit next to her.

"What's wrong?" I asked her.

"I thought you were running," she finally admitted after a long pause.

"Bella," I scoffed at her and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I'm not going to run, okay? Will you tell me about school tonight? While were here, no one else to intrude on something important?" She stilled, and I wrapped an arm around her then. "It's just, I need to understand what happened, and you left it at such a precarious spot…"

"I will. Do you want something to drink first?" I shook my head and she nodded.

She snuggled closely into my side. And I wrapped my other arm around her as well, effectively cocooning her and protecting her from well…everything, really.

"Mike Newton was an asshole," she said and it was my turn to stiffen. Mike Newton was a fucking asshole. I knew that first hand. I was in high school with the crazy mother fucker. I was pretty sure he was with 'Easy Stanley' now. Maybe they had ugly babies and bad health insurance. One could only hope.

"What did he do to you?" I murmured as I ran my hand up and down her arm sending a shiver through her. "Are you cold?" I asked. She didn't answer, but I pulled the blanket from the back of the couch over the two of us anyways, just in case.

"I'm…different, Edward. I have an IQ of one forty one, but let me assure you, that does not help you in the real world. I can remember passages from books, and I can do complex equations in my head. I can recite the alphabet backwards in two point three seconds, and I can tell you the names of every single town and city in the state of Washington. But none of that helps you in the real world, does it?" she questioned distastefully.

"I always did as I was told, and I never disobeyed. That was the smart thing to do, right? Jasper was different too. Everything of his was always neat and tidy and perfect. Sometimes when the teacher would write on the board, it would be at just the slightest angle and he would have to run up and fix it, or go crazy. We weren't normal children, so we gravitated towards each other." I tightened my grip on her and waited with bated breath. "Mike Newton knew. One day, he told me that I was a whale, a fat pig, and I should just stop eating altogether so I wouldn't be anymore. I was twelve years old, and little twelve year old me dutifully did as I was told.

"Jasper was the only one who knew and he knew it was wrong, even though he was only a child himself. I started to lose weight I didn't need to lose, and I was making myself sick. I started eating, but then felt myself gaining, and was worried that Mike would find out I ate, so I began purging," she uttered quietly. I felt a tear escape my eyes as she told me and I kissed the top of her head.

"One day, we were at school, Jasper and I hiding under the wooden playground during lunch, and he found us under there. He told everyone he saw the retard kissing the whale and it wasn't true at all. He told everyone and it was mortifying. Jasper, bless him, tried to come to my rescue. He stood up for me that day and I wish he hadn't.

"Mike Newton met us on the way home from school as we walked together, and pulled us into an alley way," I did not like the direction this story was heading in and my jaw was set straight as stone.

"Did he touch you Bella?" I felt her gulp and moved back to look at her. "Did he?" She nodded and I saw red. They were twelve years old for Christ sake.

"Not like that, well, not much. He grabbed what little I had for breasts and twisted, saying that they were fat just like me. He pulled my ugly hair and said that my downstairs was probably just as ugly and stringy as my upstairs. I didn't know what he meant then, but I do now. They beat the shit out of Jasper and then Mike spit in my face and walked away. I was left crying next to a hurt Jasper and couldn't leave him for anything. Once it was dark, I guess my father began to worry. He came looking and found us there, luckily we weren't far from the edge of the alley.

"That was when we were both pulled out of school and all of the ugly truths came out." She looked down at her hands and I silently shed some tears as she began to sob and clutched at my shirt for dear life. I let her cry into my shirt and just whispered things in her ear as she calmed down.

"Bella, you are none of those things. You are not stupid, you are not fat. You are most certainly not unattractive. I wish you could see what I can see. The view from here is beautiful," I whispered in her ear. "Do you trust me?" She nodded, so I kissed her cheek and sat us upright on the couch, leaning my back on the arm of it and bringing her to sit in front of me with her back to me. I pulled my arms around her and slowly snaked them up and over her arms.

"Do I scare you, Bella?" She shook her head, but I could detect a small hint of fear in her eyes.

"Do you want to try to have something with me?" she nodded.

"Can I show you what I love about you?" I whispered to the shell of her ear, and she melted into me.

"You can't actually know that you love me. You know nothing about me," She mumbled.

"That's not true," I told her as my right hand came up to her neck and I touched the small scar behind her left ear. "I don't know why this is here, but I know it is. That's the important thing."

"I fell off my bike when I was eight. It was from the gravel." I nodded and skimmed my hand down to her arm and stretched out her arm and turning it, before tracing the freckle on the inside of her elbow. It was bigger than all the rest. It was her calling card. "This freckle is something I would be sad to see go." I told her and smiled.

We were speaking in hushed tones, both of us too afraid to disturb the peace of the moment. My hands trailed to her sides and just under her shirt where they sat on her stomach and I could feel that she was nowhere near as small as he was the first time I met her in my dreams. She was more like the girl I last saw there. I tickled her side with my pinky and she giggled. "Your skin is perfect here. I love the feel of it."

Bella was bright red, but glowing. No one had ever told her how special she really was. I had to make her see somehow. That dick Newton popped in my head and I turned into a crip again. All ready to bust caps in asses and shit.

"Still trust me?"

"Yes," she said without thinking for even a moment.

I moved both hands up her sides over the t-shirt she wore and sighed. I was nervous about doing this, but she needed a better memory than the only one she had. "Can you look at me Bella?" I asked her and she turned her head enough to see my eyes, her back still pressing to my front. I cautiously moved my hands upward and sighed as I placed one lovingly on each breast, not sexually at all. I rubbed my thumb along the sides and bent down to whisper in her ear.

"And these are perfect, just like my gorgeous girl."

All movement stopped. I felt her heartbeat quicken and then stutter for a moment before resuming its natural beat. I kissed her neck and let my hands drop to find hers. She twisted her fingers in mine and our eyes never once disconnected.

"I was meant to find you, Bella. It's what I was put on this earth to do. So, God help me; let me make you some better memories."

She stared at me in shock and then she softened so much that she slumped into me.

"I'm still scared that you aren't real," she told me and I knew exactly how she felt. "Why do you love me?" she asked.

"I love you because you told me to stay strong. And I love you because you wrote me a letter. I love you because we dreamt about each other, and I love you because I want to."

"I want to tell you everything," she said and yawned. "I want you to know who I really am, and I want to know you. I can't say it yet because I'm scared," I nodded and kissed her cheek. "Is it weird that we're doing this so quickly?" she asked me.

"To me, it isn't even remotely quickly. You have no idea how long I've waited for you, Isabella Swan."

She looked longingly for a moment before shyly smiling up at me through those damn lashes that would be the death of me.

"I want to kiss you right now..." she trailed off and it looked like those words were treacherous on her.

"Your wish," I told her as I leaned down closer to her, "Is my command."

I moved nearer and her breathing picked up. She was nervous and rightfully so. I closed my lips and brought them to her soft ones, gently kissing away everything that was a bad memory, making this new memory better. Making it something she wanted to rehash rather than thinking about the events she just told me about. We kissed slowly for a moment, drinking each others needs in, and then pulled apart. Her eyes were closed and her cheeks were flushed. They slowly opened and she brought a finger up to touch the huge smile on her face.

I had just given my pretty girl her second first kiss.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:***licks* Getting there. Not EXACTLY sure how many chapters are left, but not a trillion, so stick with me! I'd like to know both your thoughts AND a new thing this time round! I'd like to know where you heard about FIY from! Let me know who to thank! Im really big on laying gratitude where it is deserved.


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Links for everything for all of my stories are now on my updated profile! Videos for this and The Boy and The Muse. Also, I started a new story. Check it out, Broken Parts.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Chapter edited by TwittahMom

**Huge thanks goes to twostrippedmoons who is currently in the process of translating FIY into Spanish, for those that would rather read in Spanish than English!**

* * *

**So, I lay my head back down.  
And I lift my hands and pray  
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours  
I know now you're my only hope. **

**Sing to me the song of the stars.**  
**Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.**  
**When it feels like my dreams are so far**  
**Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.**

**Only Hope – Mandy Moore**

* * *

When I woke up, I had my arms around something soft and warm. Thinking it was my pillow, I hugged it closer to me because, lets face it, I was really fucking comfortable, and I was pretty sure I'd just had the best night's sleep of my life. When I tugged it closer however, the soft sigh it let out made my eyes open wide and I was on full alert. Looking down and realizing that it was none other than my beautiful girl, I smiled because it was real.

I kissed the top of her head then just leaned back to watch her sleep. She looked so peaceful at rest, no tension in her body or her facial features. She looked completely relaxed and at ease, as if nothing had ever gone wrong in her life.

While she continued to sleep and I watched, I did a scan of the room we were in. Last evening, we had timidly retreated to Bella's bedroom, more conducive than the sofa to a good nights sleep, she'd said. She couldn't have been more right. I noticed that the room had a little more of her in it. The sitting room was so sparse. I'd asked her about it and she told me that people didn't need to see. It wasn't their business. I nodded in understanding and then kissed the scar behind her ear for good measure. Her bedroom however, had pictures and a little bit of color in it.

Her long bureau had a mirror atop with newspaper clippings stuck in the edges and pictures of a young girl smiling, with whom I presumed were her parents. There was a rocking chair in one corner, and a desk with a laptop on it at the foot of the bed. Folded across the rocking chair was an old quilt. Though I couldn't tell from where I sat, by the way it was folded I would have bet money that it had a fair bit of sentimental value to it.

She stirred slightly in my arms and I moved my hand up and down her arm in a soothing motion. I wanted her to get as much sleep as possible since she admitted to me in her fitful slumber that she hadn't gotten much lately.

I had questions, so many questions. But I wanted things to be on her own terms. There we were, in her house, in her bed even, and she allowed me into it. Just like that. We had this strange connection, almost like a pull. I wasn't sure if she could feel it, but I sure could. It was as though I was the north end of a magnet and she the south. We connected in a way that was nearly impossible to pull apart.

We had touched briefly on the subject of her needing help with her disorders. I found that, not only were they not as bad in real life, but she knew she needed help. She was aware that she couldn't do it alone. As I had already told her of everything that happened while I was in a coma, she was aware of what had transpired, and we both agreed that it wasn't much of a threat to her now. I told her I wouldn't let it become a problem, and she believed me.

She put so much faith in me that it scared me. What if I fucked it up? I don't think I could live without her a second time. She was so trusting of me, of us even. I would do anything in my power to make sure that I did right by her, always.

She stirred and looked up at me with sleepy eyes and I smiled and moved some hair out of her face.

"Hey you," I whispered. "Have a good sleep?"

"Mmmmmhmmm," she sighed as she sat up. I moved to kiss her, just on the cheek, and she moved away quickly which surprised me. I furrowed my brows at her and she smiled shyly. "I need to um, use the bathroom," she said and I understood. She was up and out of the bed in no time. I stayed where I was, allowing her to do her thing and waited for her to return. Once she did, I opened my arms to her again, and she settled in eagerly.

"When do I get to meet Jasper and Rosalie?" I asked her causing her to laugh. Such a gorgeous sound. I vowed to make her laugh at least once a day for as long as she would let me.

"When they come back from vacation, I guess. They would want to meet my umm…you, as soon as possible." She blushed and I couldn't figure out why. I ran my hand down her arm and went in for the kiss she denied me before, this time a small one on the lips. It was a short soft kiss, but it was enough.

"Your what, Bella?" I questioned her quietly as I placed one hand her neck and another on her jaw.

She lay there, contemplating for what felt like forever before it finally dawned on me what she meant before. She was probably confused. She wasn't sure what to label me as.

"What are _we_?" she asked and my suspicions were confirmed.

"What do you want us to be?" I asked her.

"Ummmm…" she blushed and looked away, finding her fingers that were playing with the comforter quite interesting. I pulled her chin up for her eyes to meet mine.

"I know what I want, Bella, but I need to know how you feel about it. I know we're a little backwards," I said and we both smiled. "I'd say I want you to be my girlfriend, but I don't think that's enough," I murmured. I kissed the corner of her mouth and she smiled. "But there aren't words for what I think of you as, so I would like to go with _girlfriend_, if you'd be okay with it. Would you like to be my girlfriend, Isabella Swan?" I whispered to her, staring intently into her eyes and she nodded, slightly dazed.

"I think I'd like that very much, Edward Cullen," she said and kissed me back for a moment. We pulled away and I couldn't stop the shit-eating grin on my face. She nestled back into her spot and I wound both arms around her.

"You want to meet the family tomorrow?" she paled as I kissed her again. "They'll love you, I promise." She relaxed a little bit and settled back down.

"I feel like I already know them," she said quietly.

"Did you dream about them too?" I asked her.

"Not really. There were other people sometimes, but I couldn't see their faces. I could see yours though. All the time."

"Well, I want you to know everything about me. As much as I want to know about you, so this is a good place to start."

"Okay," she said. "Edward, I like waking up with you." She whispered and I knew exactly how she felt.

"I like waking up with you too."

* * *

**I need to be bold  
Need to jump in the cold water  
Need to grow older with a girl like you  
Finally see you are naturally  
The one to make it so easy  
When you show me the truth  
Yeah, I'd rather be with you  
Say you want the same thing too **

**Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain**  
**Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain**  
**You're the one thing that I'm missing here**  
**With you beside me I no longer fear**

**I'd Rather Be With You – Joshua Radin**

* * *

"Do I look okay?"

"Bella, It's just my family. You could wear a potato sack and they'd be happy…well, maybe not Alice, but you get the point." I told her before kissing her on the cheek.

We walked up the steps slowly and she squeezed my hand tight. I was surprised that it actually hurt a little bit, but I couldn't bring myself to care. We stopped in front of the door and she turned to me with apprehension. I took her hand in mine and brought the other up to her cheek, reminding her to breathe. I already knew that this would go well. They were there. They had known longer than she did that I loved her.

"Sweetheart, honestly. Just breathe. Everything is going to be perfect, okay?" I looked deep into her eyes so she could see the truth in them and she nodded. She shook her head as she looked away and muttered something about being stupid. "You're not stupid. Please don't say that. Look at me Bella." I actually had to wait a minute before I turned her face to mine. "It's totally normal. This is so weird, but trust me. They know you too. Remember how I told you they loved you? Well…they've been waiting to meet you. Just relax." She took a deep breath and nodded.

"I can do this,"She told me and I smiled at her.

"I know you can. I'll be right here."

I opened the door and called out once we were inside. Esme came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a towel. Her eyes lit up like Christmas when she saw the girl at my side.

"Are you _our_ Bella?" she asked.

My heart swelled with pride. My aunt had called her 'our Bella'. She was already accepted and I hoped that she heard the same thing I did in those two words.

Bella looked up at me with hesitation in her eyes and I encouraged her with a light brush of my fingertips across her cheek.

"Yep, the one and only," I told my aunt as she came towards us, enveloping us both in a hug that rivaled wrestling moves. Leaning back, she took Bella's face between her palms and said, "Let me look at you."

That made my pretty girl self conscious, but I held her hand tightly in mine, letting her know I was there.

"You really are as beautiful as he said you were. We've been waiting to meet you, you know?"

"Thank you," Bella squeaked out as I pulled her into my side. God, finally feeling her in that 'Bella Spot' was unimaginable. It was just so right.

"So, where is everyone else?"

"Your uncle is up in his office, tying up some loose ends and the kids are down in the Rec Room. Want something to drink? Hungry maybe? Dinner won't be ready for another couple of hours."

I looked down at Bella, not wanting to answer for her. She simply shook her head no, and stared in awe at the woman who stood before her. I got it in that moment. Meeting my family was going to be huge for her. She had never had people just accept her for who she was. Not once had she ever just been a part of the group, or the family, so to speak. She was about to have her mind blown.

"No, I think we'll just go see the 'kids'" I joked with my aunt. She laughed with us and I couldn't help the surge of happiness at the sound of giggling from my side. Perhaps it wouldn't be so hard to loosen her up here.

On our way down to the Rec Room, I pointed out various others along the way. She nodded in all the right places and quietly asked me questions about artwork or knick knacks, eagerly soaking up any information about us that she could.

"So, I've told you about my siblings," I said as she nodded. "Emmett's a big guy, but trust me, he's really just a great big version of Elmo, without the squeaky voice…and he isn't red. I guess he doesn't really like being tickled either," I said thoughtfully. "Well, you get my drift. He's a big softie. Maybe too soft. If he picks you up and swings you around, just kick him if he squeezes too hard. Oh and say 'Uncle'. It's the only thing that makes him stop." I looked at Bella and her eyes were wide…with fear I think. _Backtrack, Cullen_. "Okay. Maybe like a teddy bear?" I suggested and she laughed.

"You're really weird sometimes," she told me after a moment looking to me thoughtfully.

"That's because pretty girls make me nervous," I said before kissing her on the nose.

"Oh, is Alice pretty?" she asked causing me to roll my eyes.

"She is, but not as pretty as this other girl I know. More annoying too."

As if on cue, the door to the rec room opened, and my own personal tiny teletubby stood before us with a megawatt grin ear to ear, looking simple as all hell. Jesus did I ever love my sister.

"Bella! So I know that I only get to be your second best friend, but I'm okay with that. Has Edward been good to you? What am I saying? Of course he's been good to you! He loves you. Did he show you around? Oh my God there's so much to do and learn! Where do we-"

"Jesus, Alice! Give her a chance to think for a second, would ya?" She managed to get all of that out in a single breath, and while I was impressed, Bella looked as though her head would explode at any moment and I laughed.

"Sorry, this is just so exciting! We've heard so much about you," Alice said, engulfing Bella in yet another vice grip hug. Perhaps I should have mentioned to her that my family was full of huggy people.

"I've heard a lot about you too," she told my sister. "I'm excited but umm, geez Alice. You're pretty strong!" she squeaked out.

Alice let go immediately and answered the glare I gave her with a sheepish look.

"Let's go to the family room. We can all get to know each other there," I told them both. I noticed that Emmett was holding back and staying out of the conversations and it confused the shit out of me. I raised an eyebrow at him and he just shook his head. Alice joyfully took Bella by the hand towards the family room, and I hung back to find out what the deal was. He watched them go, and I watched him.

"What the fuck, Emmett?" I asked once we were in the clear. "This isn't you at all."

"Dude, I saw it. I saw the way you looked at her. I didn't want to fuck that up by being me," he said mournfully as he put his fist up to pound which I refused to acknowledge. No way was I about to allow people to go changing their personalities for us.

"Emmett," I said as he dropped his arm in defeat. "Did you see what Alice just did? Don't change who you are, man. The Bella I knew before, she loved you and you loved her. You would gladly kick an ass or two for her while making an ass of yourself along the way."

"That was the Bella you knew before, Bro."

"Yes, well the Bella I know now, the one that counts? She is even stronger than that Bella. She smiles more, she laughs more, and she sees a little more beauty in the world. Don't ever think for a second that you have to lose yourself because of me."

"Well, you know. I just didn't want to scare her and I know I can be a pretty over-bearing guy," I laughed because it was true and clapped him on the shoulder.

"Seriously, Em. Go meet her. I think you could be just what she needs," I told him.

He nodded and then took off for the family room while I took a moment just to breathe. I figured I would give them a couple minutes to adjust, for her to learn what she needed to before invading whatever was going on. I knew they would all love her to pieces. I wasn't worried about that. I was mostly worried about how she would take the attention she would be receiving.

As I made my way to the kitchen using the back set of stairs, I thought about how this visit would make things almost complete. It was like she was the thing that had always been missing from our family. The one thing that could finish the puzzle. It was important to me that she fit with them as much as she fit with me.

I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and took a good swig, then chuckled at the absurdity of my siblings. Alice was her usual self, and Em, well ,he was trying to be good for her. I shook my head and chuckled at his idiocy. Why the man thought he had to change to meet this girl I would never know. I guess they really did have quite the long lead-in to this moment. They'd been waiting since the day I woke up to meet her.

I went towards the family room when I heard laughter and stopped to lean in the doorway with a smile on my face. There sat Bella, nestled in between Alice and Esme, Emmett leaning on the back of the couch they were sitting on and looking through a photo album. I assumed they were embarrassing pictures of me as a child but I couldn't have cared less. If she was happy, I was. And good Lord was she ever happy. She was giggling and pointing and even blushing. Emmett's big voice was interjecting the usual dumb remarks and then he put his hand on her shoulder. I held my breath as he laid it there, wondering what her reaction would be. She slowly turned her head towards him and then lifted her own hand to rest upon his. Their smiles were infectious, and I could see it.

I could finally see life with this girl as a reality. Part of my family, part of _our_ family. I locked eyes suddenly with Carlisle, who was sitting in an armchair across from the rest of them and he nodded towards them and winked at me. Approval all around and happiness to boot.

"It's nice to see you all having fun with Bella, but I'd like to steal her away for a bit if I could," I piped in, and four sets of eyes looked my way. "Just for a bit. Or has she been stolen from me already?" I smirked at them and Bella laughed.

"Come on, Edward, you get all the time with her," Alice whined, and yes I mean whined.

"Oh he'll bring her back in one piece I'm sure, little sis. You still have time to get your hands on her," Emmett said. I nodded to him in thanks and also acknowledging that I'd seen him interacting and felt much better about it.

"No funny business now, you two," Esme joked and Bella's face went beet fucking red.

"Alright," I said as I took Bella's hand and helped her off the couch. "That's enough from the peanut gallery."

"It was nice to start to get to know you all," she said turning towards the couch. "Thank you for letting me into your lives, even if it's only because he's making you," she said pointing at me, looking serious as hell.

The entire family started refuting her comments, as I knew they would and I just let out a heavy sigh beside her and leaned down to whisper in her ear.

"That was all them, love. Take it graciously or they'll make you," I chuckled and kissed her cheek.

"Sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to say that I wasn't grateful or anything," she said quietly.

"Oh we didn't take offense at that!" Alice chimed in, "We took offense to the fact that you don't seem to think much of yourself."

"Okay guys, I'm taking Bella on a tour. That should give you time to find another embarrassing photo album or two, maybe come up with a few more stories to tell about me."

Bella sunk her head into my shoulder as I brought my arm around her shoulder and led her out of the room.

"They like you," I told her and she looked up at me and grinned.

"I like them too."

"Good. I think we're all going to be spending lots of time together," I told her.

We walked up the stairs to the second floor and I showed her all of the rooms along the way. Though none of us kids lived in the house anymore, all of our rooms were still intact should the need arise for them. They were used often as well if we ever chose to stay the night when we came to visit. When we got to the end of the hallway and came to the set of stairs that led to the third floor, where my bedroom was located, I looked down at my pretty girl with a devilish grin.

"What?" she asked.

"Jump on my back," I told her and her eyes got wide. "What? It could be fun. Do you trust me?"

"You know I do," She scoffed.

"Then hop on," I said and turned so she could. "If you don't, I might just have to do it myself." She looked at me dubiously for a beat too long so I turned back around and easily threw her over my shoulder as she let out a squeal.

"Edward no! Put me down!" She yelled through her laughter as her tiny ineffectual fists beat on my back.

"I told you, Miss Swan, I just couldn't wait any longer," I said as I ran up the stairs and she held on for dear life. Once I reached the top of the stairs I sat her down and she started righting her clothes. I took a step closer and put one hand to her cheek. "You looked beautiful down there, Bella, when you were laughing with my family," I told her quietly. She put her hand on my own and looked up at me through her lashes.

"I really want them to like me," she giggled. I loved that sound. It was so fucking precious. "I saw you naked, you know."

I looked at her in shock and then realized it was probably a picture of me in the bathtub as a child or something. I shook my head at her and then opened the door to my room.

"Come on, Swan. Let's visit the last stop on the tour."

My bedroom was the only room on the third floor, along with a rarely used guest room across the way. I rested my hand on her lower back and led her in ahead of me and I stopped just inside the doorway. She continued her way in and then turned around to question with her eyes why I hadn't followed her in.

"This is my room," I told her quietly. She made to come back to me like she was invading my space and I put a hand up to stop her. "No. Go ahead. Take a look around. Everything in here is me and I want you to know all of it."

She nodded and smiled brightly at me before turning towards the dresser to see what I had on top of there. Leaning against yet another doorway, just watching her in my environment, it felt like home. She looked so natural walking around my room, to the side of my bed, picking things up and shyly asking me questions. I answered every one of them truthfully and finally went to lie on my bed with my arms behind my head. When Bella decided that she had thoroughly seen enough of my things, she came towards the bed and eyed me questioningly. I quietly laughed and pulled my left arm out from behind my head, opening up to her and she crawled into the available spot, laying her head on my chest above my heart. Closing my arm back around her, I knew it. I was home.

I was awakened by a flash sometime later and I looked up to see my aunt standing in the doorway with a camera in hand.

"You two were sleeping. It was so adorable."

I laughed and tightened my grip on the still-sleeping girl in my arms, yes arms, as in both arms had come around her in our impromptu nap.

"You be good to her. I love her like she's my own already," My aunt said and I nodded my head in understanding.

"Wouldn't have it any other way, Esme. I don't exactly plan on letting this one go," I said as Bella woke up for the second time in my arms.

* * *

Chapter Notes: GO THEM! *licks* Reviews are love...leave one!


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Chapter unedited until further notice!

More at the bottom!

* * *

**We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own  
**

**We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone**

**If I lay here**  
**If I just lay here**  
**Would you lie with me**  
**And just forget the world?**

**I don't quite know**  
**How to say**  
**How I feel**

**Those three words**  
**Are said too much**  
**They're not enough**

**If I lay here**  
**If I just lay here**  
**Would you lie with me**  
**And just forget the world?**

**Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol**

* * *

Dinner was mostly uneventful as I had hoped it would be. Bella fit in almost seamlessly with my family, and it felt nice. I guess it helped that everybody felt like they already knew each other. She was still petrified as shit, but she was no longer alone. She had all of us.

We didn't touch on the whole boyfriend/girlfriend label thing with the family. Thankfully it was never brought up, and we, at least I never had any inclination to share. I know for a fact that Bella felt as though we were moving at lightning speed and I wanted to keep her as calm as possible. This was a massive step. She had never been involved in a relationship like this and it needed to be taken slowly. The only reason we'd even had the whole label discussion was because she wanted to know.

Esme was sending us off with food to keep us fed, as she decided that kids out on their own in the world never ate properly. I couldn't disagree with here there. I looked over and noticed Bella's apprehension at taking the food and took both packages from my aunt under the guise of only being a gentleman, not ensuring that my girlfriend doesn't have a panic attack in front of my entire family, embarrassing her to death.

"Now you kids come back. It was so nice to finally meet you, Bella. Keep him in line, would ya?" Esme said and then winked at Bella.

"You too, Mrs. Cullen, I mean…Esme. I'll see what I can do. He seems to be pretty good at keeping himself in line though," she said and I smirked. From one seemingly crazy person to another that was a very high compliment in and of itself.

"Good, now Edward, remember what I told you?" she said and scrutinized me closely.

"Yes ma'am and I will call you I promise," I told her rolling my eyes. "Now if you don't mind, we have a long drive home, and I'd like to be getting Bella home some time tonight rather than tomorrow, If you don't mind. I hate driving at night."

She gave us both hugs and sent us on our way making us promise to come back soon. As we were on our way out the door, Alice and Emmett came to say their goodbyes as well.

"So when do we all get to meet the famous Jasper and Rosalie?" Em asked with a twinkle in his eye. Basically, in his mind, he was asking her when he got to meet his future hottie of a girlfriend. He was such a tool sometimes.

"They get in late tonight or early tomorrow morning, so I guess if they're not busy it can be soon." She said a hint of sadness in her eyes.

Alice clapped and jumped around like an idiot, while Bella stared at her wide-eyed. It was as if she wanted to figure out how to turn the damn wind up toy off. What she didn't know is that very much like a wind up toy, Alice was one of those things that you had to let run its course.

"I can't wait! I just know we'll all get along great!" Alice squeaked out. Bella smiled, I rolled my eyes, all very usual reactions.

"Alright, we'll see you guys later. Let's get on the road, pretty girl," I said reclaiming her hand and leading us out to the Volvo. We had some things to discuss on the way home to pass the time.

"It was nice meeting all of you," Bella called out a decibel higher and squeezed my hand for reassurance.

"You too! We'll see you in Seattle Bella!" Alice called out and Emmett waved like the goofy douche he was.

We made it to the car and I, as always, opened her door and made sure that all her parts were safely inside before closing it. I noticed Esme running outside still trying to slip on one of her shoes, so I met her halfway. She looked hysterical. Her caramel hair was being windblown all over the place and I was pretty sure I heard her curse at her shoe. It was very unlike my aunt.

"Where's the fire, Esme?" I asked as I got a little closer.

"Edward, I'm glad I didn't miss you. Remember what I asked you please. I know I said so inside before, but I want to hear for sure."

"Calm down. I absolutely promise you that if I see any kind of variance I'll call you right away," I looked back to the car to see Bella watching us and I just wanted to get back to her. "Trust me. I'll watch her like a hawk. No way will it get any worse on my watch."

"Okay," Esme frowned and also glanced back to the vehicle. "She's a good girl. Show her that will ya? And bring her back soon. She's going to carry my grandbabies one day and I wa-"

I put up a hand to stop her and cringed.

"Really, auntie? Babies already? Are we allowed to know each other a little longer first?" We both laughed and my aunt placed her hand on my arm, leaning up to whisper in my ear.

"I can see the love in both your eyes, Edward. What did I tell you? One touch. That's all it takes."

I nodded, giving her one last hug and went to jump in the front seat of the car. Bella was looking at me with a million questions in her eyes. I took her hand and brought it up to my lips. "She wanted to make sure that I kept you safe," I told her quietly. "She sees you as one of us already. That's all that was. Don't be nervous." I waited for her conformational nod and we set off, keeping a hold of her hand. Once we were on the highway, I figured out a way to get to know each other.

"Want to play twenty questions?" I asked her and she smiled. "You go first."

There was a contemplative silence at my side as Bella decided what she should go for first. To be honest, she could ask me anything. Anything at all. I wouldn't lie. It wasn't like I had anything to hide. I was already batshit crazy anyways.

"Tell me about 'Easy Stanley'," she asked. I chuckled but there was no amusement on her face at all.

"Well, Easy Stanley, from what I know, moved to Forks when she was in the ninth grade and her mother remarried. She gained quite the reputation…whether it was made up of falsities or truths I have no idea. I do, however, know that I was a victim to the shitstorm that is Jessica Stanley.

"Jess and I, we dated for a bit. I always assumed she was in it for, well, you know. I was just too nice I guess. One night, I went over to her house, and we were planning on studying. I was anyways. She had entirely different plans, as I found out later on. I played along for a bit. We kissed…a lot, and while I wasn't really attracted to her that way, I was a seventeen year old boy. Things got a little heavy, and then clothes started being discarded," I noticed the uncomfortable look on Bella's face and regretted having to tell her even this. As trivial as it was, it was something so foreign to her.

* * *

"_Come on, Eddie. Put the books away," Jess said as she batted her long eyelashes at me and ran her hand up my leg. I pulled her in for a kiss, the open text book still on my lap and she moaned into my mouth the second I gave in. I knew we wouldn't take this too far, but what exactly did she want?_

_She pulled on my hair at the back of my head hard and I groaned, half in pain, the other half turned on. I was a teenage boy. It was what we did. Before I knew it, I was easing her down to the bed and was about to move on top of her but she stopped me._

"_It's hot in here. Don't you think it's hot in here?" she asked and pulled off her shirt from the bottom revealing her breasts to me in her lacey barely there red bra. Don't get me wrong, I'd seen boobs before. I had the magazines to prove it, but come on, these were real life boobs. Right there. She started to pull at my shirt and I let her take it off of me. I brought my mouth back to hers until we both needed some air and I moved down to her neck and collarbone._

_I knew I should be stopping, but I couldn't. Everything was just so new._

"_What if your parents hear us?" I asked her and she shook her head._

"_PTA meeting," she said breathily and wrapped my hair in her fingers once again. It spurred me on and I started to move further down her chest. I felt her hand on my belt, and that's when I grabbed her hand._

"_What are you doing?" I asked her._

"_Well, I'm no expert, babydoll, but in order for you to put your peen in my pocket, we kind of have to be wearing a little less clothes."_

_And that's when the mood was killed and I politely grabbed my shirt and told her that I just couldn't do it, it wasn't right. She called me a pussy, and I retorted that at least that was a better word than 'pocket'._

* * *

"The next day somehow, the rumor was that I had had Miss Stanley numerous times in several different positions. We were then dubbed 'Easy Stanley' and 'Womanizer Edward'. She got her title due to the fact that anyone who wanted her had her after that, and I promptly broke up with her. How dare I 'do and ditch', as they called it."

I rolled my eyes and glanced at the stunned look on her face.

"I'm still a virgin, Bella." Puzzlement replaced the shock and I chuckled. "Didn't I tell you that before?" I asked her.

"No…n-no I don't think you did." She said, her eyes carefully looking anywhere but at me.

And I knew that we would run into this problem somewhere. The difference between what we'd discussed in dreams compared to real life. I suddenly felt like an idiot.

"Hey, it's okay. It's my fault. Things are still confusing," she nodded. "Did I answer your question sufficiently?" Her nodding increased and I gathered that she never wanted to hear the words Easy Stanley again. I know I didn't. "So is it my turn now?"

"I suppose it is." She said and finally met my eyes for a second before I had to look back at the road. I decided to start with something I thought was somewhat easy (no pun intended) on her.

"You're a genius," I stated rather than asked.

"That isn't a question," she said quietly.

"Perceptive. You don't miss anything do you?"

"No. And the answer is yes," she said rolling her eyes and pouting. Turns out the genius thing was a sore subject. Add that to the list of things to always remember.

"Well, I have to ask. Your truck. It's…disturbing, really," There was another silence.

"That isn't a question either."

She was starting to sound aggravated so I decided to just get it out.

"Well, I get that it's expensive and all, and you're in school…hold on, you are in school right?"

"This is a very detailed and intricate question, Edward," I liked the fact that she didn't feel the need to edit herself with me. She was so much more open when it was just the two of us. I laughed quietly and squeezed her hand once more. "Online," she told me softly. "I take my classes online." I nodded.

"Maybe you could just look up how to fix your truck, I bet it wouldn't be that hard to do," and I winced. I sounded like an asshole. The car instantly became soberingly silent, and I couldn't handle how uncomfortable it felt. "Or I mean, we could do it together. Maybe I could get it fixed and you could pay me back…I didn't mean to sound rude, I was only thinking of your safety, Be-"

"I know how to fix the damn truck, Edward," she whispered and I looked at her quickly in shock. Then why did she keep it that way? And why did she seem so ashamed about it? I decided to just let her take this at her own pace as I rubbed her hand gently with my thumb. "It's a stupid reason," she mumbled and pulled her hand away. I felt the rejection instantly, and my hand just kind of hovered there. What the hell can of worms had I opened up and how did I make it stop growing?

"It's okay, Bella, you don't have to te-"

"My neighbor, the one in 28…Jake," she stopped and gave me a knowing look. "He's a mechanic. I thought…" she trailed off and I was no closer to an explanation. I reached out and ran a finger down her cheek, afraid to do much more, and on its way back to my side, she boldly made the move to grab it and hold in her own. "I thought," she shook her head and looked out the passenger window, "that maybe if I just let it go, that maybe, just maybe he'd notice it, notice me. I don't know, maybe offer to help."

Things fell into place and I felt so sick inside.

"Do you like him, Bella?" I asked, not really wanting to know, but knowing I should. If that was where she wanted to be, I had no right holding on to her the way I was.

She was so quiet. I couldn't look at her out of fear of what I would see there. Maybe she would be upset about how I had been so protective about her. Maybe she just thought that this would be the easy way to let the mental patient down easy. Had she just been stringing me along? Jesus I was insecure lately. My thoughts were broken by the small girl beside me clearing her throat and then speaking so quietly I almost had to strain to hear.

"No…not like that. I just wanted someone. Anyone new to notice me. I think I just wanted a friend. I'm not very good at initiating that kind of thing," she said and we finally looked at each other briefly. My eyes returned to the road, and hers to her window. "Just someone," she whispered.

"You have someone now, Bella, " I told her and brought the fingers of her left hand once again to my lips, this time lingering on her ring finger, remembering dreams I'd had and shook them away quickly. Not the time, Cullen. She nodded and I noticed there were a few stray tears rolling down her cheek. I moved our hands to wipe them away, but didn't let go of hers. I wanted her to know I was here for her. To comfort her and be her rock, just as she was mine.

"Can I ask you a question, Edward?"

"We are playing twenty questions, miss," I smirked at her and she gave me a small half smile. That shit just made this drive a whole lot better. "Anything you want, Bella."

"Does your family know about my…problems?"

"They assume, because although many things are different than they were in here," I brought our fingers up to the side of my head and she giggled, "than they are here," I said and squeezed her hand tightly, "they still know everything that happened while I was asleep. I had to tell them, to keep me sane in here," and I brought our entwined hands up to my heart. She untangled our fingers and then did the sweetest thing. She laid her palm flat against my heart, and I placed mine over hers.

"You have a big heart, you know?" she said and I smiled. I wanted to cry, but that shit wasn't what dudes did, so instead I gave her the biggest smile I had. "Is that why Esme gave me the food?" she asked and cocked her head. I knew I had to answer his question carefully, but quickly.

I shook my head and once again entwined our hands bringing them down between us. "She gave you the food because she does that every time her kids come around."

"I'm not one of her kids, though," she scoffed.

"Silly girl, of course you are. Now was this what you wanted to ask?"

She shook her head and I nodded. That was what I assumed. It was implied that the question she wanted to ask me was far more crucial than why my aunt gave her food.

"I don't want to ask that question anymore," she said and I sighed. When would she learn?

"You don't have to, but I'd like to hear it."

She was nearly inaudible when she asked if she could stay at my house tonight and I was one step away from squealing like those fucking fan girls again. Only this time it was real. She wanted to stay with me.

"Of course," I breathed and I heard her deep sigh of relief.

"I wasn't sure if you thought it would be creepy or weird…me asking you that. I didn't-"

"Shhhh, Bella. I was going to ask you anyways."

* * *

We made it to the house and it was already almost midnight. I told Bella I would show her around properly in the morning, but we were both tired and needed a good nights sleep. I led her up to my bedroom, and as she had no clothes with her, gave her a t-shirt of mine and a pair of sweatpants. She smiled shyly and was unsure of how to take it.

"It's okay. I don't mind. You'll be uncomfortable in your jeans," I told her. I had absolutely no ulterior motive of seeing her in my clothing again. No. None at all. Especially not a shirt that had my surname on the back…

Douche.

"Thank you," she said and went to change in the bathroom. I hastily changed into a set of my own sleep wear, a pair of black boxer briefs and a plain white t-shirt, and sat on the edge waiting for her to come out. When she did, I was momentarily stunned.

Bella had set her long hair free and it was trailing down around her shoulders, her eyes cast downward as she tugged on the too big shirt. The legs of the sweats were rolled up a few notches, and the waist rolled down to keep them on her. Fucking beautiful.

"Come here," I said, and held my arm out to her. She came slowly, but eagerly and I wrapped my arm around her bring her lips down to mine for a short kiss on the lips, which surprisingly, I had to be the one to pull away from. "Ready for bed?"

"Yes," she said and that was all I needed to hear.

I rolled down the sheets and the comforter and let her choose a side. She crawled in, and I did the same beside her. Everything was awkward for only a beat and then we fell magically into place. I lay on my back, and my pretty girl moved so that her head was on my chest. I wrapped my left arm around her cradling her there and she moved her left hand up to my chest where I rested my right on top of hers. We looked into each others eyes for a long moment and she looked away first. I wanted to look into those eyes forever. They were a fucking lifeline.

"Don't hide your eyes from me," I murmured and she instantly looked back up at me and gasped. All I wanted to do was tell her that I loved her. That there was no turning back for me. That if she walked away, she would take the very heart that she was resting on away with her. But I didn't want to scare her. Instead I asked why she was sad when Emmett asked about Jasper and Rosalie.

I said that it would be soon if they weren't busy," I remembered this. "Truth is, they're never busy. Rosalie never got to have a life because of us."

She looked sad again, and I didn't like sad Bella. I told her that any friends of hers were undoubtedly friends of mine, and that they were welcome here anytime. I couldn't wait to meet the people behind the dreams. We both fell into an easy sleep and I couldn't have been happier where I was or who I was with.

When I woke up there was no disorientation at all. I knew full well that I was in my bed, with my girl, and she was wearing my clothes. Things were fucking fantastic. What wasn't so fantastic was the morning wood I was sporting due to all the above reasons. This needed to be fixed, and discreetly.

Making sure that Bella was still sleeping, I gently pulled away from her and found my bearings on the floor. I heard her phone buzzing somewhere in the room, but thought nothing of it, letting her sleep instead. Looking at the en suite bathroom, I knew that no way in hell would that be a safe place to let the swimmers go ashore, and decided that the downstairs bathroom was the only way to go. I took one last look at Bella and knew I had to go as quickly as possible.

I quietly made my way downstairs and started a pot of coffee before beginning my morning risqué endeavors. Laying out two mugs and a spoon, I quickly made my way into the room and dropped the boxers immediately. Herman did a fucking jumping jack for joy as I set him free. Yeah, I'd named it, alright? What sort of man doesn't name their 'peen', as Jessica so eloquently put it all those years ago.

As I wrapped my hand around it and moved, I thought about her. Not Jessica, Bella, of course. It felt wrong at first. She was such an innocent. I was too, but that wasn't the point. Was it wrong to touch yourself thinking about your slightly fucked up girlfriend that doesn't think you're crazy even though you are? At some point it got impossible to think about anything but her lips on mine and hands in places I had only dreamed of. I could hear myself getting louder and briefly wondered what the hell I would do if I got caught. Once again, didn't matter. I was on the edge and all I had to think about her lips touching Herman and that was it. Done. Finito. And not at all quietly either.

It occurred to me that I was in the bathroom much longer than I had planned to be, and with making the pit stop to make the coffee first, that added even more time on. Bella could have been awake and wondering where the hell I went.

I tucked myself back in and wiped the mess up as best I could. Now I wasn't experienced, not by any means, I mean this yes...the real thing? Not so much. I tried to imagine what it would be like as I washed my hands making sure all evidence was gone from every surface, and I came up with nothing.

All I knew was that anything with Bella Swan had to be fucking magical...or at least like, mind blowing.

I dried my hands and left the bathroom whistling, stopping dead in my tracks when I saw a very bright very squirmy Bella sitting at the counter in the kitchen. The kitchen that was right next to the bathroom. The bathroom that I had just been in...

Right next to her stood both of my siblings, not even trying to suppress their laughter and a slack jawed Rosalie and Jasper. When and how the hell did they all get here?

Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

* * *

WHO CAN SPOT THE MOVIE REFERENCE IN THIS CHAPTER?

**Chapter Notes:** There it finally is *licks* Didn't think I would let ya down, did ya?

Big thanks this chapter to all of the people that helped me out with the writers block. Emily, Hayley, Lea, you guys are the shit! Seriously.

FIY reached 1000 reviews and I was all :O *shocked* in case ffn decides to take the shocked guy away from me.

FIY is also nom'd for a couple of awards in the Hidden Star Awards. The voting for this round ends tomorrow I believe, well, the 14th.

LadyTazz made FIY its own thread over at Twilighted located in the AH forum. Check it out!

The Wayward Pushers are hosting an "I'm With the Band O/S contest" Check out the blog for details!


	24. Chapter 24

****PAUSE****

**Update notifications when I updated 23 were iffy. If you have no idea who Herman is, you may want to read the last chapter!**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Chapter edited by Kiva !

More at the bottom!

**Don't know why I'm still afraid  
If you weren't real I would make you up  
now  
I wish that I could follow through  
I know that your love is true  
And deep  
As the sea  
But right now  
Everything you want is wrong,  
And right now  
All your dreams are waking up,  
And right now  
I wish I could follow you  
To the shores  
Of freedom,  
Where no one lives.**

**But right now  
Everything is turning blue,  
And right now  
The sun is trying to kill the moon,  
And right now  
I wish I could follow you  
To the shores  
Of freedom,  
Where no one lives**

**Honey and the Moon – Joseph Arthur**

* * *

_In the real world…_

**awk·ward** (ôkwrd)

_adj._

**1. **Not graceful; ungainly.

**2. **

**a. **Not dexterous; clumsy.

**b. **Clumsily or unskillfully performed: _The opera was marred by an awkward aria._

**3. **

**a. **Difficult to handle or manage: _an awkward bundle to carry._

**b. **Difficult to effect; uncomfortable: _an awkward pose._

**4. **

**a. **Marked by or causing embarrassment or discomfort: _an awkward remark; an awkward silence._

**b. **Requiring great tact, ingenuity, skill, and discretion: _An awkward situation arose during the peace talks._

_In my world…_

Awk-ward

Adj.

**EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN**

I was pretty sure there was even a picture of me sitting right next to the entry. Don't believe me? You can Google it.

The tension in the air was palpable. First of all, this was not how I had intended to actually meet Bella's family, and second of all, this was not the first time my brother had caught me wanking. I looked around the room, carefully avoiding Bella on my sweep the first time around. I briefly wondered if Rose wanted to punt me as much in this life as she did in my dream life. Once again, Herman did a tuck and roll just at the thought.

The question was, how the hell were they all here, and how much had they actually heard? Judging by the reactions, it must have been enough. I shook my head and ran my hand through my hair, opening and closing my mouth like a goddamned fish, not having a clue what to say. After finally deciding what to say, I made eye contact with Bella for the first time, wondering what she now thought of her boyfriend.

"So, I would offer you all breakfast, but I'm actually going to go die now…" I said as I retreated from the kitchen for the solace of my bedroom.

I heard soft footsteps following me, and was too embarrassed to see who might have even been behind me. As soon as I heard her quietly say "Sorry, Edward," I knew it was Bella. She muttered the apology as if it was all her fault. Perhaps I was being a bit melodramatic, but this was not how I had intended to meet Bella's friends, nor was it how I envisioned the morning going. I reached behind me, grabbing Bella's hand and squeezed it reassuringly, letting her know that she had nothing to be sorry about.

"Hey Eddie, come on now. I'd tell you to say 'Hi' to Herman for me, but it seems you already did," I heard Emmett call out and rolled my eyes.

"Who the hell is Herman?" A female voice asked and I closed my eyes.

"More importantly, who are you two?" My sister asked, so I figured that entire sordid story would come out without me there to buffer it. I couldn't bear to listen to it anymore so I blocked it out, pulling Bella into my side and kissing the top of her head.

"I'm the one that should be sorry," I told her and she stiffened in my grasp. "I mean, that wasn't the most gentlemanly thing for me to have done…" I felt her fall back into a more comfortable stature as we walked and I kissed the top of her head again. "Come, let's escape the insanity for a bit and let them figure their shit out."

I should have been worried that two people I knew nothing about were downstairs in my kitchen with my siblings. I should have been less of an asshole and not walked away from the entire situation. I should have willed the morning wood away, and none of this shit would have happened as it did. But that, my friends, is easier said than done.

"Rose was worried," Bella blurted out as I opened the door to my room and led her towards the bed to sit. "I woke up to my phone buzzing and there were seven missed calls between her and Jasper. They came back and couldn't reach me and they were worried. So I told her where I was. I'm sorry, it's just that you said that they were welcome here anytime, and Rose, she just…she wouldn't let it go, so I told here where you lived and then-," I pressed my finger to her lips to cut her off.

"Pretty girl, calm down. You're going to give yourself an aneurysm." She closed her mouth and looked sheepishly down at the mess of sheets we were currently sitting on. I noticed she was still wearing my clothes and felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. Oh shit. How bad would this look on her? Here she was at a veritable strangers' house, wearing his clothes, while he whacks off in the downstairs bathroom. "Everything will be just fine. When did Alice and Emmett get here?" I asked and she shrugged.

"They were already here when I went downstairs," she mumbled. I hated seeing her so uncomfortable, and she still wouldn't look me in the eyes. That was when the realization dawned on me that I was causing her discomfort and I unwound my arm from her waist, leaning my head into the palms of my hands. "Alice said they were here to take you out for lunch, and then I was here, and they were surprised. Emmett said some things, and then there was a knock on the door, and it was Jasper and Rose, so I figured we could all go into the kitchen…"

"What did Emmett say to you?" I asked her. She just shrugged and looked the other way. "Bella what did he say?" I knew my brother; he was crass and had absolutely zero filter between his brain and his mouth.

"He just said that it was nice to see that you got lucky already…" And there it was. Every last person downstairs now assumed that I had slept with Bella, and not in the sense that actually happened. Fuck my life. And then, oh then they get the lovely show of me pulling Herman and probably calling out Bella's name a few times in the process.

Fuck. My. Life.

"Look, Bella, I know you are probably thoroughly disgusted by me right now," I began as she looked up at me with a tinge of worry in her eyes. I held the contact as I continued. "Don't you dare let anybody think something that isn't true about you. Do not let them make you feel like what we did is wrong. It isn't wrong. What I did was, but not you. And you're right, I did say that your friends were welcome over anytime." Her eyes dropped down to the mattress and I lifted her chin so I could cup her cheek in my hand to reassure her. "Bella, it's fine. I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of them, though," I felt my cheeks heat up at this admission. I did feel really bad about that.

"Was that…ummm…did you have to do that because of me?" she asked so quietly I barely heard her. I smiled at her and nodded, not knowing what the hell else to do. She was so innocent, maybe even fragile, but she deserved to know what she did to me.

"We don't have to talk about his now, okay?" I rubbed the back of my neck and then put my arm around her once more. "Does this bother you?" I asked her, squeezing her side. She looked up at me in pure confusion. "You know, just because of…well, nevermind."

I smoothed down Bella's hair and planted a chaste kiss on her lips before suggesting we go sort out the mess in the lion's den. She agreed and we began to make our way slowly down the stairs. I hated eavesdropping, but I wanted to know what we were walking into before we got there.

"So you're the family from the dreams, huh?" Rosalie asked. I assumed it was Rosalie since I knew Alice's voice and that was not it. Alice was the one to reply though.

"I'm sorry? I was going to ask you the same thing…"

Oh good, they were just getting to the point of finding out that the people they knew were insane. Lovely.

"Bella, she's been having these dreams…she helped some guy who was in a car accident, totally out of character for her by the way." The moment I heard those words I looked down at Bella in shock. She just shrugged as we slowly continued our way down. "She told us she was drawn to buddy for whatever reason…Anyways, after that she began having these dreams. She started getting help for some problems she had and she would actually leave the house. It was weird. We had to go away on vacation, and normally Bella would have come with us, she's part of the family, you know, but she refused. Said she was scared she would lose the pull if she was too far away…"

Bella looked completely embarrassed, but I was in awe of her. Her friend was in the other room, revealing entirely too much about her to people that she didn't even know. But they were things I wanted and needed to know about her. My brother piped up and that was when I decided we should probably step in.

"Well then, maybe it isn't so fucked up that my baby brother there practically had them married in his dreams…"

"Alright guys, enough with the commentary. We're here now. So first things first. Introductions?" I said as I entered the kitchen, greeted with a whooping laugh from my brother.

"First things first, douche. Care to explain your morning shenanigans with a girl that you've known for all of two days, who happened to be traipsing around the house in your clothes?" Emmett challenged, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"It's not how it looks, Em. Lay off it, alright?" Bella gripped me a little tighter and I rolled my eyes - not at her but at Emmett. Was my brother seriously so retarded that he couldn't see that this shit was a little weird for her?

"Two days, Bella? You've known him two days? And he's already gotten in your pants? I'm going to rip his balls off, I swear to God," Rosalie said, causing me to cinch my eyes closed once more.

"Rose," Bella hissed. "Shut up. You know me better than that!"

"Also, I'm right here, you can threaten _me_ bodily harm if you like," I added.

It was then I noticed that Alice and Jasper hadn't said a thing. I looked between the two of them and I saw it. It had already happened. They were just staring at each other. I felt like I was intruding on some private moment so I looked away. I was happy though. They were so meant for each other.

"Okay, so, introductions? Or does everybody already know each other?" I asked.

"Oh we've made our own introductions, little bro. Now about that breakfast you offered…I could definitely go for some sausage," Emmett said, wiggling his eyebrows. What a douche.

Bella pulled away from me and went to Rosalie, whispering something in her ear. Rosalie's glaring eyes did not leave my face, but they did start to soften after a bit and the girl nodded to Bella, giving her a hug that looked like a promise.

"So…I wasn't exactly expecting to feed an army this morning," I smirked at the contrite faces in front of me. "what does everyone say about going out for breakfast and maybe airing out some of our issues together? In peace." What I was really thinking was In public, where Rose couldn't strangle me and Alice and Jasper couldn't mount each other. God, they were already touching and it was weird. So weird. I hadn't even heard them talk to each other yet.

"I need clothes," Bella whispered looking around sheepishly. I placed my palm to my forehead in frustration and looked at the girls for help. Alice always travelled with clothes. She said she was never sure if there would ever be a need. She took a change of clothes with her to the grocery store for Christ sake. Now the issue would be prying her away from Jasper. I cleared my throat and they finally looked our way. With Jasper out of his Alice-induced trance he now looked like he wanted to fix my hair. That put me at ease.

"Al, do you have an extra set of clothes with you?" I asked and she nodded happily. "Would you mind if Bella maybe borrowed it?" She then became spastic. I was just stunned.

"Oh my God. Yes, of course!" she said, eyeing Bella. I was guessing she was tyring to figure out her size. "You look to be just about right. They'll fit. Come with me! We can sort this out in no time!" She bounded over and tried to drag an unwilling Bella away with her. I put up a hand to tell Al to back off for a second and wait.

"It's only Alice, you've met her. Everything will be fine. Don't let her do anything you don't want her to, okay? She can be retarded when it comes to 'fashion'," I teased in a whisper to Bella.

"Okay. Thank you, Edward," She said before kissing me on the cheek and relinquishing her grip on my arm to be taken away by the crazy one. Once they left, I ran a hand through my hair and looked around. They all looked so expectant and I didn't know what they wanted.

"So did ya bang her?" Emmett asked bluntly. I was about to punch him in the face when,surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, depending on how you looked at it, Rosalie beat me to it by hitting him in the arm. "What? It was an honest question."

"Moron," I muttered before directing my attention to both Jasper and Rosalie. "I will have you both know that nothing illicit went on here. We've only found each other two days ago, but this goes so much deeper. Please trust me when I say that I only have the best of intentions, and yes, Rosalie, before you ask, people do still talk that way." She rolled her eyes and I smiled. "Jasper, you are her best friend. She needs support right now, because things are so fucked up."

"I know. I just, I have no idea what the hell is going on at all. How did you two meet, anyways?" he asked, still eyeing my hair.

"Just tell me to fix it, Jasper. I know its freaking you out," I said as I tried my best to flatten and place my hair. He looked at me in shock and I just chuckled. "As for how we met, I can't say for sure. But I guess it was when she told me to stay strong because help was on its way," I shrugged. "I think it was just meant to be all along."

And it was the truth. I guess that is how we first met. It would be quite the story to tell our children someday. Children. What was with us Cullen's and bringing up children far too early in life? I smiled to myself because the thought of children with Bella made me go all fucking pussy on the inside.

"Well, that's all very cute of you, but I swear to God, if you hurt her-."

"I know, Rose. My balls understand that they will no longer have a home if I fuck this up. Trust me." Oddly, I wasn't afraid of her this time around and I couldn't help the smug look on my face brought on by her annoyed expression.

"What? Can you read fucking minds or something? First Jasper with the hair and now this? Who the hell are you?" she asked franticly, causing me to chuckle.

"Edward Cullen, nice to meet you. And no, not a mind reader, but let's just say that everything is kind of déjà vu for me at the moment."

"Huh?" Rosalie and Jasper asked in unison.

Before I was able to answer, I was interrupted by my sister and Bella returning. Bella was wearing something she looked none too comfortable in. The shirt was blue though, a shade of blue that made everything about her stand out. It contrasted perfectly with her pale skin and wide brown eyes. She smiled bashfully and I nodded my approval to Alice.

"Shall we?" I asked everyone, and we all set out in separate cars to the diner for our impromptu meal.

* * *

"So let me get this straight. You stalked her in your dreams and you're the dude she's been moping about for the last few months?" Rose asked incredulously. I nodded and looked over to see Bella blushing. It was fucking adorable but there was nothing for her to feel shy about. I destroyed a Starbuck's in her honor. Moping was a non-issue at this point, though I would much rather if she hadn't needed to mope at all.

"Yes, that's right Rose," I told her and she rolled her eyes. Surprise, Surprise. "It might help if you know exactly how everything happened, step for step. I'm still learning myself, but it could be helpful to have other perspectives on the reality of things," I shrugged.

"Make sure you don't leave out the part about slapping the ham in the bathroom. Oh wait! They were there for that!"

"Thanks, Emmet," I said wryly,ignoring whatever else he was going on about. It was something about lotion and beavers and sticks…

Moving on.

"As I was saying, it might be a big help if everybody hears both of our stories, well at least mine," I said.

Rose eyed me like she still wanted to donkey kick me in the junk. Jasper put his best intrigued face on. It looked difficult for him, seeing as I couldn't see either of my sister's hands and was not anxious to learn what they were doing at the lunch table with all of us present. Alice finally spoke up.

"I love this story," she said.

"Yeah, this story is the shit," Emmett piped in and once again went on a tangent about stuff that I didn't really give a shit about.

"Well, I'm certainly interested," Jasper said, looking between me and his best friend since forever. He was, no doubt, skeptical of me and he had every right to be, to be honest. It occurred to me that Bella hadn't uttered a sound, remaining completely silent by my side and I wasn't sure why. I figured that maybe it was because I didn't really know her story yet and she was reluctant to add anything. I knew I'd find out someday, but for now I was content with just knowing that she dreamt of me too.

I launched into the story without much thought. I was a pro at telling it by this point. Pretty much every conversation I had with anybody lately revolved around it, so it spilled out of my mouth without a second thought. Alice, Emmett and Bella had all heard it before but they sat entranced like it was the first time. I told them about all the letters, about almost everything that happened in my coma. I left out private moments, like finding Bella at her parent's house, or the precious times we had exploring each other. Then I told them about waking up and the anger and desolation that went with it - the idea that finding out the one thing you love in life isn't real at all and how much of an impact it actually had on me. They all kept their tongues in check as I re-told how we met for real the first time, and how we both just knew that we were it. I continued telling them how we hadn't spent much time apart since then, leaving out the fact that I already didn't want to spend another night without her in my bed or hers.

"So…that's how it went, well my side anyways." I finished off and leaned back in my seat, wrapping my arm protectively around Bella. I wasn't sure why, but my instinct to look after her went into overdrive at that moment.

Rosalie snorted and rolled her eyes, mumbling about 'a knight in a shiny fucking Volvo' or something and stared at me in contempt.

"Do you actually expect me to believe that any of this makes any sense? That it's true? Because I don't," she said derisively.

"It doesn't need to make sense, Rose," Bella quietly told her.

"Don't even get me started with you, Bella. Two days and you're already in this crazy mother fucker's bed, him wanting to do God-only-knows-what to you, and you just believe his stupid stories? You're so naïve," she hissed.

"Hey, don't talk to her that way," I demanded, defending Bella who grabbed my knee with her hand.

"I wasn't talking to you. Got it?"

"What the fuck is your problem, Rosalie?"

The other three were looking on in shock as Rose and I had it out with each other. Rose believed I was a crazy nut job who only planned to get into Bella's pants, and I saw her as the psychotic ice queen I knew her to be. Jasper tried to be the voice of reason and Rose stopped him short.

"Look. It made sense that she had dreams about you or whatever. She found you near death on a fucking street corner and helped you. That is no goddamn reason for you to take advantage of her."

"I wasn't taking advantage!" My voice rose and actually squeaked with indignation. What the hell was she playing at here?

"Right. So she innocently slept over at your house, in your clothes and apparently in your bed and nothing happened?" Her raised eyebrows pissed me off.

"Shut up, Rose," Bella muttered. But I didn't think it was loud enough for her friend to hear. I looked down and saw that she was near tears. This shit needed to stop.

"I mean, forgive me if I'm wrong here, but two days? This shit is ridiculous. What would your mother think, Bella? Or your father? The chief of fucking police."

"That's enough, Rose," I snapped at her and she glared at me. I didn't like that she was bringing Bella's parents into this. She didn't need that. I chanced a glance around the diner to find everyone looking at our table in embarrassment. We were causing a scene and I hated it.

"Stop it Rose, this isn't necessary," Bella said again, slightly louder than the last time.

"And why should I, _Edward?" _Rose asked, my name dripping in snide contempt. "I'm not just going to sit back while you play my friend, the person that I have taken care of for her whole life, and encourage her idiocy, you should know-."

"_Shut the fuck up, Rose!" _Bella yelled out, surprising me with her assertiveness."I'm not an idiot, and he isn't an asshole. Why can't you just accept this? He's been a perfect gentleman to me. Why can't you just let me have this? Just this one thing? You always keep people back from me like I'm going to break. I've never gotten to have anything on my own. Why can't you just let me have this? I just want…" she trailed off as she turned her face into my shoulder and I brought my other arm up around her to console her, glaring angrily at her friend across from me. "I'd like to go now," Bella announced after a second and so it was decided. Our lunch was done.

I looked around the table at two sympathetic and two shocked looks on our companions' faces. There was sympathy from my siblings and the shock from the two who obviously knew that Bella's outburst was completely uncharacteristic of her. I shook my head and threw some cash on the table for our two meals and drinks. I stood to leave and never took my arm from around Bella.

"Let me make things simple for you all. Alice and Jasper, it's obvious that you've been playing 'feel me up' under the table since we got here. Take it somewhere else, would ya? That's my baby sister, Jasper. Fuck it up and I'll kill you. Rosalie, get to know my brother Emmett. I am confident that he'll thaw you out a little bit and you won't be such a raging bitch face after awhile, incidentally making every single one of us happier. Have a good day guys. It's been fucking awesome," I said sarcastically with the fakest smile I could muster plastered across my face.

Pulling Bella away from the table and towards the door, I finally wondered if she was also pissed at me. I definitely contributed to the scene Rose made in there. But seriously, how dare she say shit like that about Bella. Someone who is supposed to be her friend, someone that took care of her. Where does she even get off calling someone who is like her sister an idiot and push her around like that? She was trying to bully her into submission and I would not stand for that. And holy Christ, bringing up her parents? Not fucking cool.

"You okay, Bella?" I asked as I tentatively pulled her into my side, not knowing if she wanted the contact from me or not. She wrapped both arms around my chest and breathed a heavy sigh, and so did I.

"None of this was supposed to be this way," she said. "It's not supposed to be this hard." I rubbed her back and let her process what had just happened. "I'm really mad at her Edward. I've never been so sure of anything before in my life, and she just wants to take it away, because it doesn't fit into her neat little perspective of 'normal'. I'm sorry she was so awful to you."

"Please don't apologize, love. It's alright. I can handle a little verbal abuse from the likes of her." I smirked t her. She tried to smile back but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Edward, I think I need to go home tonight. I mean…alone. It's just, I mean, that won't upset you right?"

"Dear Christ, woman, of course not!" I laughed. "I'll miss you, but I think we could both use a little bit of alone time. Want to go now?" I asked her and she nodded.

I helped her into the car and the drive to her apartment was almost completely silent but not uncomfortably so. When we reached it, I eyed her next door neighbor's house with just a little disdain. I can't believe that she had risked her safety, her life, and he didn't even notice that her truck was in dire need of repair. He didn't even care enough to notice, really. And then to the other side, the house that belonged to her other neighbors, her friend and his sister. At the moment I wasn't calling Rosalie her friend and I doubted she was either. I walked her to her door and she asked me to come in for a moment. I stood there in her sparsely decorated entryway as she took off in the direction of her bedroom.

I decided that I would give her something beautiful for the room, maybe send her a different kind of flower every week, something, anything to bring a little life into the area – something inconspicuous that didn't give anything away about Bella except to those that knew her well.

She came flying back out and handed me a small envelope. It was pink with white tulips adorning the right side of it.

"Open it when you get home," she said quietly before leaning up to kiss me, deciding on my cheek. I looked down at her and smiled when I saw her eyeing my lips. One day she'd learn that she could steal a kiss whenever she wanted to. For now though, I would make do with taking the trek down to her. Our lips touched briefly and I pulled back to move a piece of hair away from her eyes.

"I'll see you later?" I asked her and she nodded. She looked so tired. If I had hope for anything in life it was that she slept and didn't cry herself to sleep over the words of that bitch. "Baby, don't think about what she said, alright? It doesn't matter," I brought my hand up to her heart, much like she had done to me, and laid it there. "All that matters is what you feel in here. Go with that. Do only what _it tells you. _No one else gets to dictate what decisions you make. Remember that, okay?"

"Okay Edward. Thank you for this, for tonight. I just need…I need to think that's all."

I kissed her one last time and took off towards my own apartment. I was eager to see what she had written to me and also a little worried. Upon arriving at home, I waited in the car briefly just staring at the seemingly innocuous envelope. Shaking my head, I exited the car, locking it with the key pad and made my way up to the door. I felt like I was a dead man walking, dreading what the letter may hold.

I opened the envelope slowly and laid the letter down on the counter unfolded, I took a step back and just stared at it for a moment. When I found the courage to do so, I picked it up and studied the words carefully, like they were the air I breathed.

_Dear Edward,_

_I know you're probably freaking out and worried about me, or even about us. This doesn't mean I don't want this, it just means that I'm confused. I'm scared that we want different things, and that's okay. That can always be compromised. I'm even more scared about how much I want you and need you. Like, if you ever decided that you didn't want me anymore that would devastate me._

_I'm finding it hard to remember a time when you didn't exist, and although I know that's only been two days in reality, it's been so much longer for us. _

_Don't let Rose think that you're crazy. Because if you're crazy, then I am too. I'm okay with that, but it doesn't seem fair to either of us. This twist of fate brought us together and we fit. I fit beside you, Edward. I can't figure it out, but I do. I almost feel like I fade into you when we touch._

_There is this spot beside you that makes me feel like your missing puzzle piece. I wonder if you feel it too?_

_I'm rambling, I know I do that. I just wanted to tell you all this._

_And I wanted to say that I love you. It's too scary to say out loud, but I can feel it, and I know it to be true, so you should know that too. No matter how weird anything is, we should know where we fit with each other._

_Thank you for being perfect. One day I'll tell you exactly what it was like for me before we met. I promise. It might not be soon, but it will happen._

_Love, Bella._

That was all I needed to know. I knew she loved me. I could already feel it, but she wrote the words and made it concrete. I'd give her eons to tell me out loud. I knew that shit was scary, and I was so proud of even this.

I decided to give her the night, and wrote a letter of my own to her.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** So, the movie reference in the last chapter was 'Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.' It's a quote from one of my favorite movies, Heathers.

Follow me, Edward and Emmett on twitter. Also go and visit the Twilighted thread for FIY! Its in the AH section and its all lonely LOL

Thanks so much for reading guys.


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Chapter edited by irishone82!

More at the bottom!

(Doc manager was an ass and refused to center my shit...*glares*)

* * *

**Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?  
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?  
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?  
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?**

**Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?  
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone  
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?  
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?**

**Have you ever wished for an endless night?  
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?  
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?  
Tonight**

**Glitter in the Air - Pink**

**

* * *

**

The next couple of days were torture as Bella needed her space and needed to smooth things over between her and her friends. I hadn't had a chance to give her my letter yet, but I would. We texted and we talked on the phone, but we both agreed that for a small amount of time, we probably needed to think about shit.

Were we moving too fast? If so, what exactly was the definition of moving too fast? Is it something that can be defined the same for every person? It sure didn't feel like it. I felt as though I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no one else, so therefore it must be true right? Just because it was scary as all hell shouldn't deter us. It was just all so goddamn confusing.

I wasn't speaking to my brother, and I didn't even have to try not speaking to my sister. She had become Jaspers one and only. They didn't see anything else but each other. Fucking hypocritical assholes. Why was it okay for them to have this instant love connection crap, but not me and Bella? It was disgusting. And I didn't even know what was going on with Emmett and Rosalie. They could be fucking like bunnies at this very moment and I couldn't have given two less shits. Maybe it would bring her down off her high horse. Bella told me Rose had apologized and I asked her if she was sincere. Though I couldn't see her face when I asked, I could almost feel the negative vibes coming through the phone line. God I hated that bitch right now.

I hated her for making Bella doubt us, and I hated her for acting like she owned Bella. I hated her so fucking much for making Bella pull away from me in a time when we should be learning and exploring, not pining and wondering.

This whole fucking shitshow was Em's fault. Okay, it was my fault, not his, but whatever. It made me feel better to place the blame on someone else. Three days ago I was happy. Three days ago, I woke up with the girl that was made just for me wrapped safely in my arms, content and happy in my bed. I would give anything to get that back.

My phone rang and I absentmindedly picked it up not bothering with the caller ID. I hoped it was Bella, but my hopes were slaughtered when I discovered who was on the other end.

"Hello?" I asked hopefully.

"Ed! You finally picked up the goddamn phone, were ya busy with Herman?" my brother's voice on the other end said. I could picture him wiggling his eyebrows suggestively and that alone made me want to punch him.

Fuck my life. Over and over. And not the good kind, either.

I sighed and resigned myself to the fact that I might as well talk to him and get it over with. It was plain to see that he had no intentions of leaving me alone anytime soon.

"What do you want, Emmett," I asked tiredly. I was so tired of people interfering. I just wanted my life back on track. "You have like two minutes. I'm still pissed at you," And I was still pissed, even though I wasn't sure if there was even reason to be.

"Look, bro. I want to apologize. I jumped to conclusions. I knew better than to think you guys did anything other than whatever sweet shit it is you do to woo the ladies, I just had to open my big mouth and it ruined everything," he rushed out.

It occurred to me then that none of this was really his fault at all, aside from saying the blatantly idiotic things he did about me having sex with Bella and telling everyone I named my dick Herman. Shut up, it really is a great story why. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose regretting what I was about to say.

"It's alright, Em. You did fuck up my shit though. You made everyone think that Bella put out after two days and you made her second guess herself. Not cool, douche. Not cool'" I told him and paused pulling together my thoughts again. "Tell me what's been going on. What have I missed?"

"Well, Rose is-"

"Fuck Rose," I nearly yelled and he laughed.

"What, you asked what had been going on…and yes, yes I did thank you. You're the one that told me to, by the way," I cringed. "Bro, can we please just sort this out?"

"Fine…so what was this about Rose?" I asked him.

He went on to tell me about how he and Rose got together, had a chat and she apologized. To him. How he garnered an apology from that cow I had no idea, but whatever. It was a start, right? He told me about how Jasper and Alice had been together non stop ever since the diner, and then I was even more pissed.

"So why the fuck is it alright for all of you to be attached at the fucking hip after two days, but me and Bella it's a fucking cataclysmic event."

I was seething inside. Hypocrites, nothing but a bunch of fucking hypocrites

"That's not what we said, Ed…okay, well maybe Rose did,"

"Rose? You call her Rose now? Fuck you guys. Do you realize that she made Bella doubt everything and I haven't seen her since the diner because of that shit? And neither of you could speak the fuck up in my defense? Great, Emmett. Really fucking great. And stop calling me Ed."

I hung up the phone and listened as it rang over and over again. It rings one more time and I answer, eyes closed just wanting him to go the hell away.

"What Emmett?" I practically shout, anger radiating off of me.

There is silence on the other end of the line and I briefly rejoice in making him shut his big fat stupid mouth for once. I didn't even know it was possible.

"Emmett?" I ask and then pull the phone away from my ear to look at the display and grasp at my hair in distress. "Bella, I am so fucking sorry. Emmett's been pestering me all morning. How are you?" I hear a small giggle on the other end of the line and I knew that all was forgiven for snapping at her out of turn.

"I'm okay. Has it been that bad for you too?" she asked.

"Having trouble with Rose and Jasper?"

There was a beat of silence before she answered and I felt the need to hear her voice again, right that minute. It's pathetic, really how much she has me wrapped around her little finger.

"You could say that…"

"What aren't you telling me, Bella?" I ask because it concerned me. I could imagine that Rosalie alone was bad enough, so what more could there be?

"I don't want to tell you," she whispered. "I don't want you to be angry,"

With that, my mind was resolved that she would tell me, it was just figuring out how to get it out of her the difficult part. What one earth could she say at this point that could make me angry?

"Bella, please…" I implored. I was willing to beg at this point on hands and fucking knees.

"It wasn't just them," began the start of her cryptic answer. "Don't freak out, okay? But I mean. Alice and Emmett are kind of attached at the hips of Jasper and Rose now so they're all over it too."

Mother fucking hypocrites. I scrunched my eyes closed and damn near ripped out every hair on my head. Why couldn't my family leave us alone for awhile? Everything was fine before everyone else was added to the mix and I missed the simplicity of bed. Mine, hers, it didn't matter, but that was where it was just us. That's where we were free to be as emotionally stunted and ridiculous as we pleased.

"What have they been doing?" I asked letting out a deep sigh of frustration.

"Just uh, they're your family, I really don't want to slight them to you, Edward," she said ending with a sigh. I could almost hear the wheels turning in her head about why we shouldn't work. Why she wasn't good enough and why I shouldn't want her. This in turn made me really want to know what they said.

"Tell me, Bella. Nothing you can say will change the fact that I already think they're a couple of assholes at the moment" This was true. I was still mad at both of them.

"Alice has been giving me…tips and uh…Emmett asked me how big Herman was…"

Fuck my life. I know I say that a lot, but in this case it needed to be said. Fuck. My. Life. Was she serious? My family fucking hated me. There just was no other explanation.

"Okay, Bella?"

"Yes, Edward?"

"Do you feel ready to see me again?"

"Yes, Edward," she said after very little hesitation.

"Okay, here's what we're going to do…"

An hour later, I had a movie in the DVD player, snacks on the coffee table and my gorgeous girl tucked into my side. The rest of them could walk right off a fucking cliff while we had our own time.

"What are we watching?"

That one question brought up a memory and I felt my face fall minutely. It brought me back to one of my favorite –what I now liked to refer to them as- non memories and my hands moved down to Bella's waist of their own accord. I thought about how happy we were, and how happy everyone else was. I remembered Emmett's ridiculous antics over the Sound of Music and Jaspers clean up to save lives…

"Edward?"

"Hmmm," I answered her absentmindedly as I wished that she could have these same memories.

"What are we watching? You spaced out there…" I looked down to Bella to find that her cheeks were bright red and her eyes quickly glanced down to where my hands lay on her hips. I went to pull them away and apologize as I hadn't even realized they were going there until they reached their destination, and she grabbed them both tightly. Tight for her, anyways. I could have pulled away quite easily, but did I want to? Not on your life.

"I put in 'The Perfect Storm'," I told her, not giving up any eye contact whatsoever in the process. I remembered it being one of Dream Bella's favorite movies, so I hoped the same could be said for my beautiful one. There was a shit load of emotion staring right back at me that I couldn't even fathom. "Tell me what you're thinking, Bella,"

"I don't know…my brain feels all scrambled…" she trailed off and then finally broke eye contact. This brought on another non-memory. Bella once told me I dazzled her, and that I did it frequently. I wondered if that was what was happening right this very moment.

"What sort of 'advice' was my sister giving you," I whispered to her and moved a strand of hair away from her face. "Are you nervous right now, because of where my hands are?"

She looked down to my hands over her shirt and bit her lip. I went to pull away again and she kept a firmer grip on my wrists than before.

"I don't know. I can't tell…" she murmured and then looked up at me. I'd already had my hands on her breasts once before, but that was desperate measures. This was a different story altogether and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, which I feared I already had.

"Tell me what you're feeling, Bella" I was getting needy. She wouldn't let me pull away, but also didn't seem altogether relaxed in the position we were in, either. I rubbed my thumb along her side and she looked up at me with wide eyes.

"I don't know," she whispered. "Alice told me that it would feel good to be touched, and I think…I want you to, but I don't know how to…"

I pulled a hand away and covered her lips with a single finger. She looked down in embarrassment and I sighed in frustration. I wished she wouldn't feel the need to be self conscious with me.

"Bella, baby, don't be nervous. We don't have to do _anything _you don't want to do. That isn't why I brought you here, you understand me?" she nodded and we shared a brief smile. I decided to experiment a little and when I brought my hand back down to her body, I slipped them both beneath the fabric of her shirt, a motion that used to be so familiar to me. The feeling of the skin of her stomach underneath my bare hands made my insides go haywire. She felt fucking fantastic. Way better than before. She gasped and looked back up into my eyes and I smiled down at her.

"You need to tell me what your feeling, gorgeous girl," I whispered directly into her ear and felt her shiver. She placed her hands on top of my own, only hers were above her shirt. She looked up at me through her lashes at the same time she squeezed softly.

"Can we try…something?" she squeaked out and looked up at me hopefully. I nodded down to her and kissed her slowly, but didn't pull away as soon as she expected me too. Instead, I slowly moved one hand languorously up her side. "How about we start somewhere that we've already been," I whispered against her mouth and she swallowed convulsively as she nodded. Fuck. She was nervous as all get out. "Do you want me to stop?" She shook her head no. "Can you say it, Bella? Out loud?"

"I don't want you to stop, Edward. Can you talk to me though? I can't…I need something to …my mind is all over. Just talk to me?" she pleaded quietly, and that was the easiest request she'd ever made.

"That I can do," I nodded and leaned down to capture her lips with my own. I pulled away but only the smallest bit. "Please tell me to stop if you need me to, Bella. I don't want to hurt you. I don't ever want to make you anything other than happy," my voice sounded pained even to my own ears, the thought of bringing her any extra pain in this life killing me.

I moved my hand up slightly higher so that my right thumb was grazing against the side of her left breast and I heard her sharp intake of air. "The feel of your skin does something to me, Bella. You feel so…this is so much better than it was in my dreams." I told her, fulfilling her wish to hear my voice. "Open your eyes for me, baby," Everything was spoken in a whisper; careful not to break the delicate balance we were sitting on. "I want to see your eyes."

She revealed her big brown irises to me and there was something different there. Something that confused the living shit out of her that much was obvious.

"Can you tell me what you're feeling, Bella? Tell me what you're thinking. I can help you figure it out," she whimpered as I moved my palm to cover her bra covered breast and kneaded it softly. I brought my lips back to hers and then laughed internally because I had just asked her to speak and then made it impossible. I pulled back to look in her eyes but did not remove my hand.

"It's uh…" she moaned quietly and then closed her eyes, maybe trying to collect her thoughts. Not stopping my ministrations, I moved my lips down to her neck and sucked softly on her sweet skin there. "I can feel so many things at the same time," she whispered and then squirmed a little.

That's when a light bulb went off. She had no fucking idea what it was to feel aroused like this. Everything she was feeling was completely new to her, almost like sensory overload. I smiled because I knew that it was me that was doing it to her. No one fucking else ever got these reactions out of her before.

"Tell me where you're feeling it, baby. Does it feel good or bad?" She surprised me by meeting my lips with her own and I knew I had my answer. "I take it that means good," I said against the side of her mouth. "Have you ever felt this way before, Bella?" I asked and she shook her head. I moved my left hand up higher to make sure that her right breast didn't feel left out, and she moaned so goddamn loud that my dick twitched. It was the most animated I had ever seen her and it was doing shit to me that I didn't think possible. I needed to stay focused on her and I knew that.

Our lips met again and hers were so frenzied that I almost didn't even know what to do with them. I guided my tongue slowly into her mouth and tried to calm her down. I don't think I helped her any when I pushed the fabric of her bra away and felt the skin of her breast directly under my hand and passed my thumb down over the nipple that protruded from it.

I felt her hands, which had been stringently at her sides clenched into fists move and rejoiced when her right finally found purchase at my hip, clutching at the fabric of my t-shirt.

"You okay, gorgeous girl?" I asked and looked into her eyes.

"I don't think I've ever been more okay…ever…uh," The poor girl had no idea what to do with the sensations moving through her and it was so adorable. I latched our mouths back together and left one hand on her breast as the other moved down, around to her back and down towards her unassuming ass and squeezed gently. Her hand that was on me trailed up to my chest over my shirt and I looked to see where her other one was settled.

And I died, right then and there. Mental fucking heart attack.

My sweet fucking Bella was rubbing herself over her jeans, and from the look on her face she was enjoying the shit out of it too. I brought the hand that was previously on her ass around to rest on top of hers and threaded my fingers through her own.

She looked down slowly to where our fingers were joined, not stopping her movements, and quickly pulled away and jumped back in shock. Evidently, she had no idea she was even doing it. She tried to pull her hand away from mine and I wouldn't let her, instead turning them so they were palm to palm and squeezed gently. I leaned down to whisper into her ear and she was blushing furiously, looking almost angry with herself.

"Baby girl, don't be embarrassed. It's perfectly natural. That's where you were feeling it right?" she nodded but refused to look into my eyes. "Look at me pretty girl," I implored and when she finally did, there was a lone tear sliding down her cheek. I smiled at her and pulled her into my embrace, hands leaving her body, just wanting her to feel loved. "Bella don't cry. Did that feel good?"

"It did," she finally whispered.

"Can you still feel it, baby?" she looked up at me and nodded. "Come here."

I pulled her up so she was sitting on my lap straddling me and I kissed her once on the lips and then once on the nose. She relaxed into me and wrapped my arms around her and then shifted my hips slowly. I knew there was no way she was ready for any type of skin to skin stimulation down there, but if she was so worked up that she needed to touch herself without even her own knowledge, it had to be dealt with. I couldn't even imagine having the female equivalent of blue balls. What would that be, like blue clit?

"This okay baby?" I asked as I pushed up into her again. She was moaning and grunting and apparently finding it hard to form a word of any sort as she pulled at the front of my t-shirt and arched her back with every movement I made. Our lips were moving together and I was trying to convey all the love I had with her in this simple gesture. I actually felt a little dirty, dry humping the innocent girl sitting on my lap, but it wasn't for my good. I could tweak Herman later if I needed to, wouldn't be a problem. I knew that Bella was much too proper and unsure to try and take care of herself.

I could hear her breaths coming quicker, and then her mouth was pressed up against my ear.

"I feel like I'm going to explode…uhhhh," She said seductively in my ear, probably unintentionally. Oh yeah. Herman was definitely going to have to drop the swimmers off later. Holy shit.

I continued thrusting and held her close. Watching my Bella come undone was probably the most beautiful fucking thing I have ever seen. She was so unhinged and uninhibited in that moment that she did, in fact explode. She didn't yell, she didn't bite and she didn't scratch. She arched back and the look on her face was like agony being brought to an abrupt halt. Her mouth was open, her eyes was closed and I kissed each eyelid as I pulled her back to me and brought her down from her very first orgasm induced high. After a few beats, she looked up at me, a gorgeous smile plastered across her face and brought her hand up to my cheek.

"What was that," she breathed.

Fuck did I ever love this girl.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** YAY! I hope that was enough of that for at least a little bit…hope ya liked it!


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Much love to everyone recc'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Chapter edited by NO ONE atm. LOL I was too eager to post. Will be edited and reposted later

More at the bottom!

* * *

**Someone falls to pieces  
Someone kills the pain  
Spinning in the silence  
She finally drifts away  
Someone gets excited  
In a chapel yard  
And catches a bouquet  
Another lays a dozen  
White roses on a grave  
Yeah...**

**And to be yourself is all that you can do  
Hey...  
To be yourself is all that you can do**

Someone finds salvation in everyone  
Another only pain  
Someone tries to hide himself  
Down inside himself he prays  
Someone swears his true love  
Until the end of time  
Another runs away  
Separate or united  
Healthy or insane

**Be Yourself - Audioslave**

**

* * *

**

"So how did she feel after this little encounter?"

I was being grilled by Doc McDouche again. The visits were much farther apart now, mostly for my own peace of mind. Somehow the topic came to the night on the couch with Bella two months ago. I wasn't sure how he did it, but dude sure had a way of pulling stories out of me.

"Well," I laughed lightly, "at first it was mostly awe," I nodded mostly to myself. "Afterwards, she started to feel like we had done something wrong - let me rephrase that- she felt as though _she _had done something wrong." I shook my head as I thought back to our conversation on the couch that led to the bedroom after what was probably one of the best moments of my life.

"_Say something, Bella," I said as I pulled her face up to look in my eyes. I did not like what I was seeing there. There was a whole lot of shame and even a couple of tears. "Bella, baby…don't cry. Why are you crying?"_

_She finally looked me straight in the eye and I felt like I had been stabbed. Straight in the fucking heart._

"That's when it became _not _the best moment of my life, doc. I felt like I betrayed her trust and it hurt so fucking bad. Sorry, pardon my language," he just nodded and motioned for me to continue. "You see, she'd never…" It felt awkward talking to him about this, but I had learned that getting anything and everything possible out made life so much easier. "There was never a time when she had actually been…" I motioned with my hand feeling way too uncomfortable to tell the evil doc that I had gotten my girlfriend sexually aroused for the first time in her life and neither of us knew quite what to do with her reaction.

"_I just never…" she started then looked away again."I mean, I'd read about it and…" she couldn't even finish a sentence. I waited for her to piece together her thoughts like I always did. Patiently waited for her beautiful mind to catch up with what had actually happened. Moving a strand of hair away from her face I sat and waited as her breathing steadily slowed to a normal pace._

_I wished at that moment that I could read her mind. I could see in her eyes her meticulous thought process and wanted to know exactly where it was taking her-until she burst out into tears._

The doctor nodded his head and wrote his notes down on his stupid fucking legal pad. This shit wasn't even about me so I couldn't figure out why it was important here.

"What did you do after that? How did that make you feel?" he asked, and I stared at him incredulously.

Douche.

_We lay up in bed, Bella curled up in my cocoon and I just let her cry. At this point, I still had no idea whether it was happy tears, sad, mad, confused, what. I just let her cry. When I had been carrying up the stairs bridal style to my bed, she kept blubbering how sorry she was and that she didn't want me to go, and she couldn't give it back. Whatever the fuck that meant._

_So we just curled up together, she cried and I comforted. When she finally spoke I was floored by what I heard._

"_That was both the best and worst moment of my life so far…" she whispered._

"_Why the worst?" I asked her._

"_I had no control. It was the best feeling…better than I had ever imagined, but I couldn't control it. I didn't know where to put myself. I didn't even- I can't give it back to you, and that bothers me." She finally looked up at me then, and I knew what she had been thinking the entire time. She thought that I had given her that asking for something in return. And the fact that she just couldn't do it, she thought I would leave her for it. "Thank you so much, Edward."_

"And what did you have to say to that?"

"I reassured her. I promised her that it wasn't the case at all. It took me ages, but I finally convinced her," I smiled at the thought.

"Have you done anything similar since then?"

I nodded but gave him no further explanation. It wasn't for him to know.

"How about the other relationships? Her 'family', your family, how are they all presently?" He asked and rested his chin on his raised clasped hands in front of him.

"Good, everyone is good," The Doc looked at me skeptically and I smirked. The asshole didn't believe a word I said. I suppose that was my entire fault though. "No really, I mean it. My family and I were close. Very close. It didn't take long for us to work out our problems. Jasper, he just wanted what was best for Bella, of course. I like him. He's a little crazy, but aren't we all?"

"I'd prefer if you didn't use the term crazy in my presence or otherwise."

He would say that. I remembered when he basically had to beat it into my skull that I wasn't a batshit nuts motherfucker. So I nodded and laughed lightly. Whatever made the Doc's day, right?

"What about Rosalie? She was the most difficult, was she not?"

I let out a breath of air and ran my hand through my hair thinking about the odyssey that was Rosalie Hale. I wasn't so sure that if she hadn't fallen head over heels for my brother we ever would have seen eye to eye.

"_To what do I owe the pleasure of your company, Casanova?" Rosalie said as she eyed me from the doorway. I decided to pay her a visit and hash shit out. It's the only way it would work. I did chuckle at her nickname for me though._

"_Just wanted to talk," I told her and nodded with my hands behind my back. "I want you to know everything, and I need to know why you can't let us be happy. Can we just do this? Talk and get it out of the way?"_

_Her hard blue eyes just stared at me for a moment before she opened her door wider and motioned for me to step through the door. I took off my shoes and waited for her to point me in a direction, unless we were going to do this in her doorway…_

"_I have coffee on, if you want some," she said uncharacteristically. She never offered anything. She was like a fucking piñata that you had to beat everything out of. Not that I would beat her. Though, I wondered if I could refuse if Bella asked me to. I nodded and she motioned toward the living room where I sat on her couch. _

_Looking around, I saw pictures of her, Jasper and Bella scattered around, as well as some older people that I assumed were her parents. I hadn't had the pleasure of meeting them yet. The one thing I noticed in a lot of the pictures was the protective eye she had on either Jasper or Bella and the look of guilt on either of their faces. Hidden well by a smile or a goofy face, but it was there nonetheless._

"_She means too much to me, you know?" I heard Rosalie say behind me and I turned to look at her. She was staring at one photo in particular so I picked it up to examine it. "That was taken the year after her mother died. We went out to the movies, and Bella was so sad…" I looked closely and I could see a single tear falling from one of her eyes. "I was so stupid, Edward. I was angry that she was moping and bitchy. I wanted her to live a little, to just be normal for one goddamn day." Rosalie sat on the couch and looked away from me. "I yelled at her," she whispered, and I could hear the frown in her voice. "I had forgotten the importance of the date. I was so angry that it was her birthday and she couldn't just buck the fuck up. I didn't remember what that day actually meant to her."_

_I nodded and let her continue. I was seeing an entirely new side of the shrew and it was intriguing._

"_She's such a selfless fucking person, you know? Nothing is for her," I smiled because I knew this to be true. "So do you know what she did after I yelled at her, Edward? She fucking apologized." I turned then to face her full on. "Bella is so goddamn easy to take advantage of and it scares me. _You _scared me. You could demolish her without even trying. All you would have to do was say the wrong thing."_

_She turned away from her and I let her have her moment. I thought about what she was saying and it all made perfect sense. She had once hurt Bella herself, and Bella had taken the blame. She didn't want the same thing to happen because of me._

"_Rosalie, I-"_

"_Wait. Just listen to me, okay? Did she tell you about school?" I nodded. "She told you about the fight? Did she tell you that after we had left school and done our homeschooling, that she saw him downtown one day?" I shook my head and the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up. "She did. He saw her while she and Jasper were out eating. He told her that she had obviously never listened to him about eating because she was still a fat fuck that nobody would want." I was shaking my head as she was speaking. It was too much to deal with. "He told her…" she paused and took a breath, "that he would take her out back and show her what she was missing…Thank fuck Jasper was there and he had the sense to drag her the fuck away from there, Edward."_

_I sat in shock. There were no words. What the fuck do you say or do when you were just told the love of your life has had more shit laid on her than you ever thought possible for one human being. Looking back up to Rosalie, I finally noticed the tears._

"_You have to understand that I was hard wired to hate you. From the very moment she came home that day of the accident'" she glared at me menacingly then and I actually backed off a bit. She was back to scaring the proverbial shit out of me. "I wanted you out of her life. She was too fucking happy, Edward. She laid her life out as if you were there to live it with her. She said she could feel you all the time, and I was pissed. I was so fucking angry, Edward, because I knew that there was no way in hell that she would come out of this unscarred."_

"_Rosalie," I said and she looked up at me, allowing me to finally have my say. ""was she happy? After the accident, I mean?" She cocked her head as she thought about it._

"_She has never really been a happy person, you have to understand that. But after that day," she looked at me pointedly, "she started getting help for things. It was so strange. She used to be so small, Edward. She didn't eat. I think it was maybe…two weeks after that day, she decided she needed help for that. That she couldn't do it alone. At some point she stopped driving that fucker of a truck." She shook her head and looked down. When she looked up there was fear in her eyes. Fear that I would think she was crazy? Or maybe that Bella was crazy. I didn't know. "She said that you would want her to be safe. She knew you were there. We had all thought you died and were like, haunting her or something."_

"_I want you to know, right now, that I have no intentions of hurting her…ever. Rose, I get it now. I understand why you're so protective of her, but she's an adult. She may not think quite the way others do, and maybe she needs a little bit of help along the way, but I will be there." She sat contemplating me and I felt nervous under her stare. "What, what is it?"_

"_You called me Rose," she said quietly. "You never call me that."_

_I nodded at her and shrugged._

"_I accept it now, I guess," I told her and she smiled at me. It wasn't forced, it wasn't scary…it wasn't her. And then she leaned across the couch and hugged me, whispering in my ear._

_"Thank you for making her happy. I almost don't even feel like hitting you right now." I smiled at the déjà vu and hugged her back. _

_Everything was going to be okay._

"And just like that things were okay?" Head Doc McGee asked me and I laughed.

"Will everything _ever _really be okay?" I countered with and he laughed too.

* * *

We were in the meadow we first went to the day we first met two weeks after that doctor's appointment. We tried to come out here as often as possible, as, at least to me, it felt like the rest of the world melted away when we were here.

I felt ridiculous. I was going to ask her to move in with me. Two and a half months after officially meeting, and I was officially fucked. I hardly functioned if she wasn't around, and just wanted it to be a guarantee to wake up with her.

I was on my side facing Bella who was on her back, tracing the shape of the clouds with her fingers as they moved. I watched. I watched how happy she actually was now and my heart nearly fucking burst open. She dropped her arm to her side and lolled her head to smile at me.

"What are you thinking?" I asked her and she just shrugged. "Do you want to know what I was thinking?" She laughed and nodded. "I was thinking…" I said as I moved my body to half hover over hers. "About how much I adore you," she smiled and she blushed and I tried not to chicken out. "And also, about how much I love you and waking up with you," I cocked an eyebrow at her.

"I like waking up with you too, "she admitted and eyed me suspiciously. I kissed her chastely and then continued.

"I was thinking about how I want you to move in with me, Bella…"

There. I'd gotten it out. I was expecting rejection right off the bat. Its how we did things. Bella looked back up at the clouds and simply raised her hand to trace the shapes once more. Not exactly the reaction I was expecting.

I furrowed my brows and studied her features as I moved from my perch almost on top of her back to beside her where I could watch her. She was so gorgeous with her hair all fanned out underneath her on the grass.

"Bella?"

"I'm working up the nerve to say it."

"Say what?" I asked her confused, and then really fucking terrified she was going to say no.

"Yes," she said as she dropped her arm and rolled over onto her side to face me.

I kissed her soundly and pulled her up to sitting, her between my legs and my arms wrapped around her.

"You're beautiful, you know. Precious little thing," I sang tunelessly to my pretty girl.

She looked so perfect at the moment, out in a meadow, sun shining on her, and her hair blowing around us. I liked to write cute little songs about her in my head and sing them to her. It made her blush every time.

"Marry me."

"Mmmmm…no."

It wasn't like I expected a yes. I couldn't believe she had even agreed to move in with me so quickly.

"Ya, do it. Come on, it'll be fun. Jasper can even be your Maid of Honor."

That got a little laugh out of her as I kissed her sweetly on the mouth and ran a hand through her hair.

"Marry me."

"You're pushy."

"You love me."

"I do…love you." She said and then giggled. She knew the first part of her sentence would get to me. I couldn't wait to hear those words come out of her mouth. Every once in awhile she dropped those three words on me with something in between them or out of order. I couldn't wait to hear them the way they were meant to be said. _I love you._

"I do…too. See, was that so hard?" I teased.

"No. Kiss me again," she demanded.

So I kissed her again.

"Bella, do you really mean it? You'll move in with me?"

"I really mean it," She turned to look at me and laced her fingers through mine. I don't like to be alone now. I'm not that girl anymore."

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** The story is starting to wind down. Won't be too much longer. *sadface* But I have a cool announcement! I'm going to do a COUNTER story of FIY, completely in BPOV, as her story is completely different! Let me know your thoughts on that.

Another thing. I made it as a top 10 finalist in the Simply The Best O/S contest hosted by www . twificone . com Take out the spaces, visit the site and vote for The Boy and The Muse, if you so choose to!

*LICKS*


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Much love to everyone rec'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

Chapter edited by TwittahMom

More at the bottom!

* * *

**Deep inside the canyon I can't hide  
All I ever wanted was your life  
Show love with no remorse and  
Climb on to your seahorse and  
This ride is right on course  
This is the way I wanted it to be with you  
This is the way that I knew that it would be with you  
Lay on lay on lay on lay on  
Lay on lay on lay on lay on**

**Dosed- Red Hot Chili Peppers**

**

* * *

**

"Jasper, really man. I'm sure we can find enough room for Bella's things without re-organizing the whole place, don't you think?" I asked as I eyed the crazed man warily. Crazed as in fervently trying to dismantle my bookshelf to make sure there was space for Bella's things as well. The thing was it was almost as if he was out for blood. It freaked me out a little, to be honest. Sure I wanted room for her belongings, but there had to be an easier way to do this.

"If we just…here," he spoke lowly as he pulled books off and meticulously replaced them so that their spines were even and matched just so. "If we put these ones down here, and stack these ones this way…"

I got the feeling that he wasn't really talking to me, so I tried again. "Thanks for helping out Jasper, really, but you don't have to put so much effort into…" I trailed off as he placed the item he was holding onto the shelf and turned his head to look at me over his shoulder ,eyeing me skeptically.

"Do you have any idea how many books this girl has?" he asked me honestly, and I found myself stunned silent. I realized in that moment that I had no idea how many books Bella had; I barely knew simple truths about her. What was her favorite think to drink on a cold night? What did she like to do when the sun was out and she just wanted to enjoy a day?

Were we jumping in to this too fast? Was it like diving off a cliff into unknown waters? What would happen if she hated me for leaving the toilet seat up or my towels on the floor, or my dirty clothes hanging off the bed post? What if I made her eggs sunny side up and she only likes them scrambled?

This shit was hurting my brain.

"Dude, snap out of it," Jasper said and I literally did, whipping my head up and knocking my cheek into Jaspers freakishly close jaw. That fucking hurt. Why was he standing so close to me? And why were his hands on my shoulders? And what did he use to smell like that?

Why was everything in my head a fucking question?

"Ummm, why are you in my space, Jasper," I asked him calmly. I was kind of worried I was going to have to tell him that I definitely didn't bat for that team and then kick his ass because my sister was in love with him.

"Edward, you were getting a little Linda Blair on me there. Muttering things and shaking your head back and forth like a fucking bobble head."

I looked up at him in shock. I remembered thinking, and then freaking out about my thinking and then beating Jaspers face in. Had I really been verbalizing it the entire time? Was I still asking questions in my head? Really?

"Talk to me buddy. Are you second guessing having her move in here? Because if you are, you need to sort that out now."

Jasper looked at me seriously, menacingly almost, and I stared incredulously back at him.

"What? No! Why would you-No!" That was the last thing I was trying to do. Regret was not an option with this woman. I would do everything I could to make things right, to do them the right way.

"You're sure?" He asked me with a raised eyebrow that I nearly smacked right the fuck off him. "And did you really sniff me?"

I stood stock still, not wanting him to know any of the shit that went through my head in the last five minutes before a slow smile spread across my face and we both burst out laughing. The situation was kind of comical.

When we calmed down, I sat on my couch with my head in my hands and Jasper took a seat on the other end, watching to see what my next move would be. I shook my head, trying to get my thoughts together and turned it to smile ruefully at Jasper.

"I'm just scared that I'll fuck it up, you know?" He nodded thoughtfully as I continued. "You don't know what it's like," I shook my head and laughed quietly as I leaned my elbows on my knees. "I lived through this already, but I didn't. You're all just a little bit different than what I remember. So I don't know if I actually know things, or if they're myth. The things that happened…"

"Its okay, Edward. We all get it now. You know that, right?" I nodded slowly, not sure If I actually believed it or not. "You want to talk about it?" he asked as he got up to stack the books neatly before sitting back down, eyeing the one spine that was backwards from the rest of them, trying to resist the urge to return to it.

"Just do it man," I told him and he bolted to it. I shook my head minutely and laughed inside my head. Poor guy. Once he was seated, I leaned back into the couch and gathered my thoughts.

"You're her best friend," I said as a statement, not a question. "So I can see how you might think that I fell in love with a Bella that is not the real her. But that's not true. It isn't," I took another breath before continuing on. "This Bella, the one that I know for real, that I can breathe in and touch and love- for real, she is so much better. She gives me so much that she doesn't even know, you know? Like, she doesn't get angry when I get confused and can't tell the difference between now and then. She never ever looks at me as though I'm a crazy douche bag with a second agenda." Jasper looked at me warily and I hurried on. "No, I don't have any ulterior motives. You can trust me, I swear."

I laughed lightly and we both took a moment to reflect, staring off into space. I thought about the different path my life could have taken; the path where Bella didn't exist, or where she didn't want me just as much as I wanted her. I thought about the depressed mess I would have been, wondering what the hell could have been and I couldn't even think of life without her. To me, at the moment, there was no option.

That being said, I knew that if she ever wanted something else, if she didn't want me, all I wanted was for her to be happy; I would let her go, but I would wait in the wings for her. It occurred to me that she was broken, in progress, but still broken. Would she still need me when she wasn't anymore?

"You're good for her, I think," Jasper told me, smirking "Just don't fuck it up, because if you do I'll have to kill you. And I _really _don't want to have to do that."

We talked a little longer before he took off and I prepared for the next day - moving day. Bella and I had decided a night apart was in order before we couldn't have that anymore. Lying in my bed, I found it hard to sleep. It was too quiet, and too empty.

I just kept my mind on the fact that this was it; this was the day I had dreamt about. We could do this, and that was all I needed.

* * *

We got the last of the boxes brought in and I carried in her less-than-heavy furniture, what little of it she decided to bring. It was a good thing that her shit wasn't heavy because everyone had ditched us at the last minute. I didn't know what the hell they thought was more important than this, but I would be having some words with them.

Everything was in its place, including the cheap bookshelf she brought herself. I told her that I had more than enough room for anything of hers, but she had insisted.

She stood looking at where it had been placed, contemplating, and I had a crazy sense of déjà vu again. I had seen this look before and I could almost say word for word what was coming next.

"I really don't like the bookshelf here. Maybe we should move it over there."

I smiled at her as I pinched her on the cheek.

"You mean maybe_ I_ should move it over there," I said with a chuckle. Not that I minded, I just liked to tease her.

"I can help you…or maybe you could get Emmett or Jasper to help you," she shrugged. She was small, and knew I didn't like her lifting shit.

It was happening. This was a dream coming true. The meadow that was a dream coming true too. It was so intense; this feeling of knowing what was coming but letting it play out instead.

"Mmmhmm," I said as I wrapped my arms around her and inhaled her scent. "Maybe we should just get Jasper to come and move all the furniture around. Nothing would be out of place and we wouldn't have to worry about anything being crooked."

She laughed. I was sweating from lugging boxes and furniture around so, pushing back from Bella for a moment; I lifted my shirt off my head and tossed it off to the side gracelessly.

"Want some water?" I asked her.

"N-no."

I started chugging the bottle I had and looked at her out of the corner of my eye, wondering why she was not only stuttering but her eyes were wide as saucers.

"What's up, my love? You seem astonished."

"I am. I always forget about how perfect you are until I see it." She told me flustered.

I smiled at her, bringing her back to me.

"Perfection is _your _middle name, Bella. Don't ever forget that."

She surprised me by bring her lips up to meet my own and I hesitantly moved mine with them, wanting her to take the lead. I didn't want to push her, but we were completely alone and she had just checked out my body like she had never done before. This was something new. I put my hands on her back and brought her closer to my shirtless upper body, getting slightly greedy. Then she opened her mouth to me with a quiet sigh.

Opening my own eyes, I searched her face. She had never taken control like this before and I needed to be sure she was alright and not pushing herself too far, too fast. All I saw was complete relaxation and trust. She trusted me, and I would give her anything she wanted.

Slipping my tongue in between her slightly chapped and bitten lips, our tongues touched and a fire ignited within her. Bella's hands were up in my sweaty hair, tugging me closer and I was all too willing to oblige. Our mouths were at a ball and the sweetest song was providing the rhythm.

In the next moment, I felt all her weight in my hands as she wrapped one, then the other leg around me; I moved my hands down to her backside to support her. I pulled back to look in her eyes and she opened them up as a slow dazzling smile spread across them.

"I love you," I told her, in no uncertain terms, "you have to tell me what you want though, okay?" I said softly. She nodded, biting her sweet bottom lip between her teeth. I couldn't have that. I leaned down to kiss her teeth away and she giggled. It was one of the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard.

"Edward, ummm…"

"What is it, gorgeous girl?" I asked her as she looked away.

"Can we uh, can we go to the bedroom?" she asked, looking up at me hopefully through her lashes, "I don't, I mean uh, I'm not sure I can do ummm…that," she shrugged and bit her lip again.

"Bella, listen to me," I waited until she was looking right at me and I shifted my hands as she tightened her legs around my waist. "We can do anything you want to do, just tell me when you need to stop, and I'm yours. Okay sweet girl?" I whispered and she nodded. I carried her towards our bedroom and stopped at the door, shifting my weight so I could hold on to her with the one had and open the door with the other.

Our bedroom.

I liked the sound of that.

Once we were inside, although no one else was around, I kicked the door shut behind us and kissed her sweetly as I made my way to the bed. That was the point where I was lost. Did I lay her down on it? Then what? What did she want? Or did I just sit down and keep her wrapped around me just as she was. I decided the latter was the best idea. It still gave her control. She could make whatever move she wanted after that.

As I sat on the bed, I moved my hands up her sides as our mouths stayed connected, pulling away only to catch my breath. My lips didn't leave her skin; they didn't want to. They kissed along her jaw and up to her ear and her hands roamed to my front and up along my bare chest, her breaths coming short and quick. I decided to lay us down; it was easier on both of us that way and, without breaking our connection, I scooted to the center of the bed and laid us down on our sides facing each other. Her hands on my skin felt amazing and I never wanted her to stop. She was biting her lip again and I kissed it away before pulling back to gaze at her, moving her hair out of her face.

"What do you want, Bella?" I asked her quietly, letting her think as my hands drifted below the hem of her shirt to the skin around her stomach. She looked me dead in the eyes and stilled one of my hands with her own.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-. "I was cut off by the shaking of her head and her palm moving my fingers down to the waistband of her sweatpants. I looked up at her in shock and her eyes gave her away. She wanted this, maybe even needed this. "Are you sure?" I asked her before kissing her softly. I always did that, asked her to speak and then made it impossible. It was just so delicious. I couldn't help myself.

"I want this, Edward," she blushed and smiled. We had never been under the clothes before, so this was a giant fucking step for her. Without any warning, she pushed our hands below the waistband and above her panties and then pulled her own out. She whimpered quietly, as I searched for signs of distress but there were none. Pure fucking trust and love were there, and that was all it took.

I slowly pushed her on to her back, not removing the hand that was gently massaging her pubic bone and working its way lower as I hovered over her slightly and attached my lips to hers. Straightening out my hand, I palmed her and moaned so loud at the wet heat I felt down there. She had no idea what this did to me as she squirmed a little bit and pulled away, blushing. She was so fucking cute. After a little bit of over the panty rubbing, one finger gently pushed aside the fabric there and slid deftly along her softest skin.

She hissed and bucked her hips up, lifting her head up to kiss my neck, wrapping her little arms around me. Jesus, it was almost too much for me to handle, I could only imagine that she was going mad with need at the moment.

"Bella," I whispered against her mouth and slowly, very slowly pushed only one finger inside of her. I didn't want to go to deep or too hard. This was new and a first. I wanted her to feel what it was like, but not get overwhelmed. My free hand braced me above her on the bed beside her body and I let her hands roam over me as she desired. They explored everywhere they could reach in the position we were in and I continued to massage her.

"Edward, this is…" she moaned and I could tell she was close. Her breaths were coming out in deeper pants, her hips moved to meet my fingers that were on her skin; her eyes were closed and her lips slightly parted.

"That's it baby," I whispered to her and moved my finger up higher to circle the spot she needed it most. She cried out nearly instantly, spreading her legs just a little bit wider and I kissed her passionately. I wanted this kiss to show her how much I loved her. I needed it to show her that I would do anything she ever needed. I had to let her know that I was hers - unequivocally fucking hers.

She pulled away abruptly and I felt her hot breath on my neck as she came undone under my touch, making soft little noises and clutching at my arms.

My girl was a fucking goddess and she didn't even know it. That needed to be rectified.

As I slowly brought her down, she collapsed back onto the bed and stared up at me through half closed eyes and I planted kisses all over her face and smoothed out her hair.

"You're an angel, you know," I told her and she smiled lazily up at me. I brought my hand out of her pants and she shivered. I brought the comforter up and around us and pulled her in close to me. "You're _my_ angel," I whispered.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** I am soooo effing sorry it took me like 9 years to update. Things got away from me, but I'm back!

I'd like to take a moment and say that no one realized what I did last chapter, but hopefully you will after reading this. If, after reading this, you have no idea what I'm talking about, make sure you go back and do a quick re-read of chapter 16 *nods*.

Thanks for reading!

NOW! If you are a reviewer/reader of mine, there is a high chance that I nom'd you for a Fandom People Award. Go check it out and take a look for your name there! There's so many but go look!

**GO READ:**

For You, Anything by parismylove

My Facebook Reunion by Eternally Cullen

It's a Mad Mad World by cmaus1216 (I wrote part of one of the chapters, go take a read!)

Voice For Me by pachaspickmeup

the Cube, Tilt and Drift by SDFreeze

**GO!**


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight; I just make Steph Meyer's characters a little emo. I also don't own Starbucks. If I did, I'd be a lot richer and a lot less jaded.

Much love to everyone rec'ing this story out, leaving reviews, and all the alerts are amazing. I'm pretty amazed by the response to this story!

I am sooooo sorry for being an epic asshole with the whole updating thing! I understand that I have probably lost a mass amount of readers, and I am so truly sorry for that.

The song for this chapter is in the chapter itself.

* * *

I woke up to a wonderful lump of heat tucked into me. I warmed me up through and through and I tugged it closer. At first, I thought I was dreaming. It was a very good dream and I didn't want to wake up. Keeping my eyes closed, I fell back to sleep with a wonderful sense of euphoria washing through me.

* * *

The warmth had shifted and wrapped itself around me. It smelled amazing, all sweet and innocent and full of love. It had moved itself between my knees and cocooned me in its bliss. Who would want to wake up from something so brilliant, so once again, I didn't.

* * *

"Edward…"

It came out in a whisper, an unfinished thought and beckoned me to open my eyes as warm breath fanned across my face. I was met with heavily closed eyelids and a content sleepy smile across my girls face. My fucking angel.

We did it. We were living together and this wasn't a dream. I know it seems strange that I would be so confused seeing as how often we had slept in the same bed before, but this was the first time that we were surrounded by things that belonged to both of us. Maybe it was the scent of her things that had heightened my emotions, I don't know. Or maybe it was the fact that she had her head on her pillow in my bed. It was almost too much to bear.

I'd lost count, though. How many times she said my name in her sleep. I had counted through my dreams and continued on since, but somewhere along the way I had lost count. I had realized somewhere along the line that they weren't meant to be counted. It was like those credit card commercials.

Buying Bella dinner: Fifty dollars.

A necklace for her birthday: Two hundred and fifty dollars.

A new bed: Twelve hundred dollars.

Hearing Bella say my name in her sleep: Priceless and fucking countless.

I propped myself up on one elbow and watched her sleep, suppressing the urge to touch her. The urge to run my fingers through her hair and wake her. As those thoughts were running through my head, she let out a tiny fucking whimper and ground herself into me.

Well fuck me. There was no way I was about to take advantage of her like this. Not like this, but she was making it hard, and by it, yes I do mean Herman, and my willpower was slipping. I slowly pulled away from her, feeling bad about it and went for my morning ritual of shit, shower and shave. Put on the coffee, maybe try and make my girl breakfast in bed, that is if she stayed there.

I showered quickly not wanting to waste any time, and shaved even quicker nicking myself once. It would have to do. After turning of the coffee, the only reasonable way to start a day, I opened the fridge finding that we were going to have to do some grocery shopping. Resorting to cereal with milk and a banana, I chopped up the fruit, divided it between the bowls and scrounged in my cupboards until I found the tray I knew my mother had given me for some damn reason. I'd never been so happy I'd kept it before this moment.

On my way up the stairs I heard faint music and it sounded like Kings of Leon maybe. Not really sure. They weren't my favorite band, to be honest. When I got to the top of the stairs, I noticed I had left the door slightly ajar and I figured that's why she had woken. Heard me in the kitchen or smelled the coffee.

I toed the door open a little further and nearly dropped my tray in the middle of the entryway.

Bella was standing with her back to me swaying to the music and I could faintly hear her singing along.

_Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound_  
_I know they're watching, they're watching_  
_All the commotion, the kiddies like play_  
_Has people talking, talking_

_You, your sex is on fire_

_The dark of the alley, the breaking of day_  
_The head while I'm driving, I'm driving_  
_Soft lips are open, knuckles are pale_  
_Feels like you're dying, you're dying_

She was just swaying so gracefully, dancing like no one was watching. And in truth, for all she knew nobody was watching, but this was too beautiful. Bella could move her hips and her hands were in all the right places and she hummed like an angel

Herman was at the plate and ready to bat. Kind of embarrassing, actually.

The lyrics, they didn't fucking help either. I quietly cleared my throat behind her and chuckled when she startled. The song was still playing in the background softly but she looked at me like a nervous kitten. Understandably so. My Bella was never one to be so candid about things in front of others. Not even me.

Her blush colored her cheeks and moved down towards her chest as I set the tray on the bedside table and stepped in front of her to take both of her hands in mine. I could feel the smile on my face stretched wide across as I squeezed her fingers and leaned in to kiss her chastely. As I pulled back and still heard the song in the background, she looked up at me with apprehension in her eyes. I smiled at her and wrapped my arms around her waist swaying to the music as she rested her head on my chest.

I could feel her hips move slightly and I closed my eyes against the light filtering in the room to better hear the music and feel the movements.

"That was…" I was at a loss for words. Trying to come up with the right combination to do any justice at all to her beauty and grace was disarming. "You are so gorgeous, my pretty girl"

She smiled up at me, her blush still reddening her cheeks as I kissed her forehead and swayed us slowly back and forth, the song coming to a close. I didn't want to let go, though. I felt as though if I let go, the moment would end and we would be thrust back into reality. Not that reality wasn't wonderful or anything, but this right here was magical.

"We have to get the house in order today…" She murmured to me, looking away as if embarrassed. I decided that she probably didn't need me bringing any more attention to what I had caught her doing, so I tilted her face upwards, gave her a soft kiss and agreed with her.

We had gotten most of the furniture and boxes sorted out already, but there were a few finishing touches that we needed to add. I was more than willing to allow her to add any piece of her she wished into my home. We needed to sort out her books, get them all in place where she wanted them, things like that.

"Before we do anything," I looked over at the nightstand remembering why I had been up before her in the first place, "It might be slightly cold, but you need to get back into bed so I can serve you your breakfast there." I gave her a little wink and she laughed quietly and looked down.

I was unwilling in a lot of ways to let her go, so I simply walked us back to the bed until the backs of her knees touched it and then sat her down ordering her to get comfy again. Once she was, I situated her food in front of her, grabbed my own and made myself comfortable in my spot right next to her.

She smiled over at me and I smiled back at her watching as she took her first bite of food, closing her eyes and letting loose a purely innocent moan of pleasure. Oh the things that food could do to a person. I took a bite of my own and was quite proud to say that I had done a pretty damn good job.

"How do you feel this morning?" I asked her after swallowing a bite, hoping that she had no regrets about the previous evening. She blushed and looked away, but looking at her profile, I could see the smile stretched across her lips and knew that I was home free.

"I feel like a new person," she quietly answered. "I feel absolutely wonderful, actually"

I chuckled to myself before saying a quiet "Me too," to myself

* * *

Months later, Bella and I had come to a routine. We tried what she wanted, when she wanted it, and some nights we just cuddled together. To be honest, those were my favorite nights. Nothing beats the feeling of having the girl you love pressed up against your every part and her little fingers soothing whatever piece of you they may touch.

During the day, she would do her school work, I would go to work, and come home to cooked food and a clean house. It was almost as if I already had a wife. There were days that Bella would accompany me to the bookstore. She loved to read, and I loved to indulge her. It was a perfect combination, really. She would go and get coffees for us, find a book to read and curl up in a chair and read it as the day blew by.

We started doing things with Ben and Angela more often, and even my idiot family came along. Things were no longer tense. We had all met the one that had completed us and it was finally all fucking real.

One night, we had a movie night at Emmett's place. I laughed and shook my head when Alice picked the Sound of Music and Emmett went apeshit. It didn't go exactly as I had dreamt it, but it came awfully close. It ended with Bella and I retreating back to our place, which was so much better than deciding which bed to go to, as we had to in my dream.

Bella finished her year of school and decided that for the next term she would actually try going to University instead. Jasper agreed and thought that it might be a good idea if he tried as well. He was still a fickle mother fucker, but I was pretty sure that 'Alice the Disorganized' was doing a good job of taming the OCD beast that he was. Alice never changed a bit. She still left her shit everywhere, forgot where she put her keys, put movies back in the wrong spot and cooked the weirdest food. You know what, though? I am almost positive that it made Jasper love her even more.

Emmett and Rosalie complimented each other nicely. Though they had the most volatile relationship I had ever seen, they seemed very happy. Maybe happy wasn't the word. They were two people that you would never leave your children alone with that were now expecting one of their own. That's right. Crazy bitch Rosalie was expecting a child with my brother, and as far as I could tell, they were pretty fucking stoked about it. It was still on the down low, however as they were trying to figure out if their shotgun wedding should be an event or a shotgun.

Everybody was exactly where they belonged.

I remember the night Bella and I first made love perfectly. It started out as a cuddling night, turned into a night of exploration, and ended with two sweaty panting bodies laying side by side in bliss. It wasn't perfect, in the sense of the word, but it was perfect for us.

I was slightly awkward, as I always fucking was and she was nervous as could be. I whispered in her ear how I felt about her and it fueled the fire like no other time. She was ready, as was I

_We were a tangled mess, slick and sweaty. Clothes scattered everywhere, our limbs entangled within each others. Our breath mingling together in heated pants and whispers._

_"I love what you do to me." I told her between kisses and touches._

_"Make me yours, Edward. Please."_

_I couldn't resist her, and I couldn't stand to hear her beg. It made something inside of me snap. I wanted everything for her._

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes, I'm sure."_

_I'm sure my answering smile blinded her as I once again descended upon her attaching my mouth to hers and letting my right hand wander south as my left slowly caressed her beautiful peaks. Upon further inspection in her softest area, I found her to be more than ready with a breathy moan escaping through her beautiful lips as I touched her there._

_"Baby, this might hurt." I told her looking her deep in the eyes and she nodded. I readied her with my fingers, stretching her as much as I could and then removed them. Settling between her legs, I took each of her hands in mine, and leaned back to view her splayed out before me. God my girl was pretty._

_"You're so pretty, you know that?" I Leaned down kissed her and slowly moved inside._

_I was so lost in Bella, watching her emotions, the pain, the love, the pleasure, that I wasn't even aware of my surroundings. I kissed her hard and steadied myself once I was inside. She winced slightly but seemed alright otherwise._

_"You good baby?"_

_"Yes." Her eyes conveyed the truth, so I started to move gently inside of her, learning what made her tick._

_Bella wasn't speaking. I looked to her to see her with her eyes closed, mouth slightly open and writhing beneath me. _

_This being our first time, and my sweetheart being so freaking tight, I was already ready to explode inside of her. This wasn't going to last long at all. My baby girl was so turned on that I was pretty sure even she would climax this first time together. I could feel her muscles clenching slightly as she tried her hardest to keep herself still. I was nearing it with her and finding it hard to hold on. She was whispering nonsensical nothings and I was smothering her body in my own._

_"I love you."_

_"I know"_

_She gasped and moved and clutched to my fingers and I clumsily erupted inside of her. Finally, the sounds around me came back to me as I slumped down peppering my baby girls face with kisses and showing her all the love I had for her._

That was our first, and definitely not our last time.

* * *

**Chapter Notes:** As you can tell, the story is just about at it's end, as it has been for awhile. I promise the next update will not take as long.


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